COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR COUPLES
By creating a balance between women's need to express their feelings and thoughts and men's need for distance and emotional control, a supportive atmosphere between couples can be created. For this purpose, some basic communication skills are discussed in psychotherapy sessions, demonstrated to couples in practice, and then homework is given for them to apply in their own lives. Information about both verbal and non-verbal communication is also given, and correct and incorrect communication styles are discussed. In addition, the mutual empathy skills of the couples are also studied and exercises are made for this purpose.
Non-verbal communication skills
While communicating, we offer many things to the other person through our verbal as well as non-verbal communication. We give a message. It may be possible to say that nonverbal communication is often more effective than verbal communication. If we act contrary to what we say, the other person will make a comment based on our behavior, not what we say. Many communication problems between couples are based on lack of nonverbal communication skills. For example, if one of the parties is excitedly talking about a feeling or experience, and the other party, reading the newspaper, just nods and says, "I understand, I am listening to you," the person telling the story will use nonverbal behavior as a basis and will feel that he is not listened to or cared for.
The basic points that constitute nonverbal communication are as follows (Egan, 1994):
- Positioning our body and head towards the person in front of us
- Establishing eye contact, not looking away
- Showing that we are listening and interested with our facial expressions, gestures and facial expressions
- Our tone of voice and speaking style should be in a way that shows that we are interested (for example, a speaking style that is not sarcastic or condescending)
Empathy
Empathy is one of the keys to effective communication. In its simplest definition, empathy is trying to understand individuals' feelings and thoughts without judging them by entering the world of perception of others (Rogers, 1980). In other words, empathy is temporarily helping someone else. Living in someone's life means looking through their glasses.
If spouses listen to each other actively, put themselves in their partner's shoes, try to understand them, leave out their own feelings and thoughts, and convey what they hear or feel to the other party, they will have an empathetic communication.
Example: The female partner of a couple cries after learning that their IVF treatment was unsuccessful. The following sentence made by a man can be given as an example of an empathic approach:
“You are very disappointed now, you think that all our efforts were in vain.”
A non-empathetic sentence for the same situation could be as follows. :
“Crying won't solve anything, it's not the end of the world, so what, we'll try one more time!”
Hearing the first sentence, the woman feels understood and supported. Since the second sentence ignores the woman's feelings, the woman may feel that she is not understood or supported.
Couples that can empathize:
- They can strengthen their relationship,
- They become supportive of each other,
- They learn to respect each other more,
- They are protected from mental traps such as mind reading.
Couples, in therapy sessions, psychologists Being able to develop their empathy skills with support not only brings them the gains above, but also helps them know themselves better and gain insight into their reactions to events and people.
Communication keys for couples
As men deal with problems, as mentioned in the "Coping Styles" section above, they prefer to support their wives by suggesting solutions or controlling their emotions because they often resort to problem-solving strategies based on reason rather than emotion. Even though they do this with good intentions, their efforts may be perceived by their partners as ignoring their feelings or trying to cover up the issue. Over time, men may feel inadequate in showing support to their wives and may distance themselves from the issue altogether, resulting in a greater emotional disconnection. Therefore, basic communication skills Couples who can bring this into their lives can support each other more effectively and sincerely, without the need to find a solution for an issue that is beyond their control, such as infertility.
When spouses begin to hear and understand each other in a better and healthier way by communicating effectively. , it will be easier for them to accept that they are both affected by infertility in different ways. In psychotherapy sessions, couples often explain issues related to each other from their own perspectives and expect approval, but this does not lead to a solution and keeps them in a vicious circle. Instead, if partners accept each other's feelings and thoughts as they are and do not try to change them, they will take a positive step for their relationship. By learning to empathize with each other and name their feelings, spouses can see that they can be supportive while preserving their differences during the infertility process.
Women often expect their partners to understand them without saying anything, to fully fulfill their expectations regarding the infertility process, to approach them with endless empathy and Expects them to be able to express their feelings clearly. This is one of the cognitive traps that many of us experience from time to time in our own lives; We expect the other person to read our minds, but this is a big dream (Domar & Dreher, 1996). Since none of us have the ability to read the other person's mind, if we have this expectation, there is a high probability that we will be left with disappointments throughout our lives. For this reason, it is another important element for the healthy communication of couples that women express all their expectations and needs regarding not being able to have children, as in every other issue, clearly, but in a pleading tone, without commanding.
In therapy sessions where couples' communication skills are developed, the issue of when and how to share feelings and thoughts about infertility can also be brought to the agenda. In this regard, couples should make a joint decision and determine the time and place of sharing together. It may also be recommended that they do not share these things in the bedroom or at the dinner table. Because sharing in the bedroom is related to sexual life. It can disrupt the spontaneity and joy of your work. Likewise, it would be healthier to keep the dining table, where couples can come together during the day and have the opportunity to have pleasant conversations, free from stressful issues. Additionally, in addition to infertility-focused, supportive and empowering posts, couples may be advised to spend time exploring different aspects of their relationships. Enjoyable activities performed together make the treatment process more comfortable. For example, taking walks together, going to the movies, taking walks in nature, and being with friends in social environments further strengthens the bonds of couples with each other. Couples should be reminded that no matter how their treatment turns out, they will always continue to exist for each other and their love will grow stronger with effort.
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