Human is a social being. One of their most basic needs is to live together with other people. Individuals realize their emotions when they are in social relationships. They develop different behavioral patterns as appropriate reactions to the events they experience. Individuals are beings designed not to live alone, but to interact with other people in a community. They need relationships with the opposite sex just like they need relationships with other people. In order for relationships to become more accepted and approved by society, individuals need to have their relationships approved by marriage rules. Some people decide to get married, considering marriage as a necessity of social life and accepting that such a relationship is very natural and necessary. Some people get married in order to get rid of loneliness and not have to live their lives alone in the future. Some people, for economic reasons, prefer to marry people who have better financial conditions and will provide them with a better future. Some people consider getting married in order to have children. Some people marry to achieve sexual satisfaction. Some consider the institution of marriage as a business partnership between men and women, make an agreement by laying down marriage rules, and establish the institution of marriage by binding it to rules. (Çaplı, 1992)
Saygılı (2004) about the institution of marriage; Although there have been changes in the duties of families in recent times, the following four basic functions have always existed and will exist:
1- Meeting sexual needs: Various restrictions are imposed on sexual behavior in order to ensure the peace of the society; Marriage rules are also among these restrictions. However, sexual needs are not the only purpose of marriage.
2- Ensuring economic cooperation: Ensuring economic cooperation: There is a division of labor and cooperation according to gender in all known human societies. Due to their physical strength, men are generally given heavier and more challenging tasks (such as hunting, mineral processing, logging, etc.). Since childbearing is essential for women, in addition to this duty, they are often given lighter jobs (such as housework, food preparation, child care, fabric weaving, soil hoeing, etc.). It seems. In short, the economic contributions of men and women to the family complement each other.
3- Providing an environment for reproduction and proliferation
4- Raising the child, care and education (Socialization): Family members contribute to the family unity by fulfilling their share in this regard.
Whether the marriage life is successful or not can be understood by whether the marriage in question complies with the current standards. Criteria are shaped according to the culture in which the family is formed and developed, geographical features and the personalities of the members of the marriage institution. That's why there is no definitive criterion of success in marriage. Naturally, the success of marriage is a relative judgment. The positiveness of this judgment depends on the good choice of spouse. Choosing a good spouse depends on having the opportunity to meet people of the opposite sex. (Bilen, 1996)
People who are getting married (whether they are members of a primitive society or a modern society) always face a set of rules regarding spouse selection. (Gökçe, 1978)
Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions in human life. The rest of a person's life can be affected positively or negatively in many ways by this decision. Marriage is an extremely important decision, as it can cover more than half of a person's lifespan, sometimes even up to two-thirds. The decision to choose a spouse is an important yet difficult and complex process. With this decision, she decides how she will move forward, develop and change, what kind of life she will lead, and even with whom she will have children and raise children with them. (Şenel, 2004)
The institution of marriage is a social institution aimed at ensuring the continuation of the number of human beings. Man has tried to ensure the continuation of his own generation through this institution. At the same time, marriage is an institution that forces people to live regularly and, as a result, to comply with social rules. Through the institution of marriage, it is easy to know who is who and how they can be controlled. How to keep this important institution alive was one of the important issues discussed between 1970 and 1990. When the family dies, gets sick, etc. It has been claimed.
The issue of establishing marriage has become a subject of interest in recent years. It is an issue that is beginning to be investigated. (Bacanlı, 2002)
While choosing a spouse and getting married were the responsibility of the "family" to which the individual belonged in the traditional order, today the tradition of marriage through a "sector" has become the personal responsibility of the "individuals" with their independent will. It has become a way for them to choose their spouses. However, it is very difficult to say that individuals who decide to choose a spouse and marry make their personal decisions with their free will, completely independent of the values of the society they live in. In modern societies, individuals think that they marry as a seemingly "free" choice, but it is impossible to say that this choice is based on complete freedom. Because many social factors such as social class, status, education level, beliefs, lifestyles, family origins condition individuals' thought preferences regarding the choice of spouse and the qualities of the spouse and direct the "choice of spouse". Choosing a spouse is a future-oriented decision that involves multidimensional variables. (Özgüven, 2001)
The Importance of Choosing a Partner
When choosing a partner, girls and boys should know each other's characteristics well and make a conscious evaluation about whether marriage is possible or not. They need to do it.
