“Knowing and being are completely different… Knowing and doing are completely different…”
When we know the structure of the brain, we start to work in cooperation with it instead of being its slave. In other words, when we make peace with our brain, as we are one step closer to making peace with ourselves, we also take steps to make peace with people in the outside world and our perspective on the world. Although there is a lot to know, read, research and learn about the structure of the brain, in this article I will be writing to you about the area responsible for emotions and the possible consequences of accepting and rejecting emotions for us. I will try to give you a perspective so that you can know the power of mirroring and have it in your life...
If we, as adults, learn these and accept our own emotions as they are, if we can approach ourselves with compassion and love as if we approach a baby, we will be able to do the same towards others. . Especially when it comes to children, a very important way to accept our inner child and approach it with compassion is to 'accept our own emotions as they are'.
When it comes to positive and negative emotions, positive emotions are generally reflected in us. While it is much easier to see and accept life events that give excitement, enthusiasm and happiness, unfortunately it can be easier to blame our negative emotions on others. In a situation where we are angry, it may not always be easy to know that 'we' are responsible...
For example; Let's take the example of a parent who gets angry at his child, who does not come to the table and does not leave the phone in his hand, even though he calls the child to the table 5 times for dinner, because he does not obey. They say that no matter what they do, they cannot succeed, that there is something wrong with their child, that they cannot concentrate, that they cannot hear them. Of course, they are not wrong when they see this. However, when I say that the change here should be made by the parents, not the children, and when I say that if a criminal is wanted, that criminal is the parents, not the child, I first get a reaction from the parents. “But we tried everything, sir…” they say. Afterwards, he said that if they had tried everything, they would not have talked to me about these things at that moment, and that every problem had a solution, even if it had not been found yet. We start talking about it being available. The important thing here is that when the parents see that they are giving their power to the child out of desperation, that they cannot teach the child what they want to teach with anger, shouting, and 'come on's said a million times, whether they are consistent with the rules, how their relationship with technological devices is, etc., they start to agree with me. Because the only truth in the environment is the 'truth', and that is only one. The root of the undesirable behavior of a child who has only been in the world for 5 or 10 years can always be found. If parents accept their inner child with compassion and approach them with love, they become capable of doing the same towards their children. If they are cruel and full of anger towards themselves, they reflect their 'inner child' onto their children. Here, too, the knot starts to get more and more difficult... In order to solve the knot while it's on its way, I recommend that you get support from an expert when you start to notice the problems, regardless of the thought that 'it will go away with time anyway'. Because every moment of your child and the child inside you is very precious! The healthier the relationship between a child and his parents in his childhood, the more the child mirrors himself, the more valuable, visible, important, etc. he feels. feels. I am sure that achieving this is the most precious wish of every parent...
You can improve your awareness of the event/situation that makes you angry in 3 steps:
You are angry! First, accept your own emotion without judgment and unconditionally.
What do you need to cope with your anger in a healthy way and not get angry about this situation?
What is your share in this situation? What can you change about this situation?
If we use the example above;
I am angry because my child did not come to the dinner table and did not leave the phone in his hand even though I asked him to do so 5 times.
What can I do with this situation instead of yelling and saying "come on" and wearing out myself and the environment? I need peace, I need my words to be listened to, I need my child to put down the phone and come to the table when I say it once.
“I have a big share in this situation because I have never set any limits until now. I was. If I got angry because he didn't leave the phone for 3 days, I didn't act consistently on the other days and let it go. That's why he doesn't take me seriously. So, first I have to act consistently. Let me talk to him and say, "If you choose not to come when I invite him to the table from now on, you will have chosen not to play on the phone for a day," and let him take responsibility. We did our internal reckoning... If you change this situation in yourself, your child will adapt to you and come to the table when you first invite him, maybe not on the first day, but after your consistent behavior.
This was just an example. In each case, the answers to each situation will be completely different and unique to the individual. If you patiently, consistently stick to this answer, there is no condition that you cannot change.
Let's give another example for the moment your child has a tantrum. First of all, there may be many reasons behind your child's tantrum (did he see it from his parents, did he see it from his teacher, did he see it from other friends, did he have a personal trauma, has he been like this since birth, etc.) If we think independently of these reasons, your child will not hear you in the moment of anger! All he needs is: INCLUSION! The child expects his feelings to be understood, accepted and mirrored. In other words, the only need is to say 'You are angry right now' and wait for the child to calm down (the child can be held or sat next to him, depending on his needs). If you try to talk at those moments when he is 'on alert', no matter how old he is, he will either blame you and direct his anger towards you, start hitting you and direct his anger towards you, or withdraw and continue crying. As a result, the problem will not be solved and the same crisis will continue to occur in the next triggering event. Remember, children may not yet be able to manage crises on their own, they may need the support of an adult, and this is the most natural need.
If you choose to support them in times of crisis and help them cope with these negative emotions, They progress towards becoming individuals who are at peace with their emotions, have developed inner strength, and have high problem-solving skills.
MY CHILD, TELL ME ANYTHING. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN
Children whose emotions are not covered by adults, after a while, begin not to talk about their life events. Because they create the perception that they will not be understood. For example; If your first reaction to a child who tells you that he had a problem with a friend at school and that he got angry and hit his friend is sentences like "You did wrong, hitting is not a good behavior, it's your fault too, why did you hit him?", after a while the child will close himself off to you, won't tell you, and will act like it didn't happen. He behaves, ignores his problem, brushes it off, but in real life he continues to hit his friend at school. What needs to be done here is to first mirror his/her current feeling to him/her. In other words, there should be a sentence for the child such as "You are very angry, you are very angry with your friend, you are angry, etc." If this happens, the child feels understood, an atmosphere of trust is established, and helpful strategies can then be taught about what can be done instead of hitting behavior.
Going back to the beginning: “Knowing and being are completely different… Knowing and doing are completely different…”
In my own personal life, I also use these perfectly. Can I do it this way? NEVER. But the important thing is to try as much as we can to put into practice what we know day by day, not to blame ourselves for what we cannot do, and to pat ourselves on the back for every baby step we can take and improve ourselves instead of feeling guilty and regretful for what we cannot do. After reading this, when you start mirroring yourself and your child every day, even just once, you will see with your own eyes how your world will change and your relationship will progress in a healthier way. Believe me, it's worth a try! That's why the most valuable gift you can give to your child, who says "MIRROR" even if he/she is not aware of it, is to include them and their feelings...
MIRROR to both your children and the children within you. I wish you full days.
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