Family Communication Language – Active Listening

It takes a long time for parents to acquire the necessary skills to effectively help their children with the numerous problems they will encounter.

Sometimes, when talking to our children, we prevent them from becoming individuals by using the following sentences, either positive or negative.

To give orders, to direct. (Don't talk to me like that, pick up your toys, etc.)

To warn, to intimidate. (If you do that, you will regret it, if you say one more word, you will go to your room.)

To give a moral lesson. (You should not behave this way, you should always be respectful to your elders.)

Giving advice, providing solutions and suggestions. (I'd like you to talk to your teacher about this.)

To teach is to suggest logical ideas. (You must learn how to get along with your friends.)

Judgement, criticism, blame. (You are not thinking correctly, you are doing something very wrong in this regard.)

To praise, to have the same opinion. (You are very beautiful, I agree with you, you are very successful, you are right.)

Name calling, mocking. (You are a spoiled child, sharp-witted, baby)

To interpret, analyze, diagnose. (You are jealous of Ayşe, you say this to make me angry.)

Asking questions, testing, cross-examining. (Why do you hate school? When did you start feeling this way?)

Going back on your word, stalling, acting playfully, diverting the topic. (Forget it, how is basketball going? How is school going? Let's not talk about this at dinner.)

With the active listening method, mothers and fathers should show that they accept their children with their words and feelings. The active listening method enables children to increase their self-confidence, develop their problem-solving skills, and feel valued by loving and accepting themselves.

LISTENING SKILLS

1. PASSIVE LISTENING (SILENCE)

If you are the one talking all the time, it is difficult for the child to explain what is bothering him.

As long as we are silent;

-I want to hear his feelings. .

-I accept your feelings.

-I trust your decision about what you want to share with me.

-There are strong messages such as: This is your problem - you are responsible. It shows acceptance by not interfering with the child.

Parents Parents want their children to learn quickly and correctly. You can show your child that you accept by not interfering. For example; A mother sends a message of acceptance to a child who is trying to build a sand castle on the beach, by not intervening in what the child is doing and allowing him to 'create his own private model with his mistakes' and remaining silent. The child will think, 'What I am doing is right', 'My mother accepts what I am doing'. (Positive)

Parents cannot understand that by interfering with, controlling or helping their children's affairs, they make them feel that they are not accepted. They want to know their thoughts, how they play, what they do at school. Thus, they do not allow them to be individuals. This situation is mostly caused by parents' fears, anxieties and their own insecurities.

By mixing in, 'This is what makes a sand castle.', 'Build the castle far from the shore, the wave will come and take it away.' (Negative)

Not interfering when the child is busy with something is a clear message that parents accept it. It is necessary to allow children enough time to be alone with their own pursuits.

2.REACTIONS SHOWING ACCEPTANCE

Silence is the first step of communication. We must show him that we are truly giving him our full attention. Therefore, it is helpful to use verbal or non-verbal signals that show that we understand his words and feelings, especially when he pauses. We call these signals 'approval responses'. Appropriate use of nodding your head up and down, leaning forward, smiling and other body movements shows the child that you are listening.

3. DOOR SEALERS AND INVITATION TO TALK

Children have difficulty expressing their problems and feelings. They need support to talk.

-Do you want to talk about that?

-Your thoughts interest me.

-I'm curious about your feelings.

-I understand, it's interesting, I'm listening, isn't it…

-I want to hear what you have to say.

-You seem to have something to say about this.

-This is important to you. It looks like.

These reactions are open-ended. It opens the door for children to talk about their problems and advises them whether to share or not. He knows freedom. These door openers make the child feel that he is accepted and respected as a person.

4.ACTIVE LISTENING

Active listening does not merely mirror the child's previous message and It is the verbal response that transmits back. Showing that you understand the child by conveying back what you heard from him is active listening.

For example;

Child: I don't want to sleep in that dark room full of ghosts.

Mother/father: In your bedroom. You think there are ghosts, and that scares you.

Child: Yes.

Child: I don't want to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow.

Mother/Father: One of you I think there is a problem.

Child: I don't like him.

Mother/Father: You say you don't like him.

Child: He always does what he wants in the game.

Child: (crying) Ayşe took my toy.

Mother/Father: You are upset, you don't like having your toy taken away.

Child: I don't like it.

Above. In each case, the mother and father responded to the child's message with active listening. Frankly, active listening is not silence. While listening to the child's problem, the mother/father did not reflect his or her own solution, judgment and evaluation. The mother/father's response is the reflection of the child's message.

IF YOU AS A MOTHER AND FATHER CAN PERFORM 'ACTIVE LISTENING' WITH YOUR CHILD:

-The child's negative emotions will decrease. (Helps him fully explain his negative emotions.)

-Emotions are friends. (When you accept your children's emotions, you help them accept their own emotions. With the feedback they give to their children, parents show that the child's emotions are not bad and scary, but friendly.)

-Deep sense of compassion. (Being heard and understood by the mother and father will be very good for the child, and he will always have warm feelings towards the person who listens and understands him.)

-The child starts to listen to you. (If the parents have listened to their children before, the children will also have warm feelings for the person who listens and understands them.) listens to their fathers.)

-Children assume their own responsibilities. (Active listening helps the child think for himself and find his own solution to his problem.)

-As a parent, you will learn to trust the child.( You will learn to trust his ability to solve his problems by seeing him solve his own problem without your solution.)

-As a parent, you will be more accepting. (Children's parents have opinions about which emotions they will experience in which situations. Likewise, children may experience different emotions. You will learn to accept these emotions.)

-Your child is now a separate individual from you. You will help your child just by accepting this separation.

-You don't have to be 'Super Mom and Dad'. You do not have to solve all your children's problems, shape their behavior, and bear the blame for their failures.

You will be 'together' with them when they have problems, but you should not let their problems become your problems.

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