Today, we see that social expectations, value perceptions, perspectives on education and training have changed and all of them have been updated in some way. Having access to information often helps us, but does this guide us correctly enough? Are there any topics we missed? These factors, you will appreciate, also apply to raising children. Different books are published on family attitudes; Different theories, studies and applications are put forward on this subject. We see that parents do a lot of research and application experiments on these issues.
The question I am asked the most is, rightly, what is "the best" for our children. In this context, very sincere questions such as “How can we raise our children better?”, “What should we pay attention to?”, “Are we doing wrong?” is coming. Yes, the information we obtain or our approaches may be correct, but the main point that is missed in this framework is sometimes who our children are, what they want, their skills and motivations. In short, individual differences...
We can choose schools of thought for raising children and apply them, but at this point, expecting the same results from all children can lead to disappointment. For example, from the parents: "His brother/sister has never done this, he is very shy, his peers can take everything from him, he does not want to go to school, he cries all the time, the other one left him at the school gate in the morning and returned happily in the evening. We raised him in the same way." are coming.
Relationships in the family system, spoken language, humor structure and even gestures are passed on to our children through implicit learning. Albert Bandura's research on social learning included preschool age children. In the experiment; A visual containing violent behavior by an adult towards an inflatable toy was shown. In the visual, the adult researcher attacks the toy and hits it with a hammer. Two groups of children in the same age range, those who watched the video and those who did not, were left alone in the same room, their behavior was recorded, and it was seen that the children who were exposed to violent visuals showed violent behavior. He continued his violence and even showed different methods of using violence. It was concluded that children who did not watch violent visuals were significantly less likely to engage in violent behavior than those who watched them. In short, our attitudes and behaviors are very effective on our children; the imperative sentences we use at home, rude behavior or a violent argument in traffic are quickly learned through the wonderful observation of our little ones. In other words, expecting children who grow up in a family structure where family members behave rudely to be kind and affectionate to their peers may disappoint us. If we look at other examples; The most common complaint is "he always has the tablet in his hand, if we let him play until the morning, we couldn't take it away no matter what we did." Unfortunately, our families have a really hard time in this regard because children's observation skills are very high; They constantly monitor at home, on the bus and at school. You will appreciate that; Likewise, if we observe, we can see that there are many people who spend time with a phone, tablet or technological device in their hands. They are subjected to instructions such as "grandma rules", such as "if you do your homework, I will let you play with your tablet" to help them eat or to calm down when they get angry. In this way, we reinforce them and sharpen the motivation for desire.
In addition, our childhood memories are quite strong. Even though there is a lot of impairment in short-term memory, as seen in Alzheimer's patients; We see that he remembers the neighborhood where he grew up and his parents to a surprising degree. The memories and learning in our long-term memory are quite strong, and it is obvious that what we learn through observation is remembered. For example ; Memories such as "my father always read books", "he never left the house without shaving", "my mother always sang folk songs while cooking" are memories that we learn through observation. On the other hand, negative learning can also be quite permanent. Our parents' conflict resolution styles in childhood, when a problem arises Their reactions or analytical approaches when faced with problems are important facts that we learn on the way to becoming an individual.
A person who can stand on his own feet and defend his own interests. If we want to raise individuals who are knowledgeable and able to achieve autonomy, let's briefly talk about the main factors that are essential to focus on in this regard.
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How consistent are the decisions we make, what we say and our behaviors?
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Do we care about individual differences?
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Is the child's opinion taken into consideration, regardless of age?
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To what extent do we reinforce and support his/her privacy and autonomy?
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Are our demands appropriate for the child's developmental age?
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Are our wishes and our role model behaviors consistent?
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What kind of communication methods do we try when making decisions with our spouse?
Conclusion If we consider that each person is "unique", adopting the same upbringing style for all and expecting the same results may not lead us to the right conclusion. The basic attitudes and approaches that we will focus on will strengthen our communication with them, and as they can develop more foresight while communicating, they will be able to feel more confident and highlight their individuality. Hoping to be involved in a child's game.
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