Conflicts are inevitable when it comes to romantic relationships. Contrary to popular belief, a healthy relationship is not one without conflicts. It is the attitudes, behaviors and patterns during the conflict rather than the existence of conflicts that harm the relationship and the individual. During the conflict, we see that some couples react that sustain and exacerbate the conflict, while others avoid fighting. Or we witness that couples who try to understand, appease and reconcile each other gain from conflicts.
What does it mean to be destructive in conflicts?
Attitudes and behaviors during conflict are generally considered constructive and destructive. When we examine destructive conflict resolution styles, we frequently encounter behaviors such as threats, avoidance, dominance, blame and mockery. These behaviors, which are considered destructive, cause negative feelings as a result of conflict and at least one of the partners is not satisfied with the result. Trying to impose one's own point of view, avoiding any discussion, or surrendering to one's partner by ignoring their own needs are examples of destructive conflict styles.
If we consider these examples;
Competition involves assertiveness towards solving problems, but this is aimed at suppressing the partner. An individual using the competitive style is not open to cooperating with his partner. As expected, these individuals do not feel the same desire for their partners to have their own wants and needs met. For those who use this style, winning as a result of conflict is enough for them to be satisfied. For this reason, all the words and actions that can be said in order not to give in during the conflict are tried. In the competitive process, attacks, criticism, insults, mocking and imitation of the partner's personality are often used. In short, this approach, which is based on putting pressure on others and defending the superiority of their own ideas, is far from empathy and mutual satisfaction.
In the avoidance style, unlike competition, there is no initiative to solve the problem. Disputes Neither a step nor a motivational light is found regarding the resolution of the conflict and unrest. There are many issues that need to be discussed; however, an individual who uses the avoidance style does not want to address both himself and his partner's wishes and complaints. In general, when a discussion environment arises, he prefers to withdraw, not to talk about the problem, to leave the environment and to remain silent. Being introverted and avoiding arguing in this way is actually like building a wall in a relationship. As the person moves away from talking about problems, they also move away from their partner.
Similar to the avoidance style, there is no motivation to solve the problems in the adaptive style. However, in order to make the partner happy, a false cooperation draws attention. Although it may seem like cooperation is being made, what actually happens is to surrender to the wishes of the partner, not to defend his own rights and wishes, and not to exist in the relationship. People who use the adaptive style do not think much about their own wishes and limits or do not express them. The priority is the needs of the partner and the end of the conflict as soon as possible. For this reason, they prefer to calm their partners, keep up with their partners, and take care of their partners during conflict. Although they think they are good partners because they do not fuel the fire, the desires and emotions they suppress will one day visit their relationship.
We have discussed being destructive in conflicts so far. We will look for answers to the questions "How to be constructive in conflicts" and "Why is it important to be constructive in conflicts?" in the next article. Until then, let's all think about the times when we clung to destructive attitudes during conflict and the effects of destructive attitudes on our relationship. Thus, the next article will be a guide for incorporating constructive conflict resolution styles into our lives.
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