Jealousy is a normal emotion. We compete with each other and with our fellows. Women want to be liked by a man. It is normal. Men also want to be liked by a woman. This is also normal.
Sometimes, you have to beat other competitors to get the opposite sex to like you. Because our brain works by comparison. He wants to choose what he sees best. It's normal.
But sometimes the person may not be in a position to compete. Everyone matches with what they find close to them. We choose as a partner the person we see close to us in terms of economic status, cultural status, physical characteristics, intellectual capacity and even height. Society already tells this unconsciously:
For my height and my disposition...
Sometimes, a person may prefer someone higher than himself, if he somehow gets that person as a partner, this time to keep him. must surpass its rivals. In this case, jealousy arises. This is normal.
From what point is this a pathological thing?
It is normal for a person to experience this feeling of jealousy and make his partner feel it. For example, they may want to set some restrictions, they may have demands. It's normal so far. It is also normal for the partner to adapt or reject these demands. If the partner does not want to be attuned, one has to study his inner world. If he is forcing his partner to do it, if he is trying to manipulate it, it is a pathological thing.
In this case, the jealous and forcing partner should look at the childhood representations of these situations.
For example, there is a woman whose partner is jealous of her. If he thinks which features of that woman will attract his partner, it means that he has issues in childhood about those features. Let's say the woman is successful. She perceives herself as unsuccessful or less successful she means she. There are memories of failing, not being chosen, and feeling of worthlessness in childhood. These should work.
What kind of feelings are under jealousy?
Jealousy often stems from deep, unnoticed secondary emotions. It is written as jealousy, it is read as competition, skepticism, fear of losing, feeling of worthlessness.
Fear of Solitude
Let's say someone is uncomfortable with their partner seeing other people. S He doesn't even want him to meet with his social circle of friends. For example, she does not want to send her husband to a game with his friends. Here she can be perceived as someone who is jealous of her husband from everyone else. His deep feeling may be that he cannot be alone.
Or even if her partner says something positive about another woman, such as a colleague, she is uncomfortable. He's apparently jealous. But deep down, a good word said about the other woman is offended because it makes her feel inadequate, worthless.
People who don't have concerns about worthlessness, intolerance of loneliness, or abandonment are less jealous or not at all. But in real life, if her lover is really with someone else, only then does she get jealous. Normally, something like this doesn't even occur to him. If it comes to mind when there is nothing, it is a pathological thing.
Is a loving person jealous?
He may be jealous, but it is still related to the fear of abandonment. If you love, you'll form a real bond. If you have bonded, there is no need to be jealous. If it does, it's still about deep feelings.
Normal is that both men and women establish relationships by giving each other the right to go. If this happens, the parties feel free and are not afraid of losing, they can say that if they go, they should go. Otherwise, it clings to the other, suffocates, and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, the bored person looking for a place to escape. Or spiritually separated. They are divorced internally but married on paper. A home is like a hotel, there is no emotional contact.
Another factor affecting jealousy is monotony...
When the human brain comes into contact with a good or bad emotion, After a while, that feeling subsides and begins to lose its effect. Feelings such as liking, finding attractive, finding pleasant also begin to end when intensely experienced. When it's over, the person's brain goes into a search again. Jealousy manifests itself in this case as well. Deep down we all have polygamy. However, our cultural or religious codes limit us.
If the person is constantly updating and improving himself, if there are positive developments between his situation 6 months ago and today, his partner will always feel that he is constantly communicating with a different person. Because there is a difference between the man she met 6 months ago and the man today. there is r. You don't need to look for other people. Otherwise, it can be like this, one side develops itself and the other side does not. The non-developing party begins to envy the developer. The developer begins to dislike the other.
Another dimension related to jealousy is the projection defense mechanism…
Sometimes it goes like this; The developing party begins to dislike the non-developing party and there is a deep feeling of seeking someone else. However, this feeling is very difficult to accept and reflects on the partner. His partner has no visibly enviable behavior, but constantly resents him as skeptical; if you cheat on me…., look for sure you looked at others when you got there etc. way.
What causes jealousy in the social environment?
The reason for competition is to be chosen by the opposite sex. The male chooses the one with the best features in the female group. The same rule applies to men. The woman prefers the man who has superior features than the others. That's why the same sex always wants to be better than the other. Higher position, better appearance, more intellectual capacity, better body, better economic situation…. Everything is better.
What would happen if a good feature in the other man was in the other man? If so, the woman chooses it.
Not enjoying same sex is also related to this. There's something about him that's the same but I don't. and it's hard for me to get it in a short time. Then I start to see it badly. I am disturbed by seeing him. In this case, I can do two things:
Either I will continue to see it badly or I will copy the features I like in it and improve myself.
Which do you think is healthier?
How does it relate to childhood?
We learn from our first caregivers how to regulate emotions and feelings. Modelling. If the parents are competitive, and in this case they humiliate and criticize their opponent, I learn to do the same. But, if he is improving himself and turning this feeling into an opportunity, I will learn that too.
Another link is that parents divide children into good children and bad children. One of them is chosen, valued, superior, the other is incompetent, worthless, invisible. That's how they act. This is reflected in the relationship with the partner during adulthood. part ner plays the role of parents, while you play the role of an inadequate child, the other person your partner cares for becomes an adequate child.
Another connection is that if your parents have feelings of abandonment, worthlessness, and not being alone, and they do not come into contact with them. If he is not doing anything to solve them, he transfers them to the unconscious child. The child begins to feel such feelings for no reason, and he reflects it on his partner.
In some jealousies, the person tries to create it. While he is very worried that his wife or partner will go to someone else, he forces him to go to someone else. This situation has secondary gains. You see an excessive value socially, people feel sorry for you, there is financial and moral gain there.
In other words, such triangles were formed in childhood in the form of two women one man or two men one woman. While physically not cheating, mentally he may have two wives of the father or two husbands of the mother. For example, when the family friend comes home, the mother's attitudes change, she pays extra attention to her clothing, etc. In her mind, the mother is like a lover with that family friend, she likes him. While not physically cheating, he is mentally cheating. The child receives these feelings, realizes them. Then, this person repeats such trio.
In case of possible jealousy or cheating, she is usually perceived as the cheated victim. From a psychological point of view, only one party is not responsible. Both people have a childhood equivalent of this, and both are repeating something from their childhood.
To tolerate someone who treats you badly and gives you bad feelings is a disorder. The man is extremely jealous and exerts pressure, it is normal to tolerate this for a maximum of 6 months. To endure it all the time is a disorder. Suffering is associated with holiness in culture, but from a psychological point of view it is a problematic behavior. Maybe there are issues about feeding from pain and anger.
What is the solution?
What feelings would the person have if their partner went to someone else? It is important to discover the underlying emotions. The next thing to do is to find the equivalent of these feelings in childhood and work on those memories. For example, if the partner goes to someone else, they will feel ignored. Something about being ignored in early development it means it's happened.
What would that person be if their partner went to someone else? Or if he's already gone, what kind of person is this person? There is a triple relationship here; the person who goes to someone else, the person who stays, and the other person. Who are the childhood representations of these three people?
No relationship is one-sided and independent of one's childhood history. So is the relationship with the partner. There is an exchange of positive and negative emotions. Instead of blaming and focusing on the partner who went to someone else, the person may question what contribution he/she has made to this trend. The more negative emotions are given in relationships, the more positive the outside begins to be perceived.
Studying these connections enables healthy living in the next relationships. Otherwise, the person will constantly repeat the same relationship system. Because the mind repeats what it knows. The hell he knows is better than the heaven he doesn't know.
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