The relationship we establish with our parents or primary caregiver during our childhood affects, positively or negatively, our current relationships with the people we are in close relationships with. These relationships are extremely important because they shape our lives. We first learn to establish relationships with our caregivers, and then we carry these behavioral patterns we have learned to our current close relationships or romantic relationships.
If we were able to connect safely with our parents in our childhood, we will be secure in the way we relate to our adult lives. We feel as if we are in a safe haven when we are in a relationship.
We generally see that we are with people who meet our expectations and as a result, we experience characteristics similar to the types of relationships we have with our parents.
We have 3 types of attachment styles;
Secure attachment: When a securely attached child is away from his parents, he first feels general uneasiness and reacts negatively, then when his parent comes back, he immediately calms down. , they return to normal. It is a safe space for them in the environment as they feel safe with their parents.
Anxious or ambivalent attachment: Children with anxious attachment feel uneasy and insecure even when their parents are with them. The feeling of insecurity they have causes them to be unable to explore the environment and adapt to the environment they are in. They feel insecure when the parent leaves, and even if the parent comes back, this feeling does not go away immediately. They do not calm down easily and become angry with their parents. It may take some time for this anger to subside.
Avoidant attachment: Children with avoidant attachment often show avoidance behaviors towards their parents. Even when they are in the same environment, they do not communicate much with them. They do not cry, get upset or display negative behavior when their parents leave them. Even when the parent returns, they have no contact with him/her. They see it as if it doesn't exist. For them, it doesn't seem to matter whether the parent is gone or not.
Connect still Our lives affect our current intimate and romantic relationships. Two important factors are; These are the concepts of COMMITMENT AND CLOSENESS. While commitment makes us feel connected and safe to our partner, the concept of closeness makes us feel in a warmer relationship.
Securely attached people usually communicate healthily, even when they have problems. . They are constructive in their relationships, and even if there is a problem, their priority is to try to resolve it within the framework of logic. They do not feel constantly tense, distressed and sensitive in the relationship.
Anxiously attached people get angry when there is a problem, think that the other party does not understand them, and show negative behavior. They believe that they will constantly be deceived, humiliated in front of people, and that people threaten them. They become very anxious, panicked and anxious because they think that their partners may constantly deceive them. This situation makes them angry at the other party after a while and they cannot carry out the process logically.
Avoidantly attached people; Instead of connecting to the other party and waiting expectantly, they prefer to withdraw and be alone. We can also say that it is a complete deserted man or deserted woman model. They do not want to be in close relationships because being in close relationships harms them. Or they find it better to leave/run away as soon as they feel a close relationship with their partner. Close relationships bore them and they do not want this situation. That's why they generally prefer short and one-night stands instead of serious and long relationships.
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