How do the differences between men and women's psychology affect the relationship in marriages?
In general, women feel a lot of empathy, and they sympathize with empathy. Women are generally detail-oriented, while men approach events more concretely. The way they see an event also differs from each other. There may be a perception that we are looking through the same window but seeing differently.
I want to answer this question by considering our society. The lives of men and women and the missions undertaken in our society are completely different from each other. A man must definitely work and take care of his wife and children. The woman should take care of all the problems of the house and the children. Yes, these are legacies in our society from the past to the present. A little bit of our culture, a little bit of our totems, our taboos.
In order for something to be experienced, it must first be needed. A working, tired individual wishes to rest at home, watch television or read a book. However, an individual who works at home from morning to evening and is not seen working dreams of communicating with the person he is waiting for throughout the day. When expectations and current times are different, needs change. New decisions are made. Apart from the material need, working is a spiritual need.
We can also look at this question from this perspective. If we think about men and women in a relationship, men have limited observation about a problem experienced or an event observed. To explain with an example, a man and a woman went out to dinner. The man did not talk much during the meal, he was tired and was thinking about his job. The woman starts to complain about this situation. The man says, "You're right, we don't always go out to dinner, I should be interested in you." The woman, on the other hand, is a detail oriented person and says, “Yes, you did not pay attention to me, but today I wore my black dress just for this meal, I had prepared just for this meal. I have been looking into your eyes since we sat down because I know that we will never live this moment again, we will never live these days or this age again. If we look for a right person in the example, both couples are right. In this example, we can understand that women generally see the picture from a wider perspective. Many of the problems in relationships occur due to high expectations. r. The woman in this example attributed a lot of meaning to this meal, prepared it, and when she could not find what she expected, an argument broke out.
Speaking of expectations, what do men and women do about each other in marriages? waits?
Actually, this question differs from person to person. Everyone's expectations are different. For this reason, the biggest expectation of a psychologist or family counselor is for the couple to know each other. Because if couples get to know each other, they will also start to get to know their relationships. I ask my clients to tell me two important things they expect from their spouse or partner. After the answers, the big key is opened for me to get to know people. In general, we are a distrustful, suspicious society. The first answer I usually get from my couples is "honesty, being honest". Therefore, I expect couples to act with an open mind towards each other.
According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, there are 5 levels. These; It consists of steps such as shelter, breathing, love and trust, but I believe that along with these steps, there is also the need for understanding. Couples need to understand each other the most and feel understood in that relationship. Being understood heals the soul.
A relationship begins with love. It begins with meeting the needs to love and be loved. People should know how their partner wants to be loved. Does he constantly expect compliments through verbal expressions and want to hear his loved one? Does he want to be loved in a way that appeals to the eye and receive gifts and love notes? Or does he want to be loved by hugging and kissing in the form of tactile, skin-to-skin contact? When couples learn the answer to this question in the room, they are usually surprised. For this reason, I expect the readers who look at these lines to determine how their partner expects to be loved and how they want to be loved. You will have taken a big step in getting to know yourself and your partner...
What kind of problems can spouses' unrealistic expectations from each other cause?
In fact, knowing one's partner can also be determined by expectations. Lately, we have been working, running our business, loving and even being loved via social media. Don't say that someone's wife is a big rose ti and the person shares it on his account. Someone's wife brings a rose that does not fade and the person shares it. The other person's wife paints the house with rose petals and the person shares this with a nice note. Another one sends orchids home, with 5 seedlings. We love our lover and spouse with an effort to show off. This situation also increases expectations. By trying to show today's shortcomings on social media, we are trying to cover our shortcomings and prove ourselves to our followers.
Comparisons are the biggest worms that fall into the middle of a relationship. After a while, question marks may arise when expectations are not met as a result of comparisons. In fact, we can give an example of the first months of a relationship or marriage. In our society, these months are called cicim months. In these months, partners do whatever each other tells them to do, it is thought that this time continuity will be achieved, but when changes occur over time, these months will continue with disappointments. Sometimes it is necessary to accept change. You will meet, your relationship will begin, you will have sweet months and there will be ups and downs in your relationship, but think of these ups and downs as a heart rhythm. These ups and downs will be the breath of life for you.
