The debate about how long a marriage lasts is also an attempt to assign a common lifespan to all marriages. But; Each marriage determines its own survival time according to its own dynamics and characteristics. According to the system approach, marriage is a system and goes through different periods. Beyond the fact that the first 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 years of marriage are critical years, the real issue is which phases each marriage goes through correspond to the years of marriage. The most basic stages in a marriage system are; It continues as when the marriage is newly established, the birth of the first child, the birth of the second and other children, the period when the children enter adolescence, the period when the children leave home, and the period when the children get married. What this means is; There are different periods in marriage and the characteristics of each period are very different from each other. If these periods are not evaluated as different from each other and each period is compared with each other, statements such as "the first years of marriage were very different" and "everything was much better before the child" will naturally find a place in the system and lead the spouses to unhappiness and despair. Each phase should be experienced according to its own characteristics and expectations should be updated in accordance with each phase. As a matter of fact, it is one of the most natural processes that the years after the birth of the first child have different characteristics than the first years of marriage or the years of being childless. Since needs, desires, household responsibilities, domestic order, financial issues and roles will differ at each stage of marriage, the family system must make the necessary updates in all these areas. Problems in marriage generally occur during phase transitions, which is a natural result of the process of the system adapting to the new situation. The promising point is that the problems will be over when the new period finds balance.
Among the most important issues that determine the life of marriage is that spouses do not accept each other as two different people and constantly see their different characteristics as a problem. If the sentence "My wife and I are very different" is seen as a problem in a marriage, it means that there will always be problems in that marriage. Because the nature of marriage requires two different people to be in the same system. First of all, spouses must say, “we are in this fog. in m; They should be able to say, "We are two different people who think differently, feel differently, have different needs, different beliefs, different habits, different tastes, different interests." When this acceptance is not made, spouses try to change each other; He argues that his wife, who does not act or think like him, is behaving or thinking wrongly, and he is very disturbed by this. The spouse who is wanted to be changed naturally resists, showing his teeth to survive within the system, and the spouses' power struggle begins. When the lack of a culture of healthy discussion is added to the lack of acceptance of differences, the smallest problems can reach the point of burning the quilt.
In order to solve a problem or a conflict, "How can you think like that!" Without saying or trying to refute each other's truth, "There are two different truths in this house, what will we do now?" It is necessary to be able to say. From this point on, resolving a conflict is not as difficult as it seems. The main thing is to put down the weapons and end the power struggle.
Another issue to be implemented after this big step taken for the health of the relationship by accepting the differences is that the spouses should not interfere with each other's individual boundaries and leave space for each other to breathe. "After marriage, my wife and I do everything together, we spend all our time together" may sound like a romantic statement, but it actually contains an important problem. It is important for individuals to spend time on their own interests and to engage in activities that make them happy when they do it alone, and spouses should support each other in this regard. Spouses should spend time alone individually, spend time together as husband and wife, and spend time with their children, if any. The marriage system gets most of the energy it needs from here. It is very important to create a solid 'we' for a healthy and high-quality marriage. What is needed for 'we' are 'I' and 'you'. Couples can achieve this by preserving 'I' and 'you' while creating 'we', without trying to destroy them.
One of the most common sentences in marriage is "I tell you." "What's the point of doing it after you've done it? Do it from your heart, not just because I said so." This sentence includes the assumption that spouses can understand each other's likes or information about each other's expectations and wishes without speaking. If one of the spouses does not tell the other what food they like, the other spouse will not be able to understand it and therefore, perhaps that meal will never be cooked in that house. Couples should know what each other likes and what makes them happy, make an effort to learn, and do something just to make their partner happy, even if they don't like it. When people do not talk about these issues about themselves, the sharing between them decreases and they come to a point where they cannot find anything to talk about. Your spouse did something to make you happy because you said and asked for it, what could be better than that...
Another issue is that from time to time, couples expect 'zero arguments' about their marriage. It is a fact that a healthy family is one that has problems and can solve them. The existence of arguments in a family that expects not to argue is questioned, and an approach is taken like "why are we arguing?" On top of unhealthy arguments, the reconciliation process is not happening as it should. The fact that the discussed issue is not brought up again after making peace (“we have made peace, let's close this issue now”) or not attempting to make peace until the problem is solved (“the problem has not been solved, why should I make peace”) shows that the reconciliation was not lived in accordance with its purpose. The purpose of reconciliation is for spouses to come together to solve problems, not to sweep them under the carpet. In this regard, personal war should be abandoned and moves should be made for the good of the relationship. Unfortunately, when the two people who are waiting for the first step from the other side with the understanding of "If you take one step towards me, I will run to you" do not take the first step, the energy that the spouses would use to run explodes within them. If everyone took their individual responsibility and took action to take the first step, it would be a very constructive behavior for the relationship. In marriages, people do not win or lose, they gain or lose relationships. Thinking "he should make up first, he should be the first to apologize, he should be the first to come..." contributes to the loss of the relationship, but it does not make you a hero.
For a quality marriage, it is necessary to learn how to communicate well. I say learning because communication is a skill and like any skill, it can be learned later. Since many couples think of communication as just 'telling', many points about quality communication are overlooked. The main purpose of communication is not 'I told you so', but mutual understanding (I'm not talking about agreeing, the main point is to make sure that the same thing is understood) and making people feel understood. For this, it is necessary to know and apply quality communication techniques. Many couples who learn communication in marriage therapy sessions say, "It turns out we haven't been communicating properly until now." Just because you do not know the ways of quality communication until now does not mean that you will never learn it.
In summary, marriage; It is a new system with rules and requiring new skills. When people get married, it means they accept these rules from the beginning. A marriage lived in accordance with its rules is likely to last for a long time in a quality manner. Since no system left to its own devices can sustain itself forever, couples have to make an effort to ensure the continuity of the marriage system. It should not be forgotten that marriages do not end because of negative events, negative events happen in every marriage. What ends a marriage is the lack of positive events. For this reason, incorporating positivity into the marriage system with effort and effort is of vital importance for the life of the marriage. I wish you a long life in your marriage…
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