The big day has arrived. Months of preparations and finally that magnificent sparkle... The day has passed, the world is now a completely different place. That dignified groom has lost his compass and is running from side to side. “Uncle hasn't brought the baklava yet!” A moan from inside: "I will breastfeed, I will feed, do not give formula!" OMG! The whole family, relatives, spouses, friends, are waiting for the first poop... Even the neighbor across the street couldn't come himself and asks on the phone, "Has the baby pooped?" A piece of shit has never been so valuable.
What can the little boy do, he is unaware of the world, he is unaware of himself. Something is constantly happening in your body, a constant bombardment of stimuli from inside and outside. It's a big effort for my poor guy to even poop, he has to work hard... That moon-shaped face turns red, his eyebrows are furrowed... How relieved he would be if my poor guy poofed and pooped. There is also sucking, if only he could get this fertile pool. Does a person not even recognize his hand? No, he just doesn't recognize it... How difficult it is to live... He looks into his mother's eyes, he doesn't know anything, he doesn't understand anything. How needy he is... Will this mother be able to teach him the world? Will she be able to show her baby who she is, instead of reflecting the baby in her own head? Will he be able to see this real angel instead of his own "dreams"? Without sacrificing the baby to their own dreams... Can both mother and father be a suitable soil for the baby to take root and sprout?
“Single and free like a tree
And brotherly like a forest”
In this forest, the first seeds extend from the parents' minds, drip from a genetic pool, and the baby falls into a system of relationships. When does the human soul begin to take shape? Even before birth... A drop filtered through the generations... A system of emotions, thoughts and behaviors that came from the separate worlds of the mother and father and inherited from their own families. I'm not just talking about genetic structure. The relationship that parents receive from their own parents continues with their offspring. When a nuclear family is considered, many factors that affect the baby's spiritual life emerge; father and the spiritual world of the father, the spiritual world of the mother and the mother and the husband and wife relationship that the parents have established between themselves. a relationship... Relationship is the soil where the seed will sprout. In addition to these, the factors that determine these are the kinship relations of the family that continue for generations, the social and cultural structure, the economic situation, even the political agenda and history... And many more... Which comes from the chicken or the chicken from the egg? With all this, a person's psychological health largely depends on their genetic structure and the relationships they establish with important others, that is, their caregivers, in the first years of their life. We will call this mother for now, which could be the father, a caregiver aunt or a relative. You can be both mother and father at the same time; It has been found that babies enjoy the active games they play with their fathers much more. Now let's start from the beginning... Although there is no beginning and end, life is not a linear thing, but let's take birth as a spiritual beginning.
When a baby is born, it is born with a spiritual core. Some call this the visible self, some call it the core self... No matter how it is said, the first two months following birth, as they say when the child is forty, are those periods. Today's research shows that the newborn develops neurobiologically and physiologically at a tremendous pace and can react to stimuli, the outside world, and especially its mother... During this period, the baby becomes especially familiar with its physical sensations and tries to position itself in the world. The baby, who experiences the mother as an entity separate from himself, begins to form emotion precursors through the voice, expression, facial expressions, gestures and looks he receives from the mother. Like a trailer... These precursors mature within the matrix of relationships with significant others. Gradually it becomes meaningful and defined. Each relationship established and the emotions in this relationship will turn into a personality pattern that the baby will carry throughout his or her adulthood.
A newborn baby's world of meaning is shaped by the mother's eyes. His physical and spiritual existence is formed by the feedback he receives from the mother's eyes and facial expressions. The baby looks at the world, the vague shapes he sees are vague colors. In this unknown world, the mother's eyes become a lighthouse that connects her to life and informs her that she is in the world. Not only the emotional world of the baby but also his physical existence is formed thanks to this flashlight. . A self-perception is formed that the mother sees and confirms with her eyes, and the mother becomes a safe base and ground for the baby. The baby, whose needs are met and who adapts to the world under the guidance of a loved and consistent mother, also begins to feel his own existence and his boundaries with others more clearly. It receives and records the mother's repertoire of emotions and meanings like a template. It is not a coincidence that the baby of an anxious mother becomes restless.
If the mother empathically adapts to the child, can maintain her relationship with her baby without falling into her own emotional vortex, can create her reaction according to the reaction she receives from the baby's eyes, and can serve as an emotional capacitor for the baby, the foundations of a safe relationship will be laid.
This is also like a “dance” accompanied by facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice. The more harmoniously this dance progresses, the more the baby's basic needs, including his/her needs to be alone, are met, and the foundations of a solid path to adulthood are laid. The baby takes root with confidence in both himself and the world, and continues to be shaped by a fundamental hope. With this kind of mirroring of the mother, the baby gradually matures and builds itself, creating its own identity. In Kohut's words, the baby born with a primary narcissistic core, that is, the one who needs another to live spiritually and physically, but at the same time does not see the other as a separate entity from himself, thinks that he is capable of everything, that every action originates from himself, and that everyone is an extension of himself. The baby, who feels that he is in danger and whose ego boundaries have not been developed, will mature and pass into the secondary narcissistic period in the following periods, as the mother creates optimal breaks in the baby and mirrors him adequately. The optimal break is a break that the child can bear and emotionally tolerate. It is the baby's encounter with the reality of the world. Like the food coming 2 minutes late, but the mother gently soothing the baby with her voice during this time. This is also an element that strengthens the ego; the baby's endurance capacity increases and his ability to adapt becomes stronger. He is supported in conveying his emotions with that soft voice. This optimal break is immediately It is repaired by the supportive mother's voice that follows. This consecutive break-repair cycle is a spiritual education for the baby. In a suboptimal refraction, the baby's gaze freezes, and at that moment it disperses and becomes dissociated. In this new world, the mother must soften each stimulus and present it to the baby.
If a truck passes noisily outside, the mother sees the baby and can sense the emotional change in the baby, she intervenes there and, for example, starts talking to the baby. , again with a soft voice, reflecting the baby's emotion, the rupture experienced by the sound of the truck is repaired with the intervention of the mother, when the baby comes into contact with reality. With these breaks and repairs, the baby forms itself by being nourished by the mother's presence. It's like this, the mother's spiritual existence acts as a crutch, as the baby uses this crutch, it transforms the crutch into its own leg and now it has its own legs, it does not need a crutch or the mother. However, he needs the idea of a crutch to feel like his own legs are legs. There is no need for another. This becomes a naive need for the other, not to create oneself, but to increase mutual happiness and pleasantness.
The baby grows, grows, becomes a teenager, grows up, becomes a parent, and one day, becomes a grandparent. But this need never ends; in every relationship experience, a person finds himself with the presence of another, becomes himself and recreates himself in this relationship matrix.
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