-Why Should We Set Limits (Rules)?
• Children feel safer in planned, structured and clearly outlined environments. - First of all, the child needs to know and understand which behaviors he should do and why he should do them and which behaviors he should not do and why. This can only be achieved by setting correct limits (rules).
• Our children will encounter a number of rules that they must follow at every stage of their lives. For example, school rules during school years, social rules when one becomes an adult, laws one must obey as a citizen, and rules in business life. In order for our child to adapt healthily and easily to this social life intertwined with rules, he/she must recognize the concepts of boundaries and rules from an early age and learn to bear the consequences of his/her behavior. This can only be achieved by using correct boundary (rule) setting methods.
• How Should We Set Limits (Rules)?
We can apply the correct limit (rule) setting method in 3 steps
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1) Information: First of all, our child needs to make sense of his own world by learning which behaviors he should do and why, and which behaviors he should not do and why. For example, you can explain in an age-appropriate manner why he needs to do his homework, that if he does his homework, he can learn new things and be successful in his classes, and if he doesn't do his homework, he may have problems with school life and fail his classes. Our main purpose in the information step is; It is to ensure that our child is informed about the positive and negative consequences of his/her own behavior.
We can talk about the necessary rules and the consequences if he does not comply. rule When creating our plans, we should not forget to include our child and listen to his/her thoughts and wishes. In this way, our child; We can create the feeling that they are cared for and that their thoughts and wishes are valued.
These rules, which we, as parents, create with our supervision and guidance, taking into account our child's ideas and wishes, determine our general framework and boundaries. For example, let's say one of our rules is "to do homework during the study hours in our daily schedule."
We created this rule with our child and now our child is aware of the rule. There is only one point left; That is, our child should know the consequences he will face if he does not comply with this rule. We call this result “sanction”. The difference between sanction and punishment is that our child has prior knowledge about the sanction. Punishment, on the other hand, is applied unannounced and suddenly; it is useless in the long run. The child, who has been previously informed about the reason for the sanction he faces, knows why he is faced with this sanction, makes sense of it, and tries to regulate his behavior to avoid encountering the same sanction again. At the same time, he/she learns to take responsibility for his/her actions.
For example; Our sanction is "If you do not want to do your homework during the daily scheduled study hours, you will lose your right to watch cartoons for this day." It can be expressed as.
•The rules and sanctions we impose must be in a clear, clear and understandable language
•When the rule is not fulfilled, the sanction is imposed when the rule is fulfilled and the daily plan is followed. Let's not forget to reinforce our children with material and moral rewards. Reinforced at regular intervals, the child will naturally be motivated to comply with the daily plan and rules.
3) Implementation: This may be the most difficult step as parents. We have determined the rules and sanctions, but problems have arisen during the continuous implementation phase. g The most common situations encountered are "I can't hurt my child." and one of the parents applies the rules and sanctions and the other does not. This means having an inconsistent attitude towards the child.
After following the first 2 steps, if we observe that our child still insists on not following the rules or continues his negative behavior, you can start applying the sanctions we have previously determined with our child.
For example; If he did not do his homework during the daily study time that day, you can take away his cartoon watching time by stating the reason.
“ You didn't want to do your homework today, even though I reminded you during the daily study time we determined together. That's why you won't be able to use your cartoon watching time today. If you comply with our daily study hours and do your homework tomorrow, you can have time to watch cartoons again.” You can express it as.
•Remember; The sanction applied is not about the child himself and his personality, but about his negative behavior. By explaining this connection (behavior-sanction) to the child in accordance with his age, we must ensure that he creates correct connections in the world of meaning
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