If you have a Defectiveness & Shame chart, many of the following items will be familiar to you:
DELIVERY CORRECTION
- Emotions
- I am often embarrassed.
- I often feel guilty.
- Sometimes I feel there is something wrong with me.
- Inadequate/not good enough/worthless /I feel like an insignificant person.
- I am ashamed of my sexual desires.
Behaviors
- Sometimes even if I'm not guilty I am sorry.
- I quickly take on the mistakes of others.
- People around me say mean/derogatory things to me.
Thoughts
- I am very aware of my flaws: too much like being angry, grumpy, stubborn, boring, weird, domineering, fat, thin, tall, short, weak…
- I'm not attractive/cute at all.
- I am lucky to have my girlfriend/wife with me.
Relationships
- My partners are often very critical of me.
- People around me criticize me, they say insulting things to me.
- I mistreat people who love me.
AVOID COMMUNICATION
- Emotions - Thoughts
- I'm afraid of being disgraced.
- I am afraid of making mistakes in front of others.
- I am afraid of appearing bad to my partners.
- I feel restless in the presence of people who can perceive my flaws.
- People I like don't like me, people who like me don't like me.
- If they know who I am, they won't like me, they won't want to know me.
Behaviors - Relationships
- I don't have long lasting relationships.
- I don't open up to men/women I really like.
- I don't open myself up in my relationships, I don't feel comfortable around my partners.
COACHING OVER COMPENSATION
- Feelings – Thoughts
- I envy people with better qualities than me ( more beautiful, more successful, richer people...)
- Because of my partner's flaws I get very angry (faults such as not understanding something, being ugly, etc...)
- I get very angry with my family members for their faults and mistakes.
- Sometimes I am ashamed of my family or partner.
- Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be perfect.
- I get very angry if someone criticizes me.
- I have to work hard to be very good.
- I am very jealous of my partner from others.
Behaviors
- I often criticize my partners.
- I always strive to be the best. I am too competitive.
- I strive to be very beautiful, be very successful, have status, or be very rich.
- I have relationships with people who are “lower” than me. (I feel like I'm superior to my partners.)
- I react aggressively to criticism (eg I yell at my critics, insult them…)
- I compare myself to other people.
ORIGINS
- If you have the imperfection schema, some of the following childhood experiences may reflect you:
- My mom/dad he used to criticize me a lot.
- My mom/dad didn't like my work.
- My mom/dad criticizes my personal or physical characteristics (“You're overweight, lose some weight”, “You're too naive, be a little alert. ”, “You are so clumsy”).
- My mom/dad used to talk as if there was something wrong with me (“You look like your father”, “I wish you were a little like your older brother”).
- My mom/dad used to say I was bad, worthless, incompetent (“Nothing will happen to you”, “You're stupid”)
- They got very angry with me for my little mistakes, they blamed me.
- I was constantly compared to my siblings, they loved my siblings more than me.
- My parents used to fight a lot.
- I was physically or sexually abused when I was younger.
- No one cared about how I felt (even if your physical needs were met very well...)
IMPACTS ON LIFE
- How does the imperfection schema affect your life:
- They turn away from you because you criticize your loved ones too much.
- While striving to be perfect you are experiencing insomnia or burnout.
- You are not able to establish satisfactory close relationships because you have not fully opened up.
- You are constantly unhappy because you let them criticize or blame you too much.
- You feel lonely because you haven't said what you really want and love.
- You cannot live in the moment because you are anxious and “too self-aware” around other people.
- Your self-critical inner voices are intimidating.
- You are often depressed.
- You have an addiction to alcohol or behaviors such as overeating.
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