Communication can be defined as the exchange of information between two systems, regardless of their qualities. The most important point here is that information transfer in communication is two-way. If information transfer is one-way, it is called information, and if it is two-way, it is called communication. Therefore, not every conversation between individuals can be defined as communication. Parents giving certain orders to their children, teachers giving certain orders to their students and not taking into account the reactions of the other party, that is, their children or students, cannot be considered communication. Parents or teachers often think that they are communicating with young people. However, when young people talk, they do not actually listen to the young person with many communication obstacles such as warnings, suggestions, reminders, and judgment. In this case, the young person feels unheard, not understood and not cared for and cuts off communication
So what should we do while listening to the young person?
We should listen silently. and with this behavior we must show that we accept it. Silence can be used as a powerful nonverbal message to make the other person feel that we accept them and encourage them to share more with us. If we are the ones who always talk, we will restrict the freedom of the young person in front of us to express their feelings. The passive listening we are talking about here should of course be used not throughout the entire communication, but at certain intervals until the young person can fully express himself. The next stage is the active listening method, which shows that we accept the other person and helps us understand him. There is no room for judgment and analysis in this method. Active listening is used to convey back to the young person in front of us what he said or wanted to say, in our own words. The trick of this method is to put ourselves in the young person's shoes and ask, "How would I feel if it were me?" and reflecting the feelings expressed by the young person by naming them. So: I don't understand the physics lesson at all... (What does the young person feel? Difficulty) Our answer: Physics lesson is difficult for you... We named the feeling expressed by the young person, without judging, giving advice or criticizing, just taking into account his experiences.
What should we do to be a good listener?
First of all, we need to physically listen to the other person. We must believe that we are ready for this. Which of us would want to explain something to a person who is looking at the newspaper in his hand, filing his nails, or rushing to cook dinner? First of all, if the person we are talking to is a child or pre-adolescent, we should get down to his height and make eye contact. When we are face to face, we receive messages from facial expressions as much as from what is spoken. It allows us to perceive many nonverbal messages such as misty eyes, reddening of the face, and averted eyes. In this way, we become informed about the message intended to be conveyed by what is said. What kind of communication barriers do we use when listening to the young person?
Giving advice: Don't do this, do that...
Providing solutions: Don't do it like this, do it like this.
Guidance: Sit down and study instead of getting upset.
Don't judge: You always take the easy way out anyway.
Criticism: You act like a child.
Name calling: Idiot, stupid! Asking questions: Why, why? Investigate: What did he say to you? Examine: Which of you said it first?
I know why you did that.
Analyzing: Actually, your problem is different...
Teskin: Don't mind, never mind.
To console: It will get better, dear, don't worry, it will pass, don't be sad.
Changing the subject: Let's talk about other things. Communication barriers that we unconsciously use, such as: Lack of understanding, defensiveness, feeling unfair, thinking that the problem is actually unimportant and absurd, getting angry, showing resistance, rebellion, helplessness, anger, etc. We make people experience emotions.
However, the young person needs to be listened to and feel accepted rather than the many communication obstacles we have listed above. Even if you just listen silently without offering any solutions, you will be successful because you will cause a certain discharge in the young person. Then, with active listening, only when you reflect the information you receive from him/her in a simpler form, the message "I am listened to, I am accepted" is conveyed. You give it to the young person. While talking, you also give him the opportunity to discover the solution to his problem on his own. It will not be difficult to communicate with a young person who knows that he is understood, accepted, and loved unconditionally. Therefore, problems will be solved easily without turning into a fight, rebellion, or despair.
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