From birth, all children are exposed to difficult life events. Even birth itself is a serious change. It is inevitable and happens in a traumatic way. That is why maternal contact and the breastfeeding process are given importance due to the need to support the child in coping with this change and separation. Because it has left its safe bowl and contact has been lost. A new nutrition and respiration system has come into play. He can't get through this alone. But their tiny bodies can cope with this quite well.
They hold on to life and overcome it with contact with their parents, temperature balance, and meeting their physical needs. Of course, things are a little easier in a natural and smooth process. But even if setbacks occur, children have a serious struggle to survive.
We actually have an innate natural power of struggle and recovery. But somehow, we develop the belief that our children, who have overcome this great struggle, will not be able to cope with life events as they grow up, and our tendency to protect and care for them comes into play. Naturally, we offer him some comforts. By trying not to cry, not to be sad, not to get tired, not to get hurt, we begin to prune/blind his fighting skills. Afterwards, we become even more anxious because we cannot control it (which is impossible to control). As he becomes weaker, he naturally becomes more affected, and we continue to worry about him more and display a more protective attitude... and then we end up in a huge cycle.
For example; As parents, when we think that our child cannot cope with the feeling of not having a toy, we make him reach for the toy to stop crying. Afterwards, when nothing else happens, the unaccustomed child starts to cry more, and the parent fulfills the requests faster and we continue to watch his or her cries with sadness and helplessness. As a result, a cycle is created that we cannot break and we stay in. When we believe that his crying is a bad and difficult situation, he develops such a belief after a while.
The same situation happens when we believe that the separation of parents is the worst thing that can happen to him, when we believe that he cannot overcome it when he fails, when his friend gets angry at him, he is always alone. It also happens when we are afraid of being upset. The child also sees our emotions and perceives them accordingly.
The child, who has experienced many "crisis periods" in his growth journey, will be stronger and better equipped to face the next crisis when he copes with it in appropriate ways. The child whose resistance becomes stronger as he encounters the stresses and difficulties of life; When he reaches adulthood, he will develop the ability to act independently. Resilient children tend to be brave.
We can think of this as the need to be sick or vaccinated in order to strengthen the immune system.
In addition to being exposed and strengthened, there are also situations that need to be protected. For example, it is obvious that events such as physical harm, sexual abuse, difficult/contentious divorce, and abandonment will leave permanent scars. We must protect ourselves from all this as much as possible. However, it is not possible for us to avoid events such as moving, changing siblings, changing schools, or starting school. These experiences, when handled well, are events that can contribute to growth and strengthening. In addition, some other situations that we cannot manage but need to be with are situations such as the loss of a parent or natural disaster. These, too, will leave a mark, but they will also become stronger with our support.
However, all difficult experiences bring with them "fear and anxiety". First of all, the event itself creates stress and frightens. For example, when a dog bites, it is a natural reaction for the child to stay away from dogs for a while and be afraid. Afterwards, what we call "anticipatory anxiety", concerns about whether it will happen again may begin. It may be more, especially if one is prone to anxiety. Here, factors such as the magnitude of the event, genetic factors, the child's temperament characteristics and past experiences, and environmental factors affect the process. In other words, the way adults handle it is also effective. We will talk more about this subject in later chapters.
To summarize; Challenging life events are inevitable, they should be handled correctly and evaluated towards strengthening. However, sometimes quite devastating events can happen, and we must do our best to prevent them from being/feeling alone in such situations. We must give the message, “It is difficult, but you are not alone.”
What Changes in a Child with Difficult Experiences? Can clicks be observed?
We mentioned that difficult life events create stress and anxiety. In such cases, we observe in children what happens in adults.
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If the first reaction is fear and strain, this will have physical symptoms. Such as rapid heartbeat, irregular breathing, sweating and tremors. These symptoms subside when the danger situation passes.
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However, sometimes the situation may continue, there may be a difficult life event that affects for a long time, or the experiences may be remembered. Then physical symptoms may be observed from time to time.
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In addition, emotional tension is also observed in stressful situations. There may be emotional reactions such as anxiety, anger, guilt, and restlessness.
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In the younger age group, such emotions may manifest themselves as restlessness, whining, restlessness, stubbornness, the need to be near parents, difficulties falling asleep or staying asleep, and appetite problems.
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Reluctance to go to school, reluctance to study, academic problems, and friend problems may be observed.
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Also, children's games are affected. Situations such as playing less, having problems with the game, not being able to continue playing the games as before, or playing games with the same/similar content may be observed.
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Some children may show more immature/regressive behavior in the face of challenging events.
All the symptoms mentioned are natural reactions or situations expected in case of stress. Although the occurrence of these indicates that there is stress, it is also an indication that he is struggling, reflecting/explaining, or trying to cope. It's good to be able to see these. It has a stimulating effect in detecting and supporting adults.
At the same time, the impact level of the event is related to how it is interpreted rather than the event itself. Therefore, the effectiveness level of events is quite relative. An ordinary event for one may be traumatic for another. In other words, a child who has fallen off the couch, had a minor car accident, or undergone an ordinary medical intervention may also experience distressing reactions and loss of resistance in the long term. This is not because the event is scary, but because the child's developing nervous system is afraid. is that he was affected by it. That's why I say we should think twice before assigning meaning to the events we experience.
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