Times have changed. We are no longer families with many children. Children are not a workforce anyway, they are our workforce from now on. In the words of sociologist Zelizer, the children of modern life are "economically worthless, emotionally priceless." It is possible to find thousands of resources today. Books, magazines, websites, social media groups, trainings, television programs, development materials, and brain formatting studies are the main ones. Among these, it is even possible to find resources that offer options such as raising athlete children, developing academic intelligence, as well as raising vegetarian, gluten-free and fearless children. Education that begins in the womb is among the opportunities offered to today's parents. Beyond being a possibility, it has become a necessity. In fact, it seems that being a parent is on the way to becoming something that requires going to school and getting a driver's license.
We now know more about child development and psychology. Our ancestors said, "A tree bends when it is young", so we can shape these little babies as we wish. And when all these conditions come together, parents become anxious about being perfect parents. Research conducted with the opportunities offered by technology, conversations in parent-teacher meetings, social media channels where information about the family lives of countless people can be accessed, and the teachings of family elders, on the one hand, replace the peace of being a family with the anxiety of being the right family. Raising children is now viewed as a crisis. The intention of each of these things undoubtedly comes from a sacred feeling; from love Ask any parent and their ultimate wish will be for their children to be happy. In this regard, "success" is defined by many as the first tool to achieve happiness.
A client comes to our center due to behavioral problems in his child. They talk about maladaptive behavior at school and a decrease in his studies. Aggressive attitudes at home, negative approaches towards his sibling are common. Complaints. We do everything for his happiness, says the mother, in one of the best schools, private lessons in sports, activities We met all your needs. Why is this kid like this? Another complains about his son biting his nails. When we want to arrange a meeting, we have difficulty finding the child's free time. Another person says that his 8-year-old child has stopped preparing for exams. I wonder what exam it is. The client says it's an aptitude test, to select special children; However, we bought so many books and hired teachers.
Parents want to be perfect, and that's why they want their children to be perfect. This brings with it mothers who do homework all evening when their children cannot complete their homework, fathers who leave work and run to school if they forget something at home, and private teachers and relatives who are mobilized to prevent them from making mistakes. Grandfathers come running when the baby is trying to climb on the sofa, and adults feed carefully selected meals with a spoon at the nursery age. Families, without realizing it, can be adults who look into the eyes of the child to do well and always say "this is the right one", but prevent him from learning so that he does not make mistakes. And they realize that the child is inadequate in these conditions where they do not have the opportunity to learn, and they try to complete them again with greater stress and do more with their own hands to protect them from being criticized at school, getting bad grades, or being shamed. When we ask children through games, their expressions become tiny characters next to insurmountable mountains in their pictures and stories, or creatures bigger than their mothers and fathers. And the most painful thing is that we come across anxious hearts that think they are only loved when they can be what they are expected to be. When they grow up, there will be personalities who try to meet the expectations of others in order to gain love and respect in social life, silent people who choose not to try in order to avoid making mistakes, blamers who claim that their mistakes are the responsibility of their parents who plan all their behavior, but no matter what, those who feel remorse and feel guilty thinking that they are not good enough, all In their memories, we see children who have difficulty developing self-confidence despite having opportunities. Then come the nail biting due to stress, the appreciation that they cannot see by taking 100, the children who try to receive love when their stomach hurts, or the intoxication of the unconditional love that they experienced for the first time in groups of friends where they can be like themselves in later ages. being left untouched. And again, more anxious parents.
This is why I think that the understanding that family should be a safe environment for children is sometimes misinterpreted. I say, “Family is not a safe learning environment for children.” It should not be a place where one should be raised without getting sick, but a place where one is cared for when one gets sick and where one's immune system develops. It's not a place where he doesn't make mistakes, but where he is loved for his mistakes. It should not be the child who writes in books dreamed of before birth, but the place where his personality is recognized and the most appropriate approach is found together. It is not a place where parents speak with one voice, but where individuals come together despite their differences. The family should be the first stop on the journey of discovering the child's dreams and making them come true, not where parents strive to realize their own dreams on their children. Otherwise, they may be imposing their own dreams on their children, which they could not realize in the future.
Finally, I would like to talk about a one-question survey conducted with over 1000 children. Children are asked if they had one wish for their parents, what would it be? And the parents of these children are told to guess how their children will answer this question, without the children's knowledge. The most popular answer given by parents is "spend more time with us, play games". Among the answers given by the children, the most frequently expressed wish is "for their parents to be less stressed and less tired." From this perspective, it seems that children's happiness depends not on success, but on the presence of their parents. And this seems to reflect that children are perfect enough just the way they are. Yes, a tree bends when it is old, but it can also break easily when it is still young. A master gardener does not worry about which way the branch will grow, he just gives the branch the necessary water to grow and removes the weeds that hinder it. He is sure that the branch will grow towards the sun, carefree...
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