'Marriage has no book!' said the man, who was obviously steeped in Anatolian lore. It was clear as day that he drank from the water of the river 'wisdom'. 'Marriage has no book; Because …'
Actually, ours is a story of separation. Ours; that is, that of us mortals. It is a story about leaving behind and trying to reunite with what is left behind.
This is the story of falling from heaven to earth and begins with falling into the womb from the spirit world. When the time comes, we leave the safe shelter of the womb behind. That magical time of being in the mother's arms and in the father's house, where our every wish is sensitive, comes. We are now the fruit of an age where we are surrounded by people who come when we cry, look at us when we laugh, and cannot take their faces off our faces. If we are unhappy, it is someone else's responsibility to make us happy, if we are sick, the burden is on someone else rather than us... If we are going to walk, there is someone who will hold our hands, if we are going to talk, there is someone who will listen and look at our face.
And all these looks, kisses, warm hugs, always make us feel like that '. It takes you to the womb and reminds you of it; to the mother's womb and to the mercy of the Creator, who is the Womb. However, this is a story of separation and we continue to 'separate'. Every separation only increases our longing for 'reunion'. Separation is necessary because; As Mevlana said, 'How will a child know the taste of kebab before he is weaned?'
Leaving the safe harbor, we meet many new beaches. We meet new people, we see new things, and we are renewed with every innovation. Everything we learn about life makes us grow a little more. Every time we grow up, we become a little more 'individual'. Every new thing we learn, taste and enjoy makes us a little more 'different' from other 'people'. Every difference means a little more separation, and every separation means a little more 'loneliness'.
This story is also the story of leaving the state of 'unity/integrity' behind. It is the story of a 'painful' state in which everything is 'one/whole and we are included in that whole, we are in it, we are born, we appear, we emerge', and we feel like we are 'disintegrating, dividing, disintegrating and disappearing'.
In short, we are separated, We separate, we become different, we hurt, and we always come together in 'unity'. we call. A love of unity, a search for unity, as the author says, 'it becomes a bird always singing in our hearts'. This quest embellishes our childhood games and becomes 'housekeeping'. The day turns, it grows and the stop of this love becomes 'marriage'.
Here! Marriage smiles at us as our paradise, which contains the scent of the land we came from, carries the hope of relieving the pain of separation for a moment, and promises us 'unity' and 'integrity'.
However, turning our marriage, which promises to be our paradise, into 'hell'. It wouldn't be difficult at all for us mortals. Each individual comes home with their own book, their own story. Everyone has their own 'home' that they insist on the other. Marriage is different in the husband's book, but completely different in the wife's book. This is a book that sometimes we inherit from our own parents and sometimes we pick up from those around us, with the words 'Women do this, do this, don't do that', 'Men don't interfere with this, they do these' etc. Things that contain our hopes, intentions and dreams about the future, tradition, generation and soul are written in this book. On the other hand, there are those who do not have any rules or regulations. Supposedly, books adorned with 'free, romantic/drama(tik)' dreams and considering their own selfish desires as the rule of marriage...
It is unlikely that marriage, which is an example, symbol and embodiment of our search for 'unity/integrity', will turn into a valley of hell. There are many ways. In fact, it is said that there are as many roads as there are married individuals. Far from 'uniting' in this valley, our existing integrity will be torn apart. Hearts fall apart, bodies fall apart, places fall apart. Research shows that divorced couples spend at least 6 months in separate rooms before deciding to separate. In other words, being in separate places physically can be a strong reason for us to 'separate'. Or as we separate, our spaces also separate. While there are so many differences, issues that concern the Ummah of Muhammad, such as the upbringing and education of children, are forgotten, the child's primary school, the 'home', is being dispersed, and our children are being dispersed. Research shows that the most effective vaccine that protects children against the threat of 'addiction' is 'strong familial relationships'. When we read the research results in reverse, we see that we are nesting our babies. The most important thing that distracts us from our lives and pushes us towards drug and technology addiction is family environments where places and hearts are separated and there is no conversation.
Another effective way to turn our heaven into hell is; 'I wonder if this man/woman is my ideal partner? Is he the right person? It's about thinking 'Is this my soulmate?' These thoughts are like mold that eats away at the love bond of marriage. However, in marriage, there is no 'right person, ideal man/woman, soul mate' waiting for us. We can only 'try to be the right person'. We do not have a soul mate waiting for us in the universe, and we can only try to reach the level of 'one soul in two bodies', so to speak, throughout marriage. Our soul mate does not wait for us, we can only unite our souls together. Another thought that eats away at marriage is thinking, 'What did you give/are giving to me/this marriage?' Because this thought brings us to the four dynamites that explode a relationship. These; Blame, Defend, Criticize and stonewall. Instead, thinking 'what have I added to this marriage?' can turn into a spell that strengthens the marriage bond.
