Who doesn't want to have a happier and more successful relationship? I guess it wouldn't be wrong to say that many couples come together and establish relationships for this purpose. Because people want to enter into a couple relationship in order to meet similar expectations such as loving, being loved, experiencing mutual satisfaction, and being happy. However, it is not possible to say that expectations are met to the same extent for everyone during a relationship.
So what could be the reason for this difference? What are the reasons why some couples are happier and more successful in their relationships, while others are more unhappy and unsuccessful? Why do some couples always fall into the same cycle and become unhappy? What do couples who have happier and stronger relationships pay attention to? What do they do to achieve this?
John and Julia Gottman, the founders of Gottman Couple Therapy, who have been conducting scientific studies on couples for many years to find answers to these and similar questions, have more successful relationships in the light of the data they obtained from these scientific studies. They obtained important data about what couples with marriage do and do not do. According to one of the findings; Couples with more unhappy and unsuccessful relationships intensively used 4 destructive interaction patterns in their relationships. In other words, those who had happier and more successful relationships stayed far away from these 4.
John and Julia Gottman call this quartet: "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and describe this quartet as being in strong relationships. They see it as a kind of poison that prevents its establishment. According to them, in order to turn dysfunctional relationships into strong relationships again, it is necessary to remove these four horsemen from the couples' lives and replace them with antidotes. Otherwise, it is inevitable that relationships will be damaged, lose their function and end.
So, what are these 4 Horsemen, which are just one of the reasons for more unhappy and unsuccessful relationships? How can we change these 4 Horsemen?
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Their Antidotes
Horseman 1: Criticism
Criticism conveys the message to the other party that you are lacking, you have negative aspects, you are problematic. soluble. In addition, since the person criticizing actively uses you language, it makes the other party feel very blamed. This causes the other party to become defensive and the conflict to escalate further.
Ex: You are acting very rashly. You always think about yourself.
Antidote: Instead of Criticism – Make Soft Starts
To eliminate the first horseman, avoid accusatory statements and you language. You need to stay away. The easiest way to explain how to do this is as follows: Instead of defining the other party, try defining yourself. So, express what the situation makes you feel. Try to explain to the other party what you need. While doing this, be careful to use soft expressions and use your "I" language. In this way, both parties will not blame the other party and will express their own feelings.
Ex:Instead of "You are acting very thoughtlessly"
"My opinion is when making this expenditure." I felt so worthless because I wasn't taken. I need to feel that I am cared for”
2nd Horseman: Defense
This mechanism, which is a part of us that we bring from birth and that we need to survive, is at its fullest when it comes to relationships. On the contrary, it may become harmful. This may cause damage to the current relationship. A person who has a defense-oriented approach during interaction has more motivation to justify himself. Therefore, in such a situation, it will be difficult to understand what the other person is saying and what they need.
Ex: A: We are very upset about your spending on make-up this month.
B: Look at your own phone bill. You don't realize how far you've come.
A: What about the food you eat outside...
Antidote: Instead of Defense - Take Responsibility
Responsibility to be able to receive; It is to give the message that we can accept the part of ourselves that contributes to the problem and take steps to fix it. It is quite difficult to do it in the beginning. However, if couples can add this antidote to their lives, they will have taken a very restorative step for their relationships.
Ex: A: This month, make-up. Spending too much on supplies has put a strain on me financially.
B: You're right, I may have been a little thoughtless about this this month. I will pay attention next month.
3rd Horseman: Humiliation and Contempt
This horseman is giving the message to the other party that we are not equal to you in this regard, you are lower than me. This can sometimes be done through a word, sometimes a facial expression, or sometimes a behavior. No matter how it is done, belittlement and humiliation make the other party feel unimportant and unappreciated. This is one of the biggest enemies of strong relationships. That's why it's important to stop it.
Ex: You couldn't get something done. Give it to me, you are so incompetent.
Ex: A: That word of your father hurt me very much.
B: You think too much in your mind. There is nothing to exaggerate.
Antidote: Instead of Humiliating and Belittling – Appreciate More, Share Interest and Appreciation
Being appreciated in relationships means that you feel valued. Emotions such as feeling are very nourishing. People who can feel that they are receiving these feelings from the other party try to act more giving and conciliatory towards them. Because a person who feels respected will both feel good and make an effort to make the other party feel similar feelings. That's why it's important that we appreciate, express our appreciation, and listen to the other party's needs instead of insulting and belittling.
Ex: I felt like this job was challenging you. What things have you overcome? You can do this too.
Ex: A: That word of your father hurt me very much.
B: What does that word mean to you? Can you help me understand a little more?
Horse 4: Stonewalling
Indicates emotional detachment during interaction. While one of the parties continues to express himself, the other gives the message verbally or behaviorally that he is not interested in what the other party is saying. It also refers to behaviors such as suddenly cutting off the conversation, taking an attitude, and becoming sulky. These behavioral patterns, which send the message that the other party is ignored and rejected, cause couples to stay upset in the same house for days and act coldly towards each other. can give. Couples who make it a habit to build walls cause a lot of damage to their relationships and have a hard time recovering from this situation.
Ex:Breaking eye contact and not listening to the other person during the conversation
Be present during the event. Do not get offended by the emotion it causes and do not talk for days
Antidote: Instead of Building Walls – Wait to Relax Physically and Psychologically
You feel emotionally disconnected or physiologically overstimulated during an interaction. When you feel and believe that the situation will turn into a harmful situation, instead of stonewalling, expressing that you need a break to experience physical and psychological relief and taking a break is the antidote to stonewalling behavior. It is a more functional option to stop for a while and think about this situation, and continue after you are physiologically and psychologically relaxed.
Ex:When we feel high during the event, we express that we need a break, and then calm down and relax. being able to speak again.
In summary; It is possible to have happier and more successful relationships. One of the ways to achieve this is; The key is to stay as far away from the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse as possible and replace them with antidotes.
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