I have been working with parents for many years and I can say that the most common issue I encounter is "the inability to set limits for their children". “Why is it necessary to set limits?” “Can we not put it in?” Those who say this are actually the ones who cannot control their children the most. If you cannot control your child, if he/she acts as if he/she doesn't hear you, if he/she has difficulty in following the rules, if he/she enters your room without knocking, if he/she leaves the toilet without flushing, if he/she does not let you finish speaking, if he/she constantly talks to himself/herself, there is probably a boundary problem.
Boundaries protect us against others in this life, keep us safe, show us how to say no and where to stand. No one learns the rules and limits of this world in the womb. Parents teach rules and limits. Children want to know what their parents expect from them, how much they can try the limits, and what will happen if they exceed the limits. Every child needs boundaries. Because the world with defined borders is always safe.
Children want to know that their parents are competent in this world. They learn within their own family that the outside world is safe.
Child-centered families… What is seen in child-centered families is this; The child is at the top, the mother and father are below him. The child controls the parents from above. In this family, what the parents say is very rare. Up to the brand of the car to be purchased. The 5-year-old child decides which school he will go to, what food he will eat and at what time he will sleep. She thinks that when she sets limits or creates rules, she won't love him. Since they cannot hurt their child, they postpone a healthy process for him.
Families without a rudder… Raising a free child is confused with raising a child who knows their limits. Every child needs guidance from parents. Think of a ship without a rudder; every person feels in danger on this ship. In a rudderless family, children feel in danger. No child can decide what time to go to bed. Parents are the ones who will teach this.
Families that do not know their limits… If you have a problem setting limits as an adult, you will find it difficult to set limits for your child. z. Entering the child's space, deciding where the things will go in his room, and collecting his belongings... There are parents who put their child in the place of their friend and tell their child in detail about their experiences with their spouse. It is a boundary problem to burden your child with responsibilities that he does not want to take on. Still sleeping in the same bed with your child after the age of two is a serious boundary violation. There are also those who continue their marriage for the sake of their children. Going through your room and tampering with your belongings without permission are common behaviors of parents with boundary problems. If you say that behaviors such as going to the toilet or taking a bath together are common in our family, you probably have a boundary problem in your family.
You should set boundaries because …
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It makes life more livable.
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Ensures the safety of the child.
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It enables the person to be in harmony with himself and his environment.
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It helps children control their impulses.
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Internal discipline develops.
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He learns to endure the natural consequences of his behavior.
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It increases communication skills.
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It makes uncertainties known.
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Social skills improve.
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A sense of responsibility develops.
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They easily adapt to the rules of social life.
Example Borderline Sentences:
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“Elif, five You need to go to bed within minutes. When I get back, I want you to turn off the TV and go put on your pajamas.”
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“It's time to turn off your tablet. Do you want to close it now or do you want the right to use it to be transferred to me tomorrow? If I close it, I will have the right to use it tomorrow.”
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“You can play with your toys as you wish in this room. In order for the game to continue, you need to do it without harming the toys or anyone.”
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To your child who does not want to dress up for school; “Do you want to go to school in your pajamas or dressed up?” If you wear pajamas, don't be afraid to just take them to school. He will want to change immediately at school.
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How do I set boundaries?
Don't overthink setting limits. First, check if there are boundaries you have previously set in your home. If you can't find anything, read the suggestions carefully;
Offer a choice. You've heard this a thousand times. It is known that children comply with the instructions more quickly when given options. “Do you want to wear this skirt or these pants today?” Offer options such as.
Speak in short and clear sentences. The shorter you use sentences and the clearer what you want, the easier it is for your child to understand that thing. Instead of long and reproachful sentences like "How many times have I told you to pick up your toys, you always do this, I'm so tired now", use clear sentences like "I want you to pick up your toys". If he still doesn't collect it, let him experience the natural consequences. He needs to know that his toys lying scattered on the floor of his room will be stepped on and broken, and there will be no compensation.
Say no without saying no. Using the word "no" too much when setting boundaries will cause a power struggle between you and your child. Especially if your child is around 2-3 years old, the right to say the word "no" belongs only to him/her. At least that's what he thinks. My suggestion to you is to say no without using the word no. Instead of “No, you can't go out,” say, “Can you help me instead of going out?” You can change its focus by saying.
Every house should have rules. If you want your child to learn his limits, you should first prepare a list of rules against the things you need most at home. For example; Going to bed at 09.00 in the evening (Do not use the word sleep too much. Because feeling sleepy is not a voluntary thing. Focus on your child going to bed. We cannot make him sleep!)
There should be fewer rules, more follow-through. Food Set the most basic rules for everyone, such as eating at the table and at 08:00. If you have a 3-4 year old child, the list of rules should not exceed 3 rules. You can add rules as you get older. what matters less rules and follow-up.
Create a fun rule table. Keep your rule list very colorful and full of visual materials. Create it together with all family members and hang it in the most visible place. Every child loves routines. Everyone at home should follow the rules, and those who break the rules should remember the rule on the table again. Another option is to hold a family meeting immediately and discuss the rules.
Agree on common attitudes. After creating rules, it is very important that parents have the same attitude in following them. If the mother tells him to go to bed at 09.00 and the father tells him to watch TV a little more, all your efforts will be in vain. When children see that their parents have the same attitude, they are less likely to engage in power struggles.
Be a model for your child. If he sees that you do not obey a rule of the house; "So the rules can be violated," you say, and you can start over again. For example, eating your meal in front of the television.
Speak with a determined voice. If your child does not follow the set rules, repeat the rule in a calm voice. While doing this, remember to be on the same level with him and maintain eye contact. Do not beg or use request words when asking him to do the rule. Without shouting, the decision was made in the tone of voice “…. "I'm waiting for you to do it," you can say.
Make him experience the consequences of his behavior. If your child insists on a behavior, for example, you are going to the shopping mall and he is not wearing his coat or his shoes, you will ask him to make a decision at that time. “Do you want to wear your shoes or would you rather stay at home?” The consequence of not wearing your coat or shoes is staying at home.
Encourage instead of praise or criticism. Praise and criticism are given to the child for encouraging behavior. Praise and criticism are very risky. Discuss your child's behavior. You already love and value him. Encourage your children's efforts. This gives your child great encouragement to continue the same behavior. Setting effective boundaries does not mean that there are strict rules and punishments.
You just set your expectations clearly, be consistent and behave. You are following the work. Now you are at the helm, steering your ship while your child enjoys having fun on deck. Have a safe trip…
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