There are undoubtedly various reasons for domestic violence, which is increasing day by day, but one of the most important reasons is the lack of healthy communication. Sociologist - Education and Family Consultant Belgin Turan Sellers gave important information about how to ensure healthy communication in her interview with our newspaper. Emphasizing that the greatest harm and benefit will come from the person himself, Belgin Turan Sellers gave important tips on how to ensure healthy communication within the family, what kind of communication should be established in the education of families' children, and what kind of communication should be provided in business life.
Here is Murat Doğan's interview with Sociologist - Education and Family Consultant Belgin Turan Sellers about 'healthy communication'...
First of all, can we get to know you? You have many researches on social issues, family and children's education. Since when did you start doing research on family sociology?
I was born in Şanlıurfa. I completed my primary and secondary education in Şanlıurfa. During my high school years, I participated in poetry competitions and received various awards. At an early age, I became interested in art and culture. I graduated from Şanlıurfa Girls' Vocational High School, Department of Child Development and Education. Then I graduated from Anadolu University, Department of Business Administration. As a second university, I studied at Anadolu University, Department of Sociology. Because I received "Family Counseling" training from the Turkish Aeronautical Association University and attended many certificate programs. I wanted to support the education of families and children on social issues and to conduct various studies on this subject.
Psychology has been a branch that has interested me since my childhood. For years, I have written columns on making oneself happy, being at peace with oneself and one's environment, and communication issues. I have made many radio programs on TRT, social responsibility projects, and family sociology.
What is the important factor in communication; How to ensure healthy communication?
Communication is the transfer of feelings, thoughts, news and the message we want to the other party in some way, using the internet, telephone or face to face. We do this by using our body language. , we do it using words. The most important thing is voice and emphasis. For example, when someone is called "dear", the word "dear" can be said in 3-5 ways. Messages can be understood very differently depending on the tone of voice. For example; If a reaction is made to a situation, the reaction given loudly may be understood more harshly. However, a slower and more polite response will be understood more positively.
Communication is not just between people. Communication can be established with all living creatures and nature. And we cannot say that communication can only happen by talking. Animals somehow communicate with us with their own sounds. A cat or a dog can even make us feel that they are hungry by meowing or barking. Of course, people can communicate and convey their troubles and problems.
Can people communicate healthily today? Does just talking help us establish healthy communication?
Unfortunately, it doesn't work. There are small subtleties in healthy communication. The most important thing is to communicate by making eye contact. Listening very well and confirming this with our actions is a requirement of healthy communication.
How to be an active listener? In other words, how should one act to be an active listener in terms of the health of communication?
Active listener; For example, if children want to tell their parents about a problem they are experiencing at school and the parents are watching television, they seem to say, "You tell, we are listening," without paying attention to the child. However, the child wants to express his feelings there; He wants to explain that someone else hurt his pride at school. In order to establish empathy with the child, the mother or father must turn off the television and leave the remote control in his hand while the child is about to tell something. Otherwise, the child is disrespected. The child, who understands that he is not given importance, gives up telling his problem by saying 'never mind'.
However, on the contrary, for example, if our child is going to tell his problem while we are watching television, if a program we are watching is very important, 'Okay, let's talk to you in 5 minutes, okay?' Or If we turn off the television and ask, "Okay, let's talk about what happened today," and act in a calmer manner after listening to the problem, it will reveal a healthier communication and enable us to be an active listener.
City life, changing social perspectives and the clarification of women's place in society are effective factors in this. It is thought that hidden depression, substance addiction, economic difficulties and moral degeneration in family members also affect divorces. Is the tendency towards violence due to the lack of healthy communication?
Of course, there are many reasons for violent incidents. The more common occurrence of violence within the family is that the person's own control mechanism is weak. We can call this anger management. Healthy communication can be established when anger management is achieved. If we cannot control our anger, there is either a problem that we cannot solve with ourselves, or we want our every word to be accepted, and when the people in front of us do the opposite, unfortunately, we see it from the media and our environment that violence is applied to the other party, both materially, spiritually and emotionally.
