We have been married for 22 years, and since the day we got married, we have always had problems, first with family, then with work, then with financial problems. Sometimes we would get upset and not talk for weeks. The last time we had a big fight was 12 years ago and I left the bedroom. Neither my wife nor I ever took the first step. First I waited for him to apologize, then I asked him to convince me. But neither he apologized to me nor I forgave him.
We decided that we were running this marriage for my daughter, first we separated the beds, then the accounts, and then our social environment. We were trying not to make him feel it around our daughter, but I guess we weren't successful. We said we would divorce when he went to university, but this time we couldn't agree on who would leave the house. We haven't talked at home for the last 2 years. If my daughter comes on vacation, we have something in common, but other than that, we both live separate lives.
A friend of mine asked why you didn't go to a marriage therapist and referred us. Do you think we can put things together after all these events? Or should we divorce?
As in this example, we often see that couples who have problems do not communicate unless necessary, but because they are afraid of living alone, they hold on to life by seeing each other as a walking stick. Couples describe themselves as 'we are like two hoteliers living in the same house'.
So what is going on that couples manage to stay so far away from each other? What Decreases Their Communication?
Whenever they talk, they become angry, swear, and resort to verbal or physical violence as a result of violent arguments, so after a while they avoid communication and stop talking anymore Whenever they talk, they end up with a voice. They expect to find a middle ground and compromise. One party thinks that no matter how much they talk, they cannot be understood, so they do not need to tire themselves any further. (However, in order to reconcile, they must first understand each other through healthy means of communication, be understood, and manage to share their feelings and thoughts) Since spouses think they know each other very well, they try to read what is in their minds because they make inferences from a small facial expression or a glance. This creates the belief that there is no need to talk and cuts off communication. Instead of expressing their feelings and thoughts with ME LANGUAGE, they make accusatory and destructive criticism with YOU LANGUAGE and focus on each other's negative aspects. They make accusations such as "You are always this selfish and you look just like your mother" as if they are experiencing the same problems. Especially if one of the couples is a master at opening OLD NOTEBOOKS, they associate every discussion topic with a past event and the discussion gains an endless dimension DRAWING THINGS DOWN is one of the mistakes that interrupt communication and lead to the problem being unresolved. No matter what one of the couples does, they continue to remain unresolved, saying "There is no point from now on, you should have done this before." Instead of doing so, it causes them to not talk at all. Naturally, it will also stay away from TEN, which is out of sight and out of mind. Read: 0
