Although in vitro fertilization treatment seems to be a treatment consisting of medical interventions carried out by being checked by doctors in the clinic on certain days and subjected to certain analyzes and procedures, it actually operates within a process built on a very strong socio-cultural background. The patient, whose examination is completed in the clinic, either returns home or to work and continues his life where he left off. While being infertile and having medical obstacles to having a child already make her feel incomplete and insufficient, the approaches of the people around her fuel these feelings, causing her to become introverted over time and cause her family relationships to deteriorate.
Not long after 3-5 months after marriage. The questions begin:
When will you have children? When will I love grandchildren?
These sentences do not bother the child when he is not thinking, but when he starts to think and resorts to treatments and still cannot reach them, what meanings are attached to these sentences?
When will I love my grandchildren? This sentence of the mother-in-law is actually read by the daughter-in-law as follows... Will I never have a grandchild? Are you going to deprive me of this feeling! While they are already drowning in a feeling of inadequacy, this question will also become an element of pressure and stress for them. This question is actually the lightest one. Of course, there are also comments made in addition to the questions...
*If you didn't stress so much, it would happen naturally!
*If you weren't so overweight, you could get pregnant!
*For giving it a fuck. It doesn't work!
Can you imagine the answers you can get when you say these to a cancer patient!
Couples want to be understood most from their closest people, their families. They already feel so helpless on this path that the comments made by their family elders push them to be all alone. While the existence of the treatment created enough stress, the mother-in-law said on the phone, "Do you know that Ayşe is pregnant too!" doubles the burden on the shoulders and causes the feeling of being a mother to be pushed into the background and anxiety about meeting expectations to emerge intensely, perhaps indirectly affecting the treatment. It can even affect people negatively and cause them to become negative. Every word that comes out of your mouth is that important! I say mother-in-law because when clinical interviews are evaluated, we observe that the dialogues I mentioned generally occur between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law.
Actually, there are times when things are not talked about so openly. For example, by applying psychological pressure to visit a relative's newborn baby, just to avoid shame, a bride who just yesterday "learned that she cannot be a mother" may be forced to visit. Just to avoid shame, the loss she experienced is made to relive the next day... Knowingly or unknowingly...
There are also families who present not being a mother as if they cannot do something controllable, such as not being fertile, not being able to get pregnant. I wonder if they could tell someone with diabetes or heart disease that this is their incompetence!
So what should families do?
First of all, empathize, how would you feel if you experienced the same thing?
Cooperate with them, do not force them to go to family gatherings if they do not want
Ask what you need to do to support them during the treatment process
Hearing the news that their best friend, sister, or sister-in-law is pregnant makes them feel Tell him that you understand how painful it is for him.
If his wife cannot go to the doctor's check-ups, tell her that you can go with her. >
When you are crying or sad, say "I can see how sad you are, I am here if you want to share your feelings and thoughts" instead of "don't be sad, don't cry, you can try again".
If the treatment does not result in pregnancy, say "why didn't it happen, what will happen now?" Do not ask questions that the couple does not know the answer to.
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