How should we approach children in the face of war, migration or natural death?
Children usually start to ask questions about death in the preschool period, but some of them don't ask at all and don't seem interested. Often this is not because they are not curious, but because they are afraid to ask their parents about it. The parents' overly anxious attitude towards death does not go unnoticed by the child. At home, they perceive the subject of death as a dangerous zone, so they do not engage in it at all. The first way to prepare the child for any loss, especially death, is to give the child the message and feeling of "There is no harm in talking about this subject." and it is important that it is tolerant and loving in its expression. Otherwise, a child who cannot ask what he is curious about, who is constantly criticized or silenced cannot be expected to open his feelings in difficult situations. and trying to figure out what he knows about it. In addition, if the child is wondering what he/she is asking at that moment, just answering it briefly and clearly will help families in informing about death.
Sometimes it is not easy to “hear” what children are really asking. The parent may need to respond with a question to understand what the child's underlying emotion is. For example, by responding to a question such as 'mom, will we be happy again?' as 'do you think we will be happy again?' and encouraging him to talk a little more, the depth and content of the emotion he experiences can be learned.
Mother Two behaviors that fathers usually do that negatively affect the child are avoiding or excessive confrontation. Avoiding means glossing over, ignoring, staying away, and even creating an environment for the child not to ask questions when he or she asks; It causes confusion in his inner world and causes him to worry too much. Confronting is giving information and details that are not appropriate for the child's age, mental and psychological maturity; It causes confusion in your inner world. Instead of these; children don't talk about death It is healthy to pay attention to when they are willing and ready, and to respond to attempts to speak with an open and calm approach. While talking to the child about death, reading and naming the emotions (curiosity, fear, anxiety, etc.) in the subtext of what he said has a healing power. Such statements create confusion in the child. It is healthy to say "dead" directly. Another objectionable behavior is to match death with a certain criterion. Matching death with age or a disease, such as the elderly die, cancer patients die, creates different anxieties in the child. Then, if he asks where the deceased is going, saying "he died, we can't see and talk to the dead people again, but we always feel our love for them, we can talk about him if you want, we can look at his pictures" and openly sharing your feelings gives the child a space where he can open his feelings safely and feelings.
Children may feel guilt and anger when a close family member dies. Especially pre-school can last up to 10 years, the child thinks this death is his own fault. Saying, 'Your uncle is dead, it's not your fault' puts your mind at ease. When asked "Why did he die?", for example, "his heart stopped, he died", it can be said. The child often does not ask for details after such an explanation. But if he asks, it's good to share some details.
The child has a secret curiosity about whether his parents will die and what will happen to him in every question. Sometimes he can express it openly, sometimes he cannot. In either case, it is comforting to always reassure him, to say "I am with you, I plan to be with you for many years, to do the things we love for many years" and to dream about the things they want to achieve in life together.
Children learn by repeating. . It is good that the parents calmly answer with the same emotion over and over while he asks again and again. they can't cry. Therefore, they may perceive the funeral process, for example, the burial process, differently. It can be scary for them. For this reason, it is beneficial not to take a child to funerals if they are under the age of 10. Funerals are places of intense emotion. These feelings are heavy for the child, so the child often does not want to attend the ceremony. Especially if he/she wants, he/she can be taken.
When they ask about the cemeteries, a short and concise explanation can be made if they are under the age of 10; It would suffice to describe it as 'the places where the stones we write the names of in order to remember those who died' are located.
The most important thing to consider when giving information to the child about death and the processes related to death is how the parents approached. Whatever death represents for the parents, it will unconsciously transfer it to the child, even if the parents want to hide it.
What to Do During Grief?
Children, especially those who have entered puberty, may want to be alone. Adolescents may be locked in their room and not leave their room for two or three days. The younger ones like to play alone for a while. This is because some emotions are revealed in their inner world and they want to process it. In such cases, it is better not to spoil it, but to allow it. After a period of loneliness, he continues to establish relationships with family members again. Then he wants to be alone again. This is how he works his inner world, sometimes by being alone and sometimes socializing.
Making physical contact from time to time, hugging, patting the head has a soothing power. When a child's feelings are intense, it's good to let them express themselves and show physical closeness if they need it. Contact ignites feelings of attachment, love, and security in our brains. It soothes.
Finally, allowing the child to express positive and negative feelings helps in the grieving process. Sometimes children get angry, “My mother is such a bad person, she left me! I hate him.” Expressing it helps him regulate his emotion. If there is a controlling and judgmental person around, he may say, "You cannot talk behind the dead," and intervene. This harms the child.
After having a relationship with someone, our brain processes their emotions. pya. If that person is worried, we start to worry, if he is calm, we calm down. Therefore, it is good for the child to associate with people who are temperamentally calm, calm, somewhat carefree.
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