Happiness in marriage largely depends on choosing a good spouse. It should not be forgotten that in marriage, two people with different personalities and from different backgrounds will be together and share life. For this reason, spouses should first know and evaluate "themselves" and then "each other" well. Beyond each other's personal qualities, they should know what each other expects from life, marriage, and the future. Real expectations, goals should be emphasized, and the most important and possible problems should be discussed and resolved before marriage. (Özgüven 2000)
We stated that a person should know himself well before making the decision to marry; correct and clear answers should be given to questions about what kind of person he is, what he wants, what kind of life he thinks about.
This point is very important for a person to know himself. Individuals often apply the patterns they learned from their parents, even if they do not find them correct. In other words, the individual sees the pattern he sees from his parents. � should be analyzed well. Otherwise, under the influence of this situation, he may choose someone who is very similar to the parent as his spouse. The following words we often hear among spouses around us are a clear indication of this situation.
· You look just like my mother/father
· You talk like my mother/father
· You are becoming more and more like my mother/father
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Individuals choose the methods they learn in their relationships with others. Even though he opposed them in his own childhood. In this respect, before marriage, every individual must emotionally detach from their parents and stop being under their control. (Yılmaz, 2007)
Although it is difficult for candidates to measure their expectations regarding marriage before marriage, expectations should be considered and discussed with close people in order to ensure marital harmony. Let's examine Adler's views on marital harmony, which he mentioned in his book "Cooperation between the Sexes", considering marriage not as an escape but as a beginning:
"Young girls who see marriage only as an escape; Again, think of the women and men who see marriage only as a necessary evil. The difficulties arising from this tension between the genders have reached gigantic proportions today. The stronger the woman's rebellion against the role that has been forced on her since childhood, or the more insistent the man is in playing despite the "privileged" nonsense assigned to him, the more intense the conflict between the sexes will be."
"A good marriage is , is the best way to raise the future generations of humanity, and this quality should always be taken into consideration in marriage. Marriage is truly a duty, it has its own rules and laws; We cannot adopt some of those rules and laws and reject others without damaging the cooperation, which is the eternal law of this earth's crust. If we limit our responsibility to five years or interpret marriage as a trial period, we cannot achieve the intimate dependence of love. If men or women look for escape routes with such excuses, they cannot gather the necessary strength to fulfill their duty. In no serious task of life do we seek such means of escape. Loving and limiting love do not go together. No one can tolerate someone else's behavior. cannot limit.Glasser (2005) We know what features are necessary for a love partnership. Loyalty, truthfulness, honesty, not being distant, not trying to prove one's personality...
If a person believes that infidelity is valid everywhere, it means that he has not prepared for marriage correctly. Even a real friendship cannot be maintained if both partners decide to protect their own freedom, their own independence. This cannot be called camaraderie. We must be free in every respect in the comradeship. We make ourselves dependent on cooperation.”
Undoubtedly, the greatest expectation of marriage is the spouses' desire to live a common and harmonious life. What we will see when we look at the relations from a further distance is the fact that this partnership cannot be achieved without effort. Ürkmez ,Ogurtan, (2007)
Spouse Selection Methods
"Selection of spouse", one of the most important decisions in an individual's life, is affected by many variables. Research conducted in our country and abroad on various factors affecting an individual's preference and choosing a spouse, attitudes and value judgments regarding the differences in spouses' preferences, and the results of Özgüven's (1994) research on "university students' preferences regarding marriage and spouse selection" are summarized below.
In the research on the factors affecting choosing a spouse, Özgüven (1994) gave students some marriage methods in various parts of our culture and asked which one they preferred. To this question, 74% of the 350 students included in the sample from five universities in Ankara answered that they preferred to get married after a long period of friendship. "Marriage of convenience" came second with 18%. The frequency of the answers given to options such as "crib check", "arranged date" and "with someone he liked at first sight" was very low. When we look at the gender groups, there is a parallelism in the preferences of boys and girls. It is noteworthy that the gender difference is that 13% of boys and only 3% of girls adopt traditional mate selection methods. being from a village”, “proximity to housing
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