We can say that in every couple relationship, there are arguments, unresolved problems, and sometimes hurtful dialogues that may later be regretted. So much so that research on couple relationships shows that 69% of couples' problems are problems that cannot be solved anyway. So, given such a large rate, how can some couples somehow maintain their relationships? The magic here is creating a "healthy dialogue" about the problem that cannot be solved.
Sometimes, there is such an argument that the voices are raised, sometimes the other partner is physiologically closed off from listening, and words are said that will make you feel ashamed and regretful when remembered or reminded a few days later. We see that afterwards, couples generally engage in dialogue with each other again as if the incident had never happened; Either one gets offended and the other acts as if it never happened; Sometimes both of them ignore the incident.
If the hurtful words in past arguments or the perceptions of each partner in the argument about that issue have not been addressed in some way, one day, the suppressed emotions and unexpressed thoughts in that fight will come together. It will break out again somewhere. To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to re-process past fights, regrettable events, or past emotional damage. “Processing” means being able to talk about the event without reliving it. To achieve this, we need to calm down and keep an emotional distance from the event. From now on, it may be possible for you to revisit your past argument in a healthier way with some of the tips below.
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First, tell your partner that you want to talk a little about your argument the other day. You can make a good start.
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Then, without mentioning the content of your discussion that day, share with him what emotions you felt throughout the discussion (anger, guilt, exclusion, loneliness, etc.). Ask what emotions he/she is feeling. Without commenting or criticizing.
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It's time to explain how your discussion was experienced "from your own perspective". To tell you what. Tell him what you saw with your own eyes throughout the discussion. When doing this, avoid accusatory statements. “That's what you said!” Instead, use softer expressions such as “I heard you say that.” Likewise, ask your partner to tell his or her reality. Just listen to him without judging or defending. You can sometimes use sentences such as "Now I can understand it better from your perspective." These types of sentences do not mean that you agree with him/her, they show that you can understand how your partner experienced the event, even at least part of it.
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Be sure to explain your daily stressors before the argument, which may have affected your mood during the argument. . For example, if you have a problem at work, express it to your partner.
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Finally, give suggestions to each other so that your next discussion can proceed more healthily. And share something you can do yourself for future discussions by making a self-criticism.
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