Sometimes it tests my patience so much that I find myself yelling at my child!
I can't stop myself from yelling at him even though I know it's wrong!
Yes, nowadays, within the scope of conscious parenting, parents focus on everything from toilet training to sleep. There are many recommended books to read regarding education. It may not be easy to be a calm parent when you apply the opinions and suggestions of many experts and familiar people around you about how to communicate with the child.
''I also know that the child should not be hit or shouted at, but I can't! p>
French Psychotherapist Isabelle Fillozat, a mother of two children, describes this difficult situation in her own life as follows; "As a mother of two children, I have experienced great happiness, unconditional love and eternal peace. There were times when I felt extreme anger towards them and felt powerless and hopeless. I say with great shame that I had tendencies to humiliate them, to dominate them, to show them who "the one who has the say" was, I wanted to beat them, beat them up, leave everything alone. I experienced such excitement, tension, and nervous states that I could never have imagined that I would feel such things before their birth. Let's see..
Being a "good enough mother"..
There is no such concept as a Perfect Mother! There is the concept of a good enough mother. So what does this concept of a good enough mother mean?
A good enough mother means being able to take care of the baby's basic needs as soon as possible. For example; To calm the baby when he cries, to feed him when he is hungry, to calm him down when he is afraid. The baby was in a tremendous life cycle in the womb. The mother and nature provided the sound, heat and nutritional resources in full. The mother's womb was the safest place for her and the baby was born. A new life. A new life. Light, sound, doctors and you are in the hospital, baby!
The baby is dependent on its mother in every way from the moment it is born because if the mother does not feed it. the baby dies. His mother, who needs his safe haven, love, care and nourishment, on which he is solely dependent..
Now I have to ask this question..
Remember when your child was born, how fragile and in need he was, right? This little creature, which struggles to survive and can only express its needs by crying within the cycles of eating, ejaculating, exploring and sleeping, lacks the capacity to adapt to you. However, when the caregivers understand, interpret and meet the baby's needs, that is, when they can adapt to them, the baby develops in a healthy way. Ask yourself regularly: 'Is what I expect from my child realistic? Ask 'Is this small, delicate, miraculous creature ready to respond to my expectations and wishes?' While a negative event or conversation affects our entire day. Imagine that the child has no one from his parents. There is no other branch to hold on to. Mother and father... Unfortunately, the words that come out of our mouth do not go beyond the scope, they go inside us. If language is the communication that affects us the most, what is this intolerance when talking to our children?
Let's open a parenthesis called the Inclusive Function of the Mother.
The mother should embrace her child. The mother should embrace the child's anger, love and unhappiness. There is always good and bad in human beings. There is always good and bad inside the child. Everyone embraces what is good, but what about when it is bad? This is one of the most important questions in life for children and human beings. In fact, does he love me with my bad sides?
The bad must be thrown out, otherwise it will not happen, the bad cannot stay inside. Anger must be thrown out. When the child expresses his anger, the mother responds to the child's anger. Instead of responding with anger, the child's anger should be transformed and turned into good. Let's stage this..
The child came back from school and is crying in frustration.. "What happened again?" "What are you crying about?" "What did you do at school again?" .. "What?" "What upset you?" No one says, "You're right, I used to argue with my friends when I was at school, it's a difficult situation for you." .. "What do you want from your brother?" "Now let me hit you so you can understand what hitting is!" "I'm fed up with you!" "Go to your room quickly!"
Now stop being caught up in the child's anger around here. He couldn't even be appeased. The child was left alone with his loaded emotion. This feeling of not being able to calm down will come back unknowingly with many behavioral problems. The child will have difficulty controlling his anger and calming himself down because his mother could not be his inner voice and could not think and reenact that scene instead.
So, what could have resolved these events better?
The mother tells her child, "Go to your room." Instead of saying 'go!', he should hold his hand and go to his room with him. He should sit down and talk about this issue. On the one hand, telling you to go to your room, I can't calm you down, is leaving the child alone with the wall. Instead of his mother calming him down, the boy was left alone with the wall. Maybe his anger increased exponentially, maybe he became depressed. I'm crying, I feel sad and I called my friend. My friend said, "You're crying now, let's not talk, call me later when you calm down." "How would I feel?" Even as an adult, I can feel very worthless. It is a much more worthless feeling for this to be done to the child by the parents.
The mother will hold his hand and lead the child to the room, hand in hand.
''What is bothering you?.. I saw you hit your brother. .We used to be three people in this house, you and your father, and another one came without asking you, your brother.. Our interest in you may have decreased inevitably.. You may not want this child in this house, you may be angry with him.. I understand you, I had a brother too, one's brother It's a very difficult situation to be in. You may be angry at him... but no hitting... What do you think we can do instead of hitting?
The child thinks... "I don't know"
Well, the mother described the situation that the child was not aware of.. she told him the scene. ..she reflected her feelings to him..now it is her turn to look for a solution to this difficult situation..the mother should be the child's inner voice..
''Can we do this?...if I am nearby when your brother makes you angry, you can tell me..you can talk about this with your brother. .or you can draw big flames and drawings in your drawing book.. when you get very angry, you can go into your room and hit your pillow. What else can we do besides hitting? I wonder?
Let's take another scene;
''I see that you are very angry these days, you suddenly hit the table and then threw your baby against the wall. I wonder if this is because I couldn't spend enough time with you these days. Your anger?
The child thinks..
Your father could not play with you, were you angry with your father?
The mother will describe the scene in which the child was forced in this way and imagine it. The mother will dream that scene instead of the child. and they will find solutions together..
Going back to the beginning of the issue... if we cannot find the tolerance and strength to do these things in ourselves..
Before we react intensely to our child in order to cope with our own anger, we need to remember what we should do with our child's infancy. We can visualize how fragile she is, and a happy moment with her. This fills our brain with oxytocin and dopamine.
And it is useful to ask ourselves these questions..
What happened that this event touched me so much?
How did I feel? I am feeling? Unhappy, weak, fragile, helpless.. What else is there in my life that stresses me?
Is this crisis I'm experiencing with my child close to any situation I experienced in my childhood? What does this situation remind me of?
Could the wounded child inside me, of which I am unaware and unable to confront, be a reflection of my childhood that constantly wanders around me?
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