As many parents know and many studies have shown, child love is a special feeling that cannot be compared to any other love. In order to experience this feeling, many people become parents by giving birth to a child or by adopting a child due to their special circumstances. Raising children is difficult in many ways. While raising their children from the very first moment, every parent strives to love, adopt and protect them with their positive and negative characteristics, healthy and unhealthy aspects, easy and difficult aspects.
Adoptive parents also face different problems. They make an effort to cope. Perhaps the most important of these problems is deciding whether or not to tell your child that he or she is adopted, and determining when and how you should tell him. These are not easy questions for any parent to answer.
The first time your child, whom you adopted as a baby, comes home. What you feel and the responsibilities you assume at the moment are not very different from what you experience and think when your newborn baby comes home for the first time. If your child is a baby, there will be no problem for him/her in the adaptation and adaptation process.
For older children such as 2-3 years old, different factors may make the process a little difficult. However, your child at this age is more likely to quickly adopt and love you. Of course, your child may have difficulty adapting and reject you, distrust you, or test you. In difficult adaptation processes like this, your attitudes shape your child's adaptation, your relationship with your child, your child's mental health and behavior. Therefore, this process must be completed with the support of an expert.
The child must be told that he/she is adopted. It is important that you convey this information to your child at the appropriate time so that your relationship is built on trust and love. Unfortunately, if you do not share this information, there will always be a possibility of learning this information in an unexpected way. This situation would be trust-shattering and destructive for the child.
When it comes to when this information should not be shared with the child, there is a definite time that we can call this age. There is no i. In other words, this will vary depending on a variety of factors about you and your child. However, the earlier your child receives this information, the easier and more comfortable it will be for him to adopt it.
Children first begin to question themselves around the age of 3. "Did I come out of your belly?" What was I doing there? Was I in your blood? How did I become? etc. Children accept many answers they receive at this age without question. Because the child neither has any knowledge or perception of how it is formed, nor does it have the mental and emotional development level to perceive the concept of being adopted. He will perceive your answer as an ordinary explanation to the question he asks, and will adopt it as a natural aspect and part of his life.
This answer should be short and understandable.
An explanation can be made as follows: “ We really wanted to have a child. Then we went to a place (child welfare institution, hospital, etc.) where there were beautiful/cute/cute children like you. When you saw us, you smiled at us and hugged us. We also wanted to be your parents. “We wanted to live together and we all came home together.” During this sharing, it is important to use a tone of voice and show facial expressions that will make you feel that a pleasant, natural/normal topic is being discussed. You should explain in the same way and content every time your child asks about this issue.
It is appropriate for your child's age to ask this issue frequently. Because children often like to hear the things they love and the explanations about themselves. In addition, this way, they confirm the accuracy of the information they have learned.
Sharing with your child that he/she is adopted after the age of 6 may be a little more challenging. Because they may be more questioning or reactive (denial/disbelief). The way to minimize or prevent reactivity is for your child to know and understand that nothing will change in his life and in his relationship with you, and that he will not lose anything. This will depend on your handling and approach to the subject. The concept of adoption should be explained within the framework of the explanation given above. Afterwards, patiently and comfortably answer various questions your child may ask about the subject from time to time. Your explanation will make it easier for him to understand the subject in a healthy way and move on with his life. The more calmly and comfortably you explain this issue, the more relaxed and calm your child will respond to it. Because children understand and comprehend the world, events and situations from the perspective of the people they grow up with.
Remember that regardless of the age of your child, your approach to him and your patient and determined attitude towards embracing him are important. Because, being a mother and father of a child means being parents who have him/her willingly, love him/her unconditionally, adopt him/her and raise him/her. And children notice this very well. For this reason, disclosing that you are adopted is not as difficult or traumatic as you might think for your children.
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