THE BIGGEST GOODNESS WE CAN DO TO OUR LOVED ONES IS SAY NO TO THEM!
Sometimes you do things you don't want to because you love someone so much. Sometimes we say yes when the other party says "He will be hurt". This is of course natural from time to time and may be according to the needs of the relationships. In fact, such arrangements are something we want from time to time. However, if you constantly accept the things you don't want, if you say yes even though you don't want it, this is harmful behavior for both your relationships and you. In order to love someone for a long time and maintain relations with the other party, one must first meet his own needs.
When we postpone our own wants and needs, we get tired and more importantly, we start to get angry. It is not possible for us to maintain relationships that consume and are constantly self-sacrificing for a long time. However, when we look at it, the responsibility of the other party is very small in relationships that require constant sacrifice. They simply want something from you. They can't know about your situation and what you want or don't want unless you tell them. We are the ones who should express our own wishes and thoughts to the other party and set boundaries. It is our responsibility to say no to things we do not want. When we learn to set boundaries and say no, we become aware of our own needs and become able to meet them. This increases our capacity to love. We are less tired now and life becomes easier.
Of course it's not always easy to say no, and some say "no" more difficult. In fact, these people are generally recognized as compatible people by their environment. There are some reasons for this.
WHY CAN'T WE SAY NO?
Boundaries are learned at a very early age. Especially from the age of 2, children begin to learn that they can say no and influence the environment with their decisions. However, sometimes mistakes made by the people around the child during this learning process cause the child to learn the boundaries incorrectly. Some of these misbehaviors are:
1. Excessive Boundary and Control
Extreme controlling and oppressiveness of family or those around us in childhood is not self-limiting. prevents them from determining their For this reason, children learn to say "okay" to avoid being mistreated without thinking about what we want or don't want. This causes people to live focused on the wishes of the other party in adulthood. The person shows continuous affirmation behavior without thinking.
2. The Desire to Be Loved and Accepted
Conditional love in childhood, constant rejection is one of the reasons that prevent learning to set healthy boundaries. "I don't like you if you misbehave. If you do your lessons, we play games. You didn't wear your coat, no game for you. Look, you cried, you upset your mother."
These words are sentences that show that love and care are conditional. People who have been exposed to these sentences too much cannot listen to their own wishes in adulthood. He is especially tolerant towards his loved ones. They think that if they oppose something, they will be rejected and unloved. This makes it difficult for them to say no.
3. Being Neglected for a Reason
Children understand how to care about their needs and feelings through reactions from their surroundings. However, if these reactions did not come for some reason, the child learns to not make a sound and to ignore his needs, if the environment he grew up in is complicated.
∙ Houses where there is conflict,
∙ Houses where there is someone else in need of care,
∙ Houses in mourning for lost death are examples of these.
In adulthood, these people cannot notice the situations that they are uncomfortable with, they do not want to cause problems, they think "don't lose our taste". However, saying no to someone, expressing discomfort, setting boundaries is not a problematic issue.
Setting boundaries enables us to own what we do, to accept or change our lives, to take action, to take responsibility. When there are no boundaries, people often feel incomplete and aimless, but they also do not understand what is missing. It's like living in the vacuum of outer space…
WHAT TO DO TO PROTECT INSIDE AND OUTSIDE?
7 WAYS TO PROTECT BORDERS
Meet borders while protecting them The biggest challenge is the person himself. When setting limits, the person most often questions whether he or she has the right to do so. The truth is that if you don't want to do something or if you want to change the way of behavior towards you, you ALWAYS have the right to state it, not to do it, ask for an explanation about what you don't want to do, or stop someone.
While doing this, you can use your own methods or the following ways:
1- First of all, I need to learn to use some sentences:
▪ Insist on my opinion. won't change
▪ I don't want to listen to you right now
▪ I don't think like you,
▪ Just because I say no to you doesn't mean I don't love you
▪ with the person I don't want to talk
▪ I don't want you to talk to me like that, etc.
2- Remind yourself frequently that saying no to someone is very important for both yourself and the other party. Boundaries are important to love and be loved!
3- Think long and hard about why you can't say no. If the fear of loss is the desire to avoid problems, try to change this. Because boundaries are not problems or reasons for abandonment.
4- First, explain to yourself why you are uncomfortable with the things you say no to, object to, or hinder. The more you know yourself. You can be that determined.
5- Setting boundaries also means taking responsibility. Keep in mind that your loved ones may get upset when you say no to something.
Your spouse may be really upset that you didn't go on a family visit with him. Talking about this also shows the value you give to your relationship and strengthens you. However, this does not mean that you have to give up on your decision. You can both talk about problems and protect your boundaries.
6- Respect others' boundaries as well.
Only we don't have borders. When we truly understand the importance of boundaries, we protect others. We also attach importance to their values.
7- While creating and protecting your borders, you must Get support from your loved ones.
Because we all need more love as we struggle. Let them support you, praise you, say you are doing great :)
It is not easy to do these things. Therefore, congratulate yourself for every day you progress calmly and without giving up. If you feel that you are struggling, it may be a good idea to seek support from an expert.
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