When parents see their children's problematic behaviors, attitudes or concerns
as reflections of themselves, that is, "the same me", this means that their children begin to deal a blow to
themselves. Especially parents who have positive feelings about themselves
When they do not see in their children what they have, they will feel anger, pain or disappointment that these expectations are not met. “My child should be just like me.
” “Why isn't my child like me?” etc. For parents who do not have positive feelings about themselves, it can be even more devastating if they do not see their children in a way that makes them say "oh, that's me".
Parents with low self-esteem see their children's problems as their own
fault, and what actually happens there is that they try to repair their self-esteem through the child. This is where their perception takes them. Their children's inability to perceive that they are separate from themselves;
It will often trigger unwarranted and excessive feelings of responsibility, thus painful emotions and feelings of guilt.
Many parents see their children as a reflection of themselves, whether in a good or bad way.
Many parents; Essentially, he has not been able to fully separate himself from his child. These parents
feel responsible for any situation their child experiences. In fact, they often think that their children's behavior in early childhood or the characteristics of their biological structure are a result of their own attitudes; According to them, they seem to have almost completely shaped the life and character of their children.
Of course, most of the parents mentioned do these things because they have "good intentions".
Their excessive involvement in children's lives is typically to protect the child from being hurt or to ensure that the child's behavior and choices are "right." As a result, the child who grows up exposed to these attitudes r depends not only on how their parents will feel or how they will behave, how they will make decisions; They grow up in a way where their identities are completely determined by their parents.
Even for children with such parents, their identities are determined by their parents. When they grow up, these children spend most of their time thinking about what and how they will make decisions, paying extreme attention to how they will be seen by those around them.
What if I do something wrong?
They spend their lives with the fear of doing or even thinking about something that will contradict their parents.
They are always confused about their sense of self and what they think about themselves; Because they are constantly confused about whether or not to be what their parents believe and/or think, or which is the right thing to do. “What is true and real for me?” is a question that they have to think about and find the answer to almost constantly.
The sense of pride that parents feel in the role they play in their children's success is quite common and familiar to almost everyone.
But if parents exaggerate their children's successes or failures, this is more than justified parental pride; It can be decided that they have narcissistic
approaches.
The word “narcissism” has a long history, extending from the period of classical art to the ancient Greek period. Since Ovid's story of Narcissus, the story has been treated in various forms, from painting to poetry
: in Caravaggio's Renaissance paintings, in Charles Dickens's story
Mrs Haversham in Great Expectations, or In Oscar Wilde's portrait of Dorian Gray
. The concept of narcissism comes from the first text written by Ovid, the myth of Narcissus, in which Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection in the water.
In the first poem written by Ovid, Narcissus is portrayed as a beautiful and proud thespian.
He is so preoccupied with his beauty and perfection. Kill it; Unable to see, hear, or respond to the needs
and expectations of others. In the story, Echo, a water nymph, falls in love with Narcissus and tries desperately to attract his attention.
Unfortunately, Narcissus is so fascinated by his own beauty that he belittles and ignores Echo's cries and pleas for his love, and Echo dies with a broken heart, out of grief for her love not being reciprocated. Because of this result of unrequited love, the gods punish Narcissus by causing him to fall in love with his own reflection in the water.
Every time Narcissus tries to reach his reflection in the water, he fails because
When it touches water, its reflection disappears; Just like that, like Echo, he cannot meet his love and dies of grief.
For a parent to be narcissistic is to be simultaneously open and unaware of the effects of his/her behavior on his/her child. This type of behavior is more common in people with an extroverted personality pattern
; which these individuals are often aggressive about meeting their own wishes and needs.
Said parent will constantly intervene in every aspect of his child's life, from what he wears to what he says and even what he thinks, hiding behind the normalized roles of inclusivity and protection for parenting.
Or, as another possibility, she will remain completely blind to her child's emotional and physical needs, focusing only on seeing her own "beautiful" reflection in him.
The fact that both parents, or other family members in the same house, are narcissistic is more important for the child than if one or both parents are narcissistic.
will lead to different results. In a family where narcissistic personality pattern and behaviors are dominant, narcissistic means both the individual of each family member is thin and fragile, and in the behaviors they express, they are alert and self-conscious towards others due to this fragility. This will cause him to exhibit an attitude that includes the delusion that he will be harmed.
This type of behavioral pattern
is more associated with individuals with introverted personality patterns, and these individuals –
to relate to the topic, parents – become more obstructive, prohibitive, and
They are shy about situations where attention is drawn directly to them. They are constantly on the alert that they will be criticized.
They listen to conversations with the possibility that they will be criticized, because they are very easily offended and seem to be ready to feel shame and humiliation at any moment.
In this family system, which is named as the covert narcissistic family system in the literature, the child's separation and individuation efforts are suppressed by intimidation and the possibility of harming the narcissistic needs of the parents. As a substitute for this, the child was able to individualize and separate from his parents through more secret and dull methods. Just like
Echo in Ovid's narrative, these children gain attention and validation by being “sensitive and reflective” of their parents'
emotional needs. This disrupts the child's developmental needs
and makes it difficult for them to trust their own feelings and thoughts,
because they are used to constantly responding to external rather than internal demands. The basic message received from the parental “mirror”
or, in other words, its image is for this child: “you do not meet my needs and
expectations; "You are inadequate and you should strive for more." This message
may be responded to in various ways, but even detecting the message in the covert narcissist family is quite difficult because the message is
mediated.
These families appear normal to the outside world, but if you dig a little, it will become clear that things work the other way around
and the narcissistic needs of the parents come to the fore. In this family,
parents prefer to communicate with their children indirectly and through messages.
For example; parent tells child to make bed Instead of saying, “How nice it would be if my child made his bed from time to time!” he says. The message is indirect and passive aggressive.
Tight ties or lack of tight ties also pose a problem in narcissistic families.
The need for privacy becomes a matter of life and death for the child. This "prohibitory" atmosphere at home dulls the child's ability to bond with others even in adulthood.
Since the child's needs are determined and experienced by the parent, the somewhat "standard" approach to the child's
behavior and emotions is to suppress, intimidate, and belittle the child; which will inevitably be the child's role in his/her adult relationships.
Mind reading is another way the narcissist communicates/interacts. This can be quite maddening for the child.
The child is expected to know what his parent wants and expects from him, even if his parent does not verbally explain it. Sometimes the parent may say one thing, but what he means and wants the child to understand is something completely different;
Despite this, the child is still expected to fill the gap between the two messages and decipher the actual message.
The idea of reflection coincides with the aforementioned feelings that parents experience about their own children. Parents who cannot experience narcissistic pleasures turn into parents who experience narcissistic vulnerabilities.
When their children do not behave in a way that makes them proud; This affects the process of separation and individuation of their children from themselves;
Because within these intense reflections, the child will find himself putting his own emotions aside - or even not being able to feel them at all - while trying to please his parents or repairing the narcissistic vulnerabilities they experience.
. When the parents in question look at the water, they cannot tolerate that what is reflected back to them is not "beautiful" and they experience the pain of this, so when they look at their children, they only see their own "beautiful" reflection.
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