What would you like to say about spouses wanting to change each other in marriage, what things are normal for them to want to
change?
The word normal varies in every relationship. These requests, which can be considered normal, vary depending on the person and the relationship. As a psychologist, I try to reflect this to my couples. Nowadays, most couples meet and enter the marriage process that way. Therefore, most features are already known to people. If previously known characteristics are tried to be changed after marriage, the thoughts of the person who demands change in the couple change.
People should accept each other as they are. Of course, they will also have requests from each other. It is important that these requests be in a position that does not compromise the person himself and does not harm his relationships.
There is a saying in our society about having a relationship; “We are like two halves of an apple.” I find this sentence very dangerous. I find it. Like people giving up on themselves, like trying to transform, like falling into exhaustion. So, the question of what to do is to accept that there are two different individuals in a relationship, that each individual has different characteristics, that is, they are two different apples, not two halves of the same apple.
The first relationship we see is the relationship of our mother and father. I sometimes see couples get triggered by the smallest details and warn their spouses out of fear that they will not have a marriage like my parents, or they experience disappointment with the thought that "my parents were not like this." To give an example again, the man's search for his mother's taste in his wife's food, the woman's perception of a husband who will protect and look after me like my father. It is difficult to abandon this perception suddenly, but if you are trying to do this, realize this and accept your spouse from now on. You and your spouse are a new couple, you will shine a different light, you will not be in someone else's shadow. Give yourself, your partner and your relationship an opportunity.
What are the mistakes made in communication between spouses?
Couples sometimes feel like arch rivals. Sometimes they can turn into siblings who are constantly bickering. We have already talked about the importance of expectations. Failure to meet expectations creates conflict, with demands for more. There are many discourses for women. Books with blank pages called "Guide to Understanding Women", books 20-30 books thick, etc. I find these jokes very wrong. In fact, in my opinion, these are not jokes but direct social labels.
In our society, women are known to talk more than men. That's why a complaint arises from men: "Stop nagging, woman." I don't think women are nagging on this issue. A woman has an expectation and a wish. He expresses this to his partner (in the meantime, he shoots one of the arrows with a sticky tip at his partner), but this arrow does not stick to the other side. The woman says: This man did not understand me, let me explain it again... (she takes another arrow out of her arrow bag and pulls the bow so that it sticks towards the man) Again, the man either did not listen or did not understand. This time, the following system is formed in the woman: (So I have to shoot arrows all the time, one of them will definitely stick) The woman is the real one here. He goes into so many rumors so that he can talk more, explain me, hear me, understand me. The other party gets defensive and makes accusations, saying "stop nagging".
One of the biggest problems we face in relationships is accusations. How can you have a relationship in the same house with someone who constantly blames you and searches for what's wrong with you? Isn't it tiring? A bit like boot camp: “Aha, I got you! You are guilty again, you are always like this, you never listen to me, you never open the door smiling!” In order to be understood by your partner in relationships, instead of making sentences starting with "YOU" and blaming them, express your own wishes, thoughts and feelings by saying "I".
One of the mistakes we often encounter is that couples become angry with each other and prefer to remain silent. However, according to research, it is known that couples establishing a communicative relationship and discussing and discussing the problems they experience increases the continuity of the relationship by 20%.
Another mistake made in relationships is trying to be right. According to my observations, couples try to create their own ideas in their relationships. “What I say is true, I am right” However, if spouses stop looking at each other as rivals, stop trying to be right, and try to be happy, they will have a more successful relationship.
The effort of spouses to change each other is a situation that we often encounter as a reason that wears out the relationship. Be the way I want, dress the way I say, talk the way I say. However, spouses are two different people, and if spouses perceive each other as "we will consist of one person and the other will be just like our reflection in the mirror", it will be like living in a country of necessity.
Couples are in harmony in every respect. Should it show?
If couples are in harmony on every issue, there will be a relationship lived through a single person. There are two people in a relationship. These people's childhood experiences, family relationships, memories of the environment they live in, education life, business life, and relationships with the opposite sex differ from each other. Couples are each other's average
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