While I was at the last Tuyap book fair that I visited before the pandemic, my eyes fell on a book that I always wanted to buy from Publishing. Name: Duck death and tulip. The saleswoman said, "Everyone who looked at that book criticized it a lot because it evoked negative emotions in children." And I thought to myself, I guess our children won't be able to grow up as long as we try to protect them from everything negative. I bought the book, went out and decided at that moment: It is time for an article about death with children and it is already passing.
Let's talk about DEATH now. Death is a phenomenon that even adults do not want to talk about. We are terrified, so to speak, in case our children raise questions or experience an incident regarding these issues. We are very confused about how to explain death.
First of all, nature is our biggest helper in such matters. Nature is a smooth transition. It is a great opportunity to explain death. Falling and fading leaves during your autumn trip; It is the first step in explaining death. Those fading, yellowing leaves are very valuable in telling the cycle of life. Here the examples can be multiplied so much that they are related to the cycle of life. From the sun to the leaves, day and night, plants and many more.
And we come to the 2nd step; To continue with examples from animals and insects, that is, from nature. The short life cycles of butterflies are very ideal. Fish, bees, ants, nature is a treasure trove of examples. Maybe by burying his beloved dead animal in the ground, performing a ceremony for it, and giving him the opportunity to experience grief and enable him to come to terms with it.
Actually, we shouldn't go too far, every child's car or toy breaks at home, and sometimes, when you say "it doesn't work anymore", just mentioning that everything has an end may make it easier for you to cope when you experience bigger losses in the future. .
Let's face it, we cannot protect our children from some emotions. Unfortunately, we cannot protect them by telling them not to be sad, not to cry, not to see the difficulties of life. Actually, it is normal not to protect. So it should be. Think about it like this: mourning and death is a subject that we always avoid, a subject that is never touched upon, a subject that is never touched upon. Wouldn't life be more challenging for a child who is faced with a problem? That's why the first death experienced by children; Let it be a fish, a bird, an insect, a flower, a leaf and a toy.
So what do we do when explaining?
There are many rules. simple; concrete and clear. We know that children are in the concrete operational stage. One of the most commonly used mistakes is; Confusing explanations such as he is now watching us in the sky, he has gone far away, he is sleeping in the ground.
It is important to say this to eliminate the confusion; he is no longer alive, we will not see him anymore. Simple explanations such as his body has expired, so he cannot breathe, eat, or walk.
2. As such, death cannot be explained by sleep; He is asleep, sleeping on the ground, resting on the ground, or in the sky.
Although the way of explaining death varies according to age groups, this is basically the case developmentally (also in sexual education). When children bring up a question, make sure to reflect the question to them - you. It is important to give him what he needs, but not more, by saying "what are you wondering about?" He might have wondered just one thing: For example; related to death; Could it be that he was cold? He might just be curious about that. Afterwards, if he is satisfied, he goes and continues his game, and we, as adults, ask how so and are surprised. This is proof that children are very strong and they will digest what they have learned through play.
Well; A close person in the family has passed away, what to do now?
The following situation usually occurs in families: Hiding the Death. Explaining death to families is difficult, they think that we will share it when the time comes, and usually it never comes, it is not talked about and it is covered up. Of course, children are aware of everything, even if families do not want to be aware of it. Children even say to themselves, "something is being hidden from me," and thus this situation can cause the child to lose trust in his/her family. I can say that I have seen many examples of this breach of trust in my clinical experience.
That's why the person he trusts and loves needs to explain it in plain language, honestly and openly. One of the first reactions from the children here is; So what will happen to me? is the reaction. A. People are very surprised by this situation and may think how selfish it is. Therefore, the parent can say this at this point; -From now on, that person's duties will be performed by that person. The important thing is to give this message; You will be sad and I will be sad too, but you are SAFE, there will be others who take care of you, and you are still SAFE.
Families hide their tears from their children, run away to another room, and ignore the mourning at home. The first thing that comes to children's minds is; If even my mother or father runs away from this feeling, I need to run away too. So they think, I can't cope either. Instead, parent, I'm having a hard time right now, I'm crying, I'm sad, and I miss you so much too. Let's look at the photos with you, think about the features of the person we love, let's remember the memories and being able to accompany the emotions together will be good for both the parent and the child.
Let's not forget; It is the developmental duty of both the child and us to confront death and the concept of death. Being able to grieve is also something that makes a child grow. Children become stronger as they face life's challenges.
Now, if we come to the book DUCK, DEATH AND TULIP, which we wrote in our title; Although this beautiful book, which tells children in literary language that they and their loved ones may be finite, is good for the confusion experienced by children, I believe that the child profile before us should be evaluated well. Reading this book to a child who is in a traumatic, phobic period about death and whose anxiety has increased excessively, without therapeutic support, will make the child more comfortable. It can hurt a lot. Apart from that, I recommend that both adults and, paying attention to what I said, children over the age of 6 read this book, because; It is one of the rare books that describes death in a naive and realistic way.
Apart from that; My own books PLACE AND THE SQUIRREL, GOODBYE MR MUFFIN, BEN'S SHIP, AUNT FATI'S STAR, MY MOTHER IS EVERYWHERE, MY GRANDPA'S ISLAND, IMPORTANT THINGS, THIS GARDEN, ZUVATA are also children's books that work with grief, and are recommended.
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