In collectivist societies like ours, where boundaries are blurred and individuals are intertwined and close to each other, one of the most studied topics as a therapist is boundaries. Not only with one's partner; The boundaries that people set but cannot set with their family, children, the outside world and social life can often be at a restrictive, hindering and challenging point in people's lives. While the apparent reason for coming to therapy is rarely related to setting boundaries; Considering the difficulties experienced, I can say that this issue has a very intense latent agenda.
The creation of boundaries is as much an illusion as it is a psychic necessity. The need to draw lines allows categories to exist; So this is this, not that. In this way, boundaries make thinking possible. In the psychic world, the lines are blurrier. Who can say where one man's self ends and another begins? The boundary that separates two separate existences is the perceptual distinction necessary for thoughts and emotions to be classified and felt as me-not-you. In other words, the self is born thanks to boundaries.
From a systemic perspective; The external boundaries of systems are determined by the rules that define who participates in the system and how, and by differences in the behavior of members towards people inside and outside the system. The formation of boundaries is a prerequisite for any type of system.
So let's look at what boundaries and boundary setting are. Border; They are invisible ties between sub-systems and systems. It allows differentiation and development of structures. We can also define it as emotional and behavioral barriers that protect and enrich the integrity of individuals, subsystems and families. Boundary drawing is the determination of boundaries between members within a relationship and between the relationship and the outside world.
Like the hedgehogs cold in the snow that Schopenhauer mentioned in his story; We get closer to each other to warm ourselves and relieve our loneliness. However, the handicap of this is that when we get too close, the thorns of our souls prick the other, and theirs prick us; This causes people to lose their integrity, our boundaries, and It creates the risk of disintegration. In this regard, distance adjustment is as important for humans as it is for hedgehogs. This hedgehog story corresponds to the reasonable range of relationships in human relationships. Being able to keep a reasonable distance; It enables one to protect oneself from the other and the other from oneself. True closeness and sincerity are only possible by keeping a reasonable distance.
In order for the individual to determine a reasonable distance, first of all, he must be aware of the concept of distance. For this, one must be aware of his/her individual limits. A person who cannot realize where oneself ends and the other begins cannot adjust the distance.
When people can set boundaries within themselves and within the relationship and reach a reasonable distance range, then their relationship reaches a point where both parties can live more comfortably. In these relationships, partners can breathe and move freely within the relationship. In this way, the parties can individualize within the relationship, realize themselves, be nourished by the relationship and nourish the relationship.
The most useful concepts about interpersonal boundaries are found in the work of Murray Bowen and Saldavor Munichin. Bowen is successful in defining the boundaries between self and family, while Munichin is successful in defining the boundaries between various subsystems. According to Bowen, individuals exhibit differences between fusion and differentiation, while according to Minuchin, uncertainty and rigid boundaries ultimately create knotting or disconnection.
While Bowen's thought reflects the emphasis on separation and individuation in psychoanalysis, especially the dissolution of oedipal ties. and leaving home is emphasized. In this model, we become ourselves by learning to stand on our own feet. Bowen identified only one problem - integration - and one goal - differentiation.
Minuchin, on the other hand, puts forward a more balanced view and describes the problems caused by the boundaries being too weak or too strong. Unclear boundaries cause too much interference in the functioning of a subsystem, while rigid boundaries do not allow for sufficient support. So what do we mean by subsystems?
In Minuchin's theory, families are divided into subsystems. These subsystems are based on generation, gender and function differences where interpersonal boundaries are drawn. It endures. These boundaries are also invisible lines that regulate contact with others. Subsystems that are not adequately protected by boundaries hinder the development of relationship skills. For example, if parents constantly intervene and mediate fights between children, children cannot learn to fight for themselves.
According to Minuchin, interpersonal boundaries vary from solid to messy. Rigid boundaries are restrictive and leave little open to contact with external subsystems. This creates disconnection. Knotted subsystems allow closeness and support, but at the expense of independent self-sufficiency. Engaged parents devote a lot of time to their children and do a lot for them, but this makes the children dependent. They are not comfortable on their own and have trouble establishing relationships outside the family.
So why the need for "unity"? There is a universal desire that has its origins in childhood but continues to exist for the rest of life, and that is to return to the womb, the safe haven where wishes and expectations are met without reciprocation or expectation. This is the nature of union phantasies, which have their origin in infancy, the only time when such desires are truly satisfied. The desire to return to the womb/cocoon, which we all have, can turn into a defensive structure and become an illusionary shelter from the traumas of the outside world and the inner world.
Expressions of healthy aspects of the desire for unity in adult life include love, sexual orgasm, dreamless sleep, indulgence in physical exercise, writing and prayers, and even a longing for unity with the universe in later life. In fact, the longing for unity is a universal phenomenon that begins at birth and affects emotional development. Symbiosis and individuation are two poles between which we oscillate throughout life. While people generally oscillate in two different poles, some are more prone to the symbiotic side. In order to understand the reasons for this, it is necessary to examine early childhood a little more closely:
When looking at the phenomenon of symbiosis from a developmental perspective, we have to look at the psychosomatic aspects of motherhood. The symbiosis that exists throughout pregnancy is interrupted by birth, but the mother and child It would not be wrong to state that it continues to be a guiding and motivating factor in the emotional and somatic interaction between people. He states that the dual unity of mother and baby is an indispensable condition for the separation of the self-ego from non-self within the somatopsychic symbiosis phase. As the child learns the distinction of his own body lines from those of his mother, he can achieve a relatively high degree of ego differentiation.
If the early symbiosis has been sufficient, the child is ready to enter the phase of gradual separation and individuation. In the second year of life, it is the maturation of the ability to move that exposes the baby to important experiences of intentional and active physical separation from and reunion with the mother. Children who have had no opportunity to identify with a container object suffer from defective self-integration and an inability to make a healthy distinction between internal and external spheres.
The issue of boundaries, like many other issues, has a lot to do with early childhood. But just because it feels like this doesn't mean it has to continue like this for the rest of your life. Being able to see the basic processes and emotions you need in the processes related to yourself and your need to be close to each other, and being able to take different positions to achieve these, will be a process that will take you to a much more enjoyable point in your life journey.
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