When a baby is born, it needs the care of another to survive. A person who does not receive consistent care in the early or childhood periods and whose needs are not adequately met cannot internalize the perception of "He will be there for me when I need it". He develops a belief that relationships will end sooner or later, that there is no unconditional love, that one day he will be abandoned and alone. This stereotyped belief may result from separation from the caregiver, mother or father (depressed, in hospital, parent in different cities, divorce, death…).
He develops various strategies to cope with this anxiety. Either he will leave before he is abandoned, or he will do his best to prevent the other person from leaving, or he will isolate himself from relationships. Let's take a closer look at these strategies:
Extreme Compensation: It sends the message to the partner that he/she can leave at any time, not that he/she is with him/her in all circumstances. There is a threat, the word easily brings separation. Makes the other person feel alert at all times. Thus, it strengthens the skeptical and controlling attitudes of the partner. (It's over then, if you don't do this, I don't exist...) There is more "feeling of worthlessness and abandonment anxiety" than Unconditional Acceptance and Secure Attachment in the relationship.
Delivery: There are skeptical and controlling attitudes. (Where?, With whom?, Why did he not answer?, I wonder if there is someone else?...) A teacher-student relationship…like partner who will feed these concerns, express that he does not think of a serious relationship, live far away, have age difference, from the same workplace. can make choices. He may also engage in self-compromising behaviors. There is more 'feeling of worthlessness and abandonment anxiety' in the relationship than Unconditional Acceptance and Secure Attachment.
Avoiding: People avoid the relationship, isolating themselves from such issues .
Times change, places change, names change, but the scenario always stays the same. The person chooses the partner who will confirm their belief and continues to use the coping styles learned in the past. He cannot find a person who will be there when he needs it, who will calm him down, give him confidence, and accept him unconditionally. At the end of the day, the same neglect, worthlessness, re-experiences feelings of loneliness and similar anxieties. The Vicious Circle continues like this.
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