Nowadays, many people complain that their partners or the people they are in a relationship with are narcissists. So who really are these people we define as "narcissists" and are they really narcissists?
Narcissism or self-love, worshiping oneself, roughly speaking, falling in love with oneself. It is a term defined as . Paul-Claude Racamier defines individuals with narcissism characteristics as people who protect themselves from internal conflicts by making themselves valuable against a manipulated object.
The narcissistic personality, defined by Christopher Lasch (1979) as the characteristic feature of our age, actually strives to attract attention. He is lonely and easily angered. They are people who do not pay due attention to the interests and wishes of others and lack empathy. In other words, they cannot put themselves in other people's shoes and understand what they feel.
Most of us know the legend of Narcissus. Narcissus' beauty is exceptional. He arouses desire and love in many young people, but does not respond to the love of any of them. Thereupon, someone whom Narcissus despises exclaims: "Let him love too and never possess the object of his love!" One day, Narcissus comes to a source of pure and clean water to quench his thirst. While drinking water, he falls in love with his own image, which he sees in the waves of the water, and becomes passionate about a disembodied dream. According to one narration, one day, while watching himself in the water, he fell into the water and drowned, and his body was never found. According to another narration, he slowly melted and disappeared because he could never have the object of love, which was himself.
Narcissism is a part of psychoanalysis that has developed over the last decades. Sigmund Freud explained Narcissism as 'The directing of the libido (sexual energy) isolated from the outside world to the ego (I).' Early narcissism is indispensable in the development of the baby. The baby is seen in his mother's look, words and feelings towards her. He sees her love in her approach.Primary narcissism occurs when the baby sees his mother as someone who devotes her life to him and himself as the focus of the world. For example, when a child is hungry, he finds his mother's breast next to him and thus imagines that he gets every object he wants immediately, and identifies with what the mother gives him. Libido hen The baby is not directed towards the outside world; the only reality for the baby is itself. As the baby grows, he begins to become aware of the outside world; There is a distinction between self and other. As he gradually understands the outside world and learns its rules, his libido begins to be channeled to other objects. Even though a person finds an object for his libido, relatively narcissistic features remain in his personality, and this is called secondary narcissism. In cases where this development encounters difficulties, the child feels that he is powerless to attract his mother's attention and a depressive area occurs, feeling an emptiness in his sense of existence. If normal narcissism has not developed, it will develop "negatively" and this point will constitute pathological narcissism. This is how psychoanalysis explains narcissism. When we look at it from a psychoanalysis perspective, we can say that Narcissus is looking for in the water what he cannot find in his mother's eyes. Nowadays, this situation is embodied in the form of a person searching for a mirror.
According to ego psychology, two things underlie the development of a safe and integrated self: The first of these is holding a mirror; is understanding and acceptance. Parents who are sensitive and able to deeply appreciate their child's feelings validate the child's inner experience. The second key point is that they present models of idealisation. "A child who believes that my mother (or father) is a wonderful person and I am a part of her will have a strong self-esteem. According to Kohut, every child has exaggerated fantasies about their parents. As the child grows, these illusions are reviewed and integrated with the mature personality." Apart from this, in the event of a trauma, the self remains at its most primitive. The exaggerated self does not change, and the result is a narcissistic personality.
Life is really difficult for the partners of people who can actually be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. While others find them "perfect", their partner suffers and He discovers the reverse side of the coin. The situation is much different for the partners of these people, who present themselves well enough to be described as the "ideal spouse" when viewed from the outside.
We can state that there are three stages of entering into a relationship with a narcissistic person:
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1. Seduction Phase: In this phase, the person seduces the other person by showing the best aspects of himself/herself. attracts the person's attention. While this is a feature seen in the initial phase of almost every relationship, it is the purpose that distinguishes pathology from others; The aim here is to present a false image rather than to make oneself look good. He acts in a way that makes the other person feel loved, engaged with, and worthy of him, and determines the relationship in this way.
2. Invasion Phase: It can be defined as the possession and occupation phase. The person becomes "indispensable" for his/her partner, sometimes financially and often emotionally. The most commonly used method to do this is criticism. It may be in a way that causes the other person to doubt their abilities and worth, or it may be to distance the person from some of their relatives. It makes the partner dependent on itself by trying to deprive it.
3. Destruction Phase:In this phase, the individual showing narcissistic characteristics begins to reveal the negative aspects of his personality. As a result of frequent criticism, a person begins to doubt himself and believe that he is worthless. As a result, one of the individual's most valuable resources can be injured: the self-esteem that everyone needs to live and thrive.
The relationship does not always have to go in this same order. From time to time, it is seen that it is fed by tides between these three cycles and periods.
So what should you do if you think you encounter such a situation? First of all, I think it is useful to be cautious about people with certain behaviors. Some of these behaviors are as follows: If it seems too good to be true from the very beginning and you feel an indescribable discomfort, if you have the slightest doubt about what he says, if you are worried that he might lie, if he remains vague about his professional experiences, if he praises himself without providing any tangible evidence about what he claims. .. Although it may seem like paranoia to stay away from anyone who does these things, we can actually see it as an effort to avoid a relationship that could harm one's self.
Self-esteem and belief in oneself and one's capabilities are a part of our personality that should exist in every person. It is one of the basic building blocks. It has been expressed before in individuals who are in relationships with this type of people. Although it does not disappear completely as it was intended, it begins to wear out and get damaged. Of course, there is a way to regain this self-respect. The therapist will help the injured person look within himself for what has been repressed. Because it has not disappeared completely, no matter how much the partner tries to destroy it, he cannot access the most intimate layers, but the therapist can...
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