Children sometimes ask for our thoughts and ideas out of necessity and sometimes out of genuine curiosity. But how do the answers we give make them feel?
A recent client of mine talked about his child's need for constant approval, difficulty making his own decisions, and being more passive in most matters.
Often, praising our children, We think it is beneficial for their development, and we can be satisfied with it as a parent. However, after a while, this may cause the child to do many things to please his parents. Children may be very happy at that moment, but after a while, any positive feedback loses its realism over time. Or the belief that "I am only accepted and loved when I do nice things" may be established.
Because don't we really say to our children, "Wow, that's so nice" or "Wow, you did so beautifully" since they were babies, even if they make a scratch on the paper?
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It is more effective to describe the picture rather than commenting on or praising children's pictures. He feels both the feeling of "doing it for himself" and that you are truly interested in his painting. Instead of "it's beautiful" every time..
"You liked this picture you made."
"You liked this picture very much."
"My opinion." You are very curious."
If he still asks insistently;
"You have drawn a deep blue sea here, and there is a huge tree. There is a house in pink. So many colors! “You really worked hard.” You can make descriptions such as.
Pictures may not always be understandable. Instead of questioning, you can say "you drew something here". It feels good to have respected the world of imagination, rather than making judgments without fully understanding what the child has drawn.
Some of my clients talk about how everything at home is the way the child wants, but 'despite this', the children are not happy and do not cooperate with their parents. This is truly one of the most difficult situations for parents to get through. “What more could a child want?”
Although the shifting of the hierarchy at home and everything being as the child wants may seem like something that the child creates and is pleased with, it is actually something that makes him feel unsafe and out of control. Because children need to feel safe, They also like to be under control, to be protected, to be supervised by an adult, and they find it safe.
As parents, we actually avoid maintaining boundaries from time to time in order to avoid conflict. And on top of that, when everything comes together, we think that children are insatiable, and emotions can go as far as anger and the breakdown of relationships.
The most basic need of the child is not only to have everything he wants and to always try to make him happy, but sometimes also with negative emotions. It is to give the child the opportunity to face these situations in order to cope and to set boundaries to protect the child, someone else or the parent when necessary.
Your growing child will not only stay in the family, but also a part of the nursery, kindergarten, school and society.
Children discover how much power they have in their relationships with adults and how much they can control this relationship by experiencing them as a result of the events that happen to them during the day. The majority of these experiments are done at home. The boundaries they learn at home will be taken by children as a reference for approved behavior in the outside world. In this way, children gain many skills and self-awareness about power, control and authority. Appropriate limits set at home make it easier for children to identify and adapt to the differences in rules between the home and the outside world in their later lives.
In cases where you have difficulty setting limits for your child, this You can try to get support from books on the subject, and if you have difficulty coping, you can get support from an expert.
Book suggestions that come to my mind:
Do You Really Hear Me?
Positive Discipline
p>Parenting Hand in Hand
Parenting Without Conditions
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