Socio-economic status may vary to the extent of severity. We can see that an educated person who has reached the level of a professor commits violence at home. Of course, the extent of violence may vary depending on the situation, events and people.
Conflict of ideas; Problems may arise due to misunderstanding what is said and everyone acting from their own perspective, accepting only what they say as true and accepting what the other person says as wrong.
Violence between spouses may have financial sub-roots. Anger caused by this may occur on the ground floor. However, it is not true to say that if the socio-economic level is bad, violence will be higher, if not, it will be less.
How can we bring these conflicts of ideas to a middle ground?
The situation can be seen from whichever side one wants to look at it. For example, if the woman in the family wants to buy something and the husband does not accept it, both parties insist on doing what they want, creating a new environment of violence. Therefore, in order to get rid of conflicts of ideas, we must first look at ourselves. We must look at the reasons for the emergence of a violent environment. By creating an environment of violence We need to ask ourselves what we gained or what we lost. If necessary, we can get support from an expert. This is extremely normal. Just as it is not shameful to go to the doctor when we have a headache or a toothache, we can also get professional support from an expert in case of communication conflicts within the family.
How does violence in the family affect the behavior of children; Does it become an obstacle to their success?
The child is naturally affected by this conflict within the family. When families complain about their children's behavior, they should first question themselves. Because children also form their behaviors by looking at their parents. A child who constantly sees family fights and disagreements at home cannot be successful in school life. Children who want to get away from the conflict at home are likely to turn to worse habits if they feel alienated from the family. Because a child who cannot find peace at home begins to look for peace outside. The family needs to prepare an environment for the child to tell his problems to his family before his friends.
Wouldn't it make a positive contribution to the child's knowing himself/herself outside, not just being attached to his/her family?
Of course, finding himself/herself outside will make a positive contribution to the child's life. However, we will control him from a distance to ensure that he does not turn to bad habits. In other words, while the child is creating a comfortable space for himself, we need to observe him from afar, at least for a little while. After all, the child is also an individual. He is also looking for an environment where he can express himself comfortably.
We also see that there are resentments between some family members. There are families who live in the same environment for a long time and do not talk to each other. What could be the problem that causes these resentments?
There are families in the same house who do not talk to each other for months. By not talking to each other, they express each other's thoughts through messages. These turmoil are mostly seen among individuals in extended families. Long-term disagreements within the family are not compatible with either our values or the sanctity of the family institution. Resentment and resentment between spouses primarily negatively affects their mental health. Then their children and close circle It affects your We can say that it is the greatest punishment that man can give to another. One reason for this is the emergence of differences between the lives of the elders and the younger ones. In other words, as our lives change rapidly, parents constantly warn their children about things and children get bored of these warnings, causing chaos among family members.
The conversation of "your family, my family" leads us to a dead end. We must accept our differences and see the good aspects of our common points.
For this reason, parents should set an example for their children by implementing those behaviors rather than by directly warning them about something. For example, when a mother or father who has never picked up a book warns their child to read a book, the child becomes extremely overwhelmed by these behaviors. However, a mother who wants to inculcate the habit of reading books in her child must also read books herself.
If we say that one of the biggest obstacles to achieving success in our lives is lack of self-confidence; What responsibilities do families have to ensure that children do not lose their self-confidence?
Balance within the family is very important. Some families are overly authoritarian and bore the child a lot. In other words, he even gives love to the child conditionally. For example, saying to the child, "If you do this, I will love you." Just as the child growing up in this family environment has insufficient self-confidence, we also see that children in families that are very comfortable and do not set any limits should have self-confidence, but this is insufficient. Because when the child sees no restrictions in the family and encounters restrictions outside, he loses his self-confidence. We encounter limitations at many places and times in our lives. That's why we shouldn't forget to set limits when raising children. Families can be authoritarian. However, when children make a mistake, we should warn our children in a sweet way without offending them.
We talked about communication within the family; You emphasized that in order to establish a healthy communication, we must first understand each other. Well, if we talk a little about business life, for example, how should an individual who is going for a job interview communicate in order to be accepted for the job?
Since first impressions are important in a job interview, this is important.
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