Adolescence is learning to dive into a sink full of water so that you can live in the ocean in the future:
I was 9 years old when I first dipped my head into a bathroom sink full of water, which I blocked. Many of you think that breathing saves lives, while in another situation (for example, under water) breathing keeps you alive. The more calm, gradual and partial breaths you take, the longer you will live under water.
That's what I did.
I realized for the first time at the age of 9 that my mother and father had the rope on my leash, and that I could move as wide as they wanted me to be. . If you ask how I have lived like this until this age; Once upon a time, there was not much difference between a small puppy and a human baby. But the puppies that grew up with me are now growling and I can think now. Speaking of thinking, unfortunately my parents did not realize that I was not a child anymore and that I could think.
I experience many of the things that they avoid me with, while they do not even consider this possibility. It's actually not that bad; Excuses or lies are easier than giving an account.
Actually, it's like breathing under water; The more calm, gradual and partial breaths you take, the longer you will live under water.
Of course, I would like to have a family that listens and understands me, or just expresses their concerns instead of judging me out of nothing. This way, I wouldn't have to take partial breaths to stay under water. They would be my snorkel. Instead, they hurt my ears. They always pushed and pulled against something without listening, without options, and without explanation.
My ears hurt. I'm 37 now and my ears still hurt. My wife's voice is mixed with my father's voice, my boss looks like my mother, and whenever I turn back to myself, I find myself drowning in a sink full of water.
I think in the depths of the water, I am looking for my 9-year-old self, and my 9-year-old self is looking for us.
Isn't it a very dramatic and pessimistic story? Under the leadership of literature, the facts are hidden under an imaginary cover, and when we touch the cover, it tells us "-ce e!"
Many people observe and define adolescence as a period of melancholy and sadness. This sadness is an honorable sadness precisely because it is a sadness that needs to be experienced. Because with adolescence, a person moves away from his past life, childhood and family. This is the credo of adolescence. Because of all these distances, the adolescent experiences melancholy and sadness, and on the one hand, this sadness is an honorable sadness precisely because it is necessary. After these distances, adolescence appears as the moment between the past and the future, entirely in the present, as a process of self-dating.
The process of dating oneself is important here, and parents have a big role in this process. To understand this role, let's talk about the self-dating process: The stages of the self-dating process are divided into two; protection against forgetfulness and building the world of future relationships from personal history. In this way, the term 'historian apprentice' is used for the adolescent. So, if the historian apprentice is a teenager, who is the historian? Historical parents. The adolescent answers the question 'Who am I?' by asking 'Where did I come from?' Here, at the point where I came from, he returns to the family he was estranged from and his forgotten childhood. The answer to this question is hidden in the parents. That's why, in the period called pre-adolescence, every teenager asks their parents questions about their blood relations, family tree and most importantly, their childhood. This is both a kind of therapy for their childhood, which they do not want to forget, and a reference for dating themselves. If parents become good historians during this period, family ties will become stronger. Mother-father communication will continue in a healthy way. During this period, most families do the first thing they shouldn't do and try to be friends with them. However, the adolescent does not need another friend at that time, but on the contrary, he needs parents who play the role of historians well and strengthen family ties.
So how will parents strengthen this bond with adolescence?
Childhood period. The needs between adolescence are very different and parent-father communication must change based on these differences. is. In the formation of this perspective, the biggest responsibility that falls on parents during adolescence is; Listening to the other person (adolescent), trying to understand (you may not understand), not judging and not giving clear instructions. Two concepts at the beginning of the steps are very important: To be listened to, to be understood.
In fact, we want and need to be listened to and understood, not only during adolescence, but at every moment of our lives, starting with adolescence. If this need is met in a healthy way during adolescence, the dialogue we establish with society in adulthood will be healthy as well. However, if this need is not met and even if it is constantly ignored or tried to be suppressed, then our communication with our close circle, even with the taxi driver whose car we take, will suffer from the neurotic expression of this deficiency.
What I mean by neurotic expression is; Attitudes that are often involuntary, such as aggression, self-defense through an attack position, non-solution-oriented, problem-oriented tone and way of thinking, that eventually cause discomfort or regret.
Traumas of childhood may manifest themselves in adolescence. A person who begins to evaluate his or her parents during adolescence may exhibit undesirable behavior and have a difficult adolescence in order to punish the parents for whom he or she gave low marks in childhood. In fact, this is even an opportunity for parents. Instead of living with the wounds that occurred during childhood, showing these wounds in adolescence allows parents to dress the injured areas.
I listed these dressing tools above, it is worth repeating: Listening, trying to understand (you may not understand), not judging, not giving clear instructions. As it is said in the article - as a parent - you should "snorkel". See “Of course, I would like to have a family that listens to me and understands me, or just expresses their concerns rather than judging me out of nothing. This way, I wouldn't have to take partial breaths to stay under water. They would be my snorkel.''
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