Anxious Attachment
“In relation to your partner,
The first time, whenever I called, she would pick up immediately. Now it gets busy sometimes. Did he turn away from me?
He got a job offer in a different city. Will he stop loving me now that we won't be able to see each other often?
Lately, he hasn't been saying that he loves me as often as he used to. Bad things happen to me. What if he no longer loves me as much as he used to? Etc. If thoughts often cross your mind, let's get to know anxious attachment together.”
The roots of attachment are deep and go back to childhood. The situation that determines the attachment style is the relationship that the baby establishes with the caregiver. According to John Bowlby, Attachment can occur in 3 ways. These can be listed as secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment type.
In order to better understand attachment types, three different responses to an example can be started. Our baby is alone in the room for a moment. As with any child separated from their caregiver, it may be a normal reaction to worry and cry. However, while the securely attached infant terminates the response when the parent returns, the anxiously attached infant will continue to respond with the same or more intense intensity. The avoidant baby, on the other hand, may adopt an attitude such as pushing the parent and not wanting it.
The child with an anxious attachment is insecure towards the caregiver and his anxiety can be observed from the outside. He usually does not want to cut physical contact with him. It is sticky. It is very difficult to cope with negative emotions and although comfort is desired, the success rate is very low. Interacting with strangers is scary for them. Generally, the relationship with their peers can be evaluated as weak or superficial. Often, inconsistent parental attitudes, negligent behaviors regarding the child's wishes and needs, reflection of the caregiver's own needs on the child, or some learned behavior patterns may lie on the basis of this attachment style. also long into adulthood. The relationship we form with our caregivers in childhood is reflected in the romantic relationships we form in adulthood. Anxiously attached people are also in relationships � They are insecure as in childhood. They have intense anxiety that they will be abandoned by their partner. Romantic relationships often have no boundaries or find it difficult to set boundaries. They often want to reassure themselves with skin-to-skin contact. They want to establish a serious intimacy, but they have just as much difficulty in trusting. Being alone is the most frightening situation in the world for them, and this fear can make them feel helpless. In fact, they think over and over and look for things that seem small and unimportant. They are often low in self-worth and therefore often receive confirmation from their partner that they are good enough, cared for, and loved. He repeatedly demands feedback and reassurance about his partner's love and desire for him. One must present his love to him with evidence. The evidence presented, the dose of care and love assurance, will never be enough to ensure one's confidence and certainty. Anxiously attached individuals have an overly emotional nature and their moods are generally pessimistic. The anxieties he has make it difficult for the individual to establish a balance in his mood. The person has difficulty in managing their emotions and reacts severely when they think of any threat situation. Afterwards, the cycle continues with apologies, self-forgiveness and seeking reassurance in relation to his intense fear. In summary, the basic motto of the anxiously attached person is love and commitment. The biggest underlying fear is insecurity, doubt. Romantic relationships are both their saviors and their worst enemies.
Anxiously attached people often pair with avoidant people in their partner choices. This situation often coincides with the phrase “the one who flees is chased”. Anxious person chases. He adores chasing. For him, the relationship is won by struggle. He should be fighting in this situation. Anxious people may have a more balanced relationship with securely attached people. But this goes against their warrior role. For this reason, he often mates with avoidant people, embracing the familiar anxiety and keeping love tied to struggle. They are often tested by loneliness as they fear.
So, what precautions can be taken? One must first recognize the way of attachment. Even if it is difficult, your own needs It should identify its e-requests and establish parallel boundaries. Recognize and stay away from avoidant people and turn to people with secure attachment. They should develop functional coping strategies in the face of their anxiety and stop insisting on dysfunctional ones. They should express their concerns, share and seek support. They should prefer effective communication instead of responsiveness and use communication as a tool in solving existing problems. One must first raise awareness. For this situation, she can apply for therapy support when necessary.
Expert.Psk Damla KANKAYA SÜNTEROĞLU
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