At the end of the love story, the man and the woman are rewarded for all the troubles they have endured and finally they are together in the expected ending. So what happens next? It is generally unknown, but it appears as painful experiences in real life. There are two important points where relationships fail: neglect and occupation... The source of the issue goes back to childhood traumas. Let's take a closer look at these two concepts...
Neglect in a relationship
If one of the parties feels that they are not seen enough, not loved or understood enough, it means that there is a smell of neglect. Is there really negligence or is this how the person experiences the relationship in their own inner world? This is another dimension of the matter. When we examine the childhood of the party who feels neglected and their relationship with their parents, it is very likely that we will encounter another version of the same scenario. If we were to define trauma here, we could say "having to experience an emotion without being ready and not being able to react to this situation". The problem is that if a person has a trauma such as neglect in childhood, this trauma becomes a compulsion to re-realize itself in adult life, because this time the person reacts that he could not give in the past and takes an unconscious action such as healing and repairing himself. When we say trauma, we don't have to think of big things; sometimes, the fact that no one is there at the time of need can create trauma for the person. It is very important how the person who thinks that he has been neglected in the relationship reflects this to his partner, because generally, due to the compulsion to repeat the trauma, the person with a history of neglect tends to enter into a relationship with someone who will neglect them just like their parents. This is where the other party's past life comes into play. If the party who thinks that they are being neglected takes a clingy and persistent counter action, which is very likely to happen, then let's take a look at what the other party does:
Occupation in the Relationship
Towards the age of 2, the baby wants to leave the caregiver and explore the surroundings. Exploration is very important for the baby. He must explore the outside and know what the world he will live in is like. The parent, who perceives this request and desire as separation from himself, prevents the child from going anywhere. If the baby grabs his back and pulls him when he tries to take action and undermines his desire to separate and explore, and finds his parent following him, in front of him, behind him wherever he goes, this is called 'occupation'. Although occupation often seems like something the parent does with good intentions to protect, there is a psychological damage behind it that can lead to trauma. Every time the baby attempts to separate from the parent, he or she is subjected to emotional violence as if he or she is betraying. At this point, he will give up either on the outside world or on his parents. Since he is not equipped to give up his mother and father, he is forced to give up his freedom and himself. When this baby grows up and moves on to adult life, he looks for a partner who will make him relive this trauma. Of course, this is an unconscious search. Who do you think will face him? Our other hero, whose neglected heart is wounded...
This is where the painful dance of neglect and occupation begins. This dance is performed right in the middle of hell. Neither side understands what is happening. Deep pains have come to light and traumas have become active. The neglected person clings to the other party with all his might in order to get the love he wants. This situation causes the other party to react by moving away and protecting themselves because it triggers the invasion they experienced in infancy. The vicious cycle begins right here, the neglected sticks, the occupied runs away. In this case, both parties feel that they are not loved, not understood, and worthless. However, both parties have a common problem: resolving past trauma, healing the wound... In this vicious circle where the intensity of emotions is very high, couples do not know what to do and cannot make sense of the situation. It is possible to go to a couples therapist as soon as possible to resolve the situation and heal the wounds suffered by the relationship and the partners.
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