Marriage is seen as an agreement, a contract, between two adults. With the marriage, a new era began for both parties. This period brings new roles and status to men and women. Due to these acquired roles and statuses, new kinship ties have been formed that will directly affect the individual and married lives of the couples. This means having new relatives, especially new parents (father-in-law-mother-in-law), which requires healthy and good relationships for both men and women.
Kinship ties are established either through blood ties or marriage. Now, the role of bride has been added to the role of son for women, and the role of son-in-law has been added to the role of son for men. For mothers and fathers, the roles of mother-in-law and father-in-law have been added to the roles of motherhood and fatherhood.
If we compare the development of a newly established family to the birth and growth of a person, the first development that the newly established home and family must show is the ability to "become us". It is a priority for spouses to invest in their relationships in order to create a solid foundation for the stress and struggles of the coming years. The main basic tasks are for spouses to know each other better, to be able to compromise on different views and habits, and to be ready to develop a common lifestyle. In order for these to occur, couples need, first of all, to make time for each other. Only then can we talk about the importance of talking to each other, hearing each other, and establishing dialogue. Especially the time a man spares for his family and friends may sometimes not leave enough time for him to get to know his wife and strengthen their relationship ties. If marriage is a relationship-based process, and there is no doubt about it, relationship is also a feeling-based process. As long as you don't hear it, you will continue to have problems of not getting along with your spouse, your child, your parents, your friends. What is meant by hearing the other side? By hearing we mean feeling. It means being aware of the other party's emotions, but most importantly, your own emotions. No matter who the human being is, no matter how old he is, he does not care about what is seen through words and actions, and the person he is in a relationship with. He is interested in how people feel about him. He is interested in the other party's true thoughts about himself and his deepest feelings, which he is afraid to tell even to himself. People are not interested in what is said, but in who said it, how it is said and what is meant; in short, they are interested in the "hidden content".
Marriage But With Whom?
I think one of the reasons why the relationship between newlyweds in our society does not have a solid foundation is that one or both spouses are still "married" to their previous families. For this reason, there are not a few couples who drift away from each other at the slightest disagreement, like ships taking shelter in their own harbours. In some cases, the inability to break away from most of the family elders or the habit of controlling the environment and holding power makes it difficult for young people to establish a relationship in their marriages. In this regard, it is possible to give examples mostly from mothers of men. In families where protective-interventionist parental roles are more dominant, mothers establish a dependency relationship with their children instead of a relationship of attachment with their children, and when their children leave home and get married, they cannot say goodbye to their children or break up.
Commitment and addiction are very different concepts that are often confused with each other. In commitment there are two people contributing to the relationship voluntarily, in addiction it is obligation. In a relationship, one is stronger and the other is weaker. In addiction there is neediness, in attachment there is free choice. While in commitment there is a uniqueness of the bilateral relationship, in addiction there is unity and the sameness, and the absence of one in the other. That's why the man's mother cannot hand over her child with peace of mind to the new woman, that is, her husband. The independence of her son's marriage and the strengthening of his relationship and bond with his wife may mean the loss of authority and power for the mother. A struggle for power and ownership begins. That's why personality boundaries cannot be clearly drawn, everyone is in everyone's time and space. This exploitation of "personal boundaries", done with good intentions and in the name of sincerity, undermines the strengthening of marriages between two people. The most sensitive task here falls on the man to defend. The best thing to do is to be able to talk to each other before getting into trouble and to avoid attitudes that could wear out the marriage, no matter whose family they come from. For this reason, although family elders and friends constitute an important support system for both the individual and the newly established family, it is important for spouses to spend the most time listening and understanding each other in the first years. Without trust, different opinions and needs cannot be heard, and common opinions and decisions necessary for the marriage to continue cannot be formed. In my opinion, the first test of the marriage relationship is whether the trust between the spouses can be established or not. Failure to establish trust between spouses delays the spouses' ability to be us.
What is the prerequisite for healthy marriages? If asked, we can say: "Spouses should be ready to take responsibility for a relationship and be free enough not to drown in that relationship."
Read: 0
