“This is what is called love: A person sees a spooky house in another person…” Ece Temelkuran
He encounters someone and sees a strong force coming towards us from him. We feel a pull. Sometimes we think that a characteristic of that person affects us, and sometimes we cannot name this strong attraction we feel at the beginning. This chemistry becomes so strong that a person cannot leave a relationship that makes them feel bad or not good for them. He goes after that woman or that man even though he knows it causes pain. So, what are the roots of this chemistry that brings us closer to the other? Is it possible that there is another story to the choice of spouse, which at first glance seems like a coincidence, or which we think we prefer after going through the filter of logic?
A possible picture revealed by clinical experience is that people tend to choose people who have the negative characteristics of their parents. At the conscious level, we often witness that people do not want people who have the shortcomings of their parents. The fact that people's languages say one thing and their choices mean another makes us think that there may be more than a conscious choice in choosing a partner.
When the baby is born, it has almost no knowledge about the world and itself and is in need of help. Especially early mother-father relationships, how the baby's needs are met and the missing aspects form the basis of the baby's perception of what the world is like. The way he perceives the world as an adult is influenced by these foundations formed in the first period of his life. In this context, even though we do not consciously remember the disappointments of this first period of our lives, they are among the most vivid memories that have an impact today.
An unconscious desire goes back to those early periods of our lives when we experienced disappointments and tries to revive those memories again and again. Especially early disappointments can pull us in a direction that feels familiar like a magnet. The purpose of this unconscious desire is an attempt to make sense of those memories that have not been understood and expressed by reviving them over and over again. Because making sense and being understood is something we fundamentally need.
When a person cannot make sense of his disappointments, especially and he may be inclined to fall under such a spell to the extent that he cannot express it. For this reason, later in life, we may tend to choose people who bring back these hurtful memories, especially in love relationships. This is partly why we find ourselves suffering after always the same women or always the same men.
It is possible that there is such a dynamic behind this strong attraction we experience in the first encounters, before we even get to know the other person, or behind the relationships we cannot end even though we see that they harm us.
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