How much this 'four' is used in a conversation even makes it possible to predict the duration of the couple's separation. In other words, when we are chatting with our husbands and wives, the more we blame, the more defensive we become, the more critical we speak, the more we build a wall between ourselves and our interlocutor, the more we become like a wall, our heaven has already become hell.
We came here by falling; it is true! We know that every separation is a wound and as the poet says, 'like a bone, it sinks no matter which way we turn.' In all this separation and loneliness, we have so many unmet needs. Our childhood and youth are actually the story of unmet wishes and desires. For this reason, 'our quarrels between husband and wife are often the reflection of our childhood cries into adulthood'. For this reason, we become a little childish in marriage. We expect our husband/wife to be someone who is sensitive to our every wish, consoling our every 'cry', and who will make us feel at the center of the world, just as they did in our childhood. We wait for someone to relieve our pain of loneliness and separation. But he is also a mortal. He too is surrounded by separations. It is. We forget this fact. It feels like we are being taken away from something that is our right. That's when we start making accusations and criticism, saying "what does it give me?" Our interlocutor answers these questions defensively, like a wall.
An unhappy marriage has as many features as there are marriages. Everyone has their own form of unhappiness. However, research shows that 'happy marriages have a certain number of common characteristics':
In marriages that carry a heavenly scent, husbands and wives have been able to separate from their parents and siblings without breaking their ties with them. This is knowing that they are a 'new family'. This is to make the 'New Family' clear, without getting caught up in the challenge of 'Nobody can interfere with us!', without falling into the vulgarity of 'We do everything ourselves', without hurting them.
Passengers returning to heaven, just as they protect the new family among other families. While learning to be 'we' on the path of unity/integrity, they also ensured that 'I' was protected. That is, not to lack individuality just because we are together. Although husband and wife act together on many issues, they can think differently when they deem necessary, make separate decisions and have very different environments. What a great need it is to be able to protect the 'I' while being 'we' and to be 'we' with 'I'.
In a happy marriage, which is an example of heaven, both parties can experience happiness in terms of sexuality, which is the most basic reason for marriage. , can meet your expectations. In addition, spouses are willing to meet each other's expectations. A marriage in which sexuality is neglected also prevents our desire to unite with the 'whole' from which we are separated. Animals 'mate', but don't people 'come together'?
There is a consensus among parents about our children, who are the joy of our eyes and add happiness to the happiness of a marriage. They have common dreams and are subject to common rules while raising them. Otherwise, a marriage in which the future of our children (all the way to heaven) is not taken into account and ignored will not provide happiness. Because happiness does not come alone.
Being able to support our spouse, whom we consider as our 'refik/a-friend' in his life journey, in difficulties is another feature of a happy marriage. .
Discussions! There are arguments in every marriage. A reflection of childhood crying comes and finds us in an argument. For this reason, just as it is possible to 'not cry' as a child, it is also possible to 'not argue' in marriage. However, happily married individuals do not allow anger to erupt in their arguments. They try to conclude their discussions in a positive way. Discussions are not destructive out of spite, but rather constructive. A conclusion is definitely reached about the discussions in these families and the issue is not left hanging.
An important issue seen in happily married couples is that they can 'laugh' together. If we can laugh together and achieve this, it gives us the ability to take this relationship to another horizon.
The burden of life may be heavy or we may get angry at our interlocutor and therefore become overwhelmed. Happy couples know how to comfort their partners. He does not remain indifferent to his wife's needs and manages to comfort her.
Another common characteristic of people who are happy in their marriages is to take care to keep alive the positive dreams about each other that existed at the beginning of the marriage. This is an effort to keep alive the positive things that existed in your heart and mind about your life partner in the first days. When we started to look at it as 'a piece of cake'; This means 'Get well soon!' When the lady of heaven in our eyes, that beautiful princess, sultan, starts to become 'the sloppy wife of the house, big nosed, arrogant', or that mountain of a man, charismatic, handsome young man goes and replaces her with 'a sloppy, useless man, like a refrigerator,' When it comes like a wall, it means we are rapidly moving away from our heaven.
Our marriages, which carry the hope of being the best supporter of our journey back to heaven, require hope, effort and growth. There is no book for this. Isn't it something that cannot be learned from someone else or taught to someone else?
'Marriage has no book! Because the book of marriage is written together and no two books are the same!'
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