Although it may not seem like it, the parent-child relationship is one of the most important relationships for children in adolescence. When the problems in adolescence are delved deeper into, it becomes evident that a lack of communication and/or conflict with the parents is an important factor at the root.
Adolescence is a period in which a child goes through rapid physical, mental, and neurological changes, and this rapid transition It is a period that leaves clear traces in the child's psychosocial development, character formation and relationships. During adolescence, the relationship between the parent and the adolescent, who feels that he has grown up and tries to be like adults, loses its hierarchical dimension and gains a more equal, more interconnected and reciprocal dimension. This change, of course, brings about a temporary deterioration in the relationship between the adolescent and his parents and an increase in conflicts. Because while the parent is trying to protect his own position, the adolescent is trying to be a subject whose opinions are valued and who has a specific existence. It can be challenging for families, especially with their first child, to deal with the situation of their children, whom they have always seen as young and who refuse to obey their parents.
According to experts, this struggle of adolescents to be independent from their parents and to become an individual on their own is during adolescence. It occurs as a result of hormonal changes that come with pregnancy and causes conflicts with the parents. According to expectancy-value theory, the source of these conflicts is the mismatch between the mutual expectations of adolescents and their parents in terms of authority, autonomy and responsibility; Since the need to be independent and the effort to get out of family control in adolescents develop faster than the ability to take responsibility and regulate themselves, families are worried about giving their children the autonomy they want.
Pickhardt (2009) describes this process in three stages: Separation, Differentiation and Don't be a contrarian. The adolescent in the separation period slowly withdraws from the family and attempts to create his own independent social environment. Instead of spending as much time with his family as he used to, he turns to his friends. He refuses to share all his private information with his family to protect his privacy. This is where the first conflicts arise.
In the differentiation stage, the person becomes oneself. He looks for the profile he wants and tries to take on the characteristics of the people he sees as ideal around him. He tries to dress like his friends, listen to the music they listen to, talk and act like them, thus trying to be one of them and also be himself. In this effort, the adolescent may move further away from the family's norms. For example, while he liked to dress colorfully when he was little, he may start wearing only black clothes during this period and therefore attract the reaction of his family. More dangerously, during this period, adolescents may be tempted to try bad habits in order not to be pushed out of the group.
In the final stage, opposition, the adolescent struggles with the parent's authority in both active and passive ways; In this way, he will establish his self as an independent person who can make his own decisions. Therefore, this is the period when the most conflict occurs, the parent's demands are rejected, their wishes are postponed or their rules are violated.
In these conflicts, if your goal as a parent is to gain control over your child, it can be said that you have already lost. Decision-making for your teenager is completely under his control, and getting into a war over it may push him to show who has the power and engage in risky behavior. In addition to a power conflict, parents may also lose the chance to understand their children and establish a relationship.
Instead, looking at the conflicting issue from their perspective and explaining your concerns to your child clearly and directly will help both parties understand the other person better and have a better understanding. It will make you feel. Moreover, the adolescent who sees that the problems are talkable and that his parent is making an effort to understand him will try to talk instead of conflict when he has a different problem, and the relationship between the adolescent and the parent will be strengthened with a sense of mutual trust. For the adolescent who is trying to become an individual, communicating through active listening, empathy and explanation will be much more effective than trying to discipline with rules, threats and punishments, as these show that you respect his/her self. Even if you do not approve of his behavior, if you show your discomfort in the first way, you will not only not harm his personality, but he will abandon this behavior. The probability of it will be much higher. In family and couple therapy, therapists aim to gain understanding between parents and their children through effective communication.
The type of parenting practiced by families also plays an important role in the source of conflict between adolescents and their parents. For example, authoritarian parents demand that their rules be followed without question, and the goal of their conflicts is to gain control. On the other hand, cooperative-democratic parents do not neglect to show love and respect their children's feelings and thoughts while applying rules to their children. Of course, the type of parenting most supported by experts is democratic.
Experts also advise families to avoid blaming. Aside from not solving the problem, blaming may cause the adolescent who tends to leave the family to completely break away from the family. The prerequisite for resolving the conflict is to accept that this conflict does not occur one-sidedly.
The following methods seem to be the most effective in resolving conflicts between adolescents and their parents:
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Depending on the subject, its Approaching to understand him/her, not to dominate him/her,
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Looking at the conflicting issue from his/her perspective and showing that you care about his/her feelings by empathizing with him/her,
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Separating the two situations by emphasizing that just because you do not agree with him/her does not mean that you do not love him/her,
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Avoiding being judgmental,
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Making rules, but making sure the rules are more important than your child. Reflecting to him that it is not important.
As a result, the biggest role in the conflict between adolescents and their parents falls on their more mature families. When parents begin to see their children as individuals and make an effort to understand them, their conflicts will be resolved much faster and in a healthier way.
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