Failure to adapt in romantic relationships is a common problem in couples therapy or in clients who apply for a relationship individually. How does this failure happen?
Failure to adapt occurs in 5 steps.
1. Step-Sliding Door Moment: In a committed relationship, partners expect support and understanding from each other through their words and actions. For example, it can be as simple as “Can you get me a coffee?” or as deep as “I need you” after a frightening health history. Not all offers are always open. Many can be overlooked, ignored, or misunderstood. When one of the partners says “I love you”, they may wait for the other to turn around and hug them. But at that moment, he hears the answer "I know" from the partner who does not pay attention to this situation. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other partner's reaction is to either open the door or keep the door closed and turn their back. Any reaction that does not include interest and reaction will close that door. Long-term relationships are all filled with bad closed-door reactions. Even relationship masters couples experience moments when one of the partners seems sad or joyless, or even particularly happy, but the other doesn't understand it.
The partner may be tired, bored or focused on something else. Most of the time, the person does not think that it is important to remain unresponsive to such an event.
It is certain that a small event will not break all the ties of the relationship. But it is dangerous not to talk about what happened that resulted in unhappiness. Over time, the partners asked, “Am I a priority or is someone/something more important than me? He may start thinking things like “.
2. Step 2: Regret Happens
At the end of turning your back on the sliding door, the conflict flares up. You notice an offended or accusatory expression on your partner's face and realize that you messed up some things. If you are lucky, your partner will be open about the problem. He tells you what he feels and the part that is a problem for him, and waits for a solution.
Break your opponent The damage can be repaired if the partner who has been through it accepts what happened and takes responsibility for his or her own role. But if he turns his back instead, the ensuing pain and anger will cause the event to become a conflict and explode. Every regrettable event breaks a piece of the mutual trust of the couple. It is often unclear what drove the partners to the regrettable event.
Relationships are complex. When the door is closed, both partners may feel injured. Such incidents in between do not destroy the relationship. But a turning back, followed by acknowledging damage and inability to repair, takes couples one giant leap closer to failure to adapt.
3. Step 2: Zeigarnik Effect: Zeigarnik observed that in a coffee shop in Vienna, waiters cope with mixed orders even without typing. When Zeigarnik, impressed by the memory of the waiters, met with them, she realized that they could not remember any order they had just brought to the tables. After taking the order, the waiter completely forgot. He called this pancake the Zeigarnik effect.
THE EVENTS WE DIDN'T COMPLETE
WE REMEMBER BETTER THAN OUR COMPLETE.
We are twice as likely to remember unfinished matters than those we have processed or somehow set aside. Discussions that end with confessions, reparations and deep understanding towards each other are usually forgotten in a short time, but a stronger and lasting relationship remains behind. When the hurt or break in the 1st step results in a regrettable event, that hurt is in our active memory due to the Zeigarnik effect. It turns into a constant source of unease, which causes an increase in negative attitudes towards the partner, like a stone stuck in their shoes.
4. The Step Takes Negative Emotion Dominance Once trust is shaken, partners begin to feel that the relationship is draining. They can no longer feel that they are two friends. The frequency of seeing each other in a negative light increases. People under the influence of this are neutral. tends to make comments and even interpret positive events negatively. One evening, one of the partners says that he will cook dinner in the evening. The partner who complains about his marriage reacts with suspicion. He is sure that his partner is malicious because of the dominance of negative emotions. He may think, "If he is definitely cooking, his family will come, or he has definitely done something bad and this is his compensation". He can't just think that his partner is being kind.
The most common effect of negative emotion dominance is training to perceive neutral or harmless comments as negative. Happy couples are open to perceiving positive emotions. They perceive each other's neutral behavior positively. And their negative emotions are not taken into their own.
Negative emotional dominance reinforces the belief that she is not only thoughtless at times
but also selfish. There may be times when the doubt is justified. But there will be times when doubt is unjustified. The assumption and expectation of the negativity of the partner will harm the relationship.
5. Step
As the couple's interactions deteriorate, their efforts to communicate become increasingly inefficient. Failure to express discontent in a constructive way is the harbinger of four negative forms of communication that prevent repairs from being successful. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and wall building.
1.Criticism: Make sure to express the things that make you unhappy in your relationship, but instead of attacking, use a gentle way of starting. This approach includes making a clear comment about your concern and expressing your need in a positive way.
2nd Contempt: It is a verbal abuse implying that the partner is in love. It includes insults, sarcasm, snoring, and contempt. 3. Defensiveness: It is understandable that you want to defend yourself if you are the target of verbal accusations. You may justify the defensive reaction, but this attitude does not end the conflict. On the contrary, it escalates tension. Defend The antidote to tyranny is to accept responsibility for part of the problem.
4. Walling: As tensions rise, physically affected partners stop making eye contact, nodding and nodding signs that they are listening. Instead, it reacts like Stonewall and blocks all stimuli. Walling extinguishes all hope of resolving the conflict.
These problems and behavior patterns can come to the point where couples cannot notice in their relationship. In this case, since getting a counseling and couple therapy session will enable couples to see themselves from each other's eyes and from the outside, they can approach the problem with different solutions and more open to change.
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