We adults always think that our children are too young to understand death. We always try to protect our child against the reality of death. In fact, children understand the reality of death much better than adults. They have different evaluations about death and life according to age groups. In order to help and understand children on this issue, we, as adults, need to deal with this issue ourselves and know that children perceive death differently in each age group. Child Psychiatry Specialist Dr. Hülya Bingöl explained the concept of death for children.
The first five years of age
Children's thoughts about death begin at a very early age. These thoughts have a great impact on the child's development, socialization and the development of religious feelings. In the early years, the child has knowledge about the concepts of living and non-living. He observes the death of plants and living things and tries to combine them with concepts such as sleep, separation, abandoning habits (such as a pacifier), and imperative need. Famous researcher Jean Piaget, the father of child development, conducted a series of studies to understand what children associate with life concepts. He examined the results in four phases. In the first stage (between 3rd and 6th years of age), all events considered as living are somehow active and necessary concepts. For example, a candle is alive when it burns and gives off light. In the second stage (6th year-8th year) life and vitality are defined only through movements. For example, the sea is not always wavy, therefore it is not always lively. In the third period (between the ages of 8 and 12), the child is evaluated as a living being that moves spontaneously. In the fourth period, the child evaluates only plants, animals and people as living things. For many children under the age of 5, death does not mean eternity. They consider death as a journey to return or a sleep to wake up from again. For children, having a parent go to work can be equivalent to death. Seeing death and separation as equivalent often leads to unbearable feelings of pain and sadness. Death is an important person for young children It is felt emotionally as separation from the inside. They have an extreme fear of being abandoned by their parents. This fear of loss begins at the age of 1 and continues until the age of 8. After a death in the family or in the environment, they become extremely fond of their parents and do not want to be alone. They are afraid that something will happen to their families when they are separated.
Children of this age have a very limited concept of time. He cannot accept that death is eternal and accepts it as a temporary situation. Children begin to perceive death approximately at the beginning of the age of four. They understand that death is something different, but it does not have an emotional dimension. Killing ants or grasshoppers and playing games with the dead are common in this age group.
The period after the age of 5
Realistic perception about death begins with primary school age. In this developmental age, the child tries to reconcile death with his emotions. That is, he can feel the situation and share his feelings of mourning. But despite this, they think that they are not affected by this. The concept that death can happen at any age has not yet developed. They personify death. Such as devil and angel figures. Social environment and religious belief also have an impact on this issue.
A 5-year-old child cannot accept that he did not exist before and will not exist in the future. Children of this age only have the concept of 'now'. At the age of 6, children become interested in what happens after death. On the one hand, he has certain thoughts about after death (such as, he will be put in a coffin when he dies, the dead cannot breathe, etc.). But there is not much emotional association with these thoughts. They accept and know that there are other causes of death other than old age, such as accidents and diseases. In this group of children, as a result of anger, they express death wishes towards their parents or siblings. Starting from the age of seven, the concept of time becomes richer and more diverse. Events and their time relationship are perceived better. Concepts related to death such as coffin, grave and funeral begin to attract a lot of attention. 8-year-old children now accept that everyone, including themselves, will die one day. From the age of 9, they accept death as a natural event. He accepts that death is valid for every living thing. When your pulse and heart stop, you die! In determinations such as
The understanding of death is different in children belonging to the middle and lower socioeconomic classes. They perceive death as the result of violence, accident and suicide.
Conception of death in adolescence
Emotional internal settings differ in each adolescent with their self-structure and psychological structure. Efforts to search for one's own identity question the concepts of the meaning of life and eternity. Problems of finding self and finding a new identity are often linked to fear and insecurity.
These feelings intensify with hormonal-physical development and increasing sexuality. As a result, suicidal fantasies emerge. Children and young people with terminal illnesses have a different understanding of death than their healthy peers. Adolescents generally do not like to talk about death.
Mourning in children and adolescents
The process of grieving after the death of children and adolescents, as well as adults, is the most psychologically difficult task. Grieving is an innate response of the soul and body to separation and loss. Grieving is not just about death. We have to say goodbye to something almost every day. For example, weaning a breast-fed child, finishing school, changing workplace, moving, transition from youth to old age, or adult children leaving home. All these events need to be digested and accepted. This can only be achieved by mourning.
Ways of mourning vary from person to person. It manifests itself in the form of shouting, calling, moaning, violence, irritability, feelings of guilt, stubbornness and hopelessness. The important thing here is to experience these emotions with awareness. During the mourning period, our body shows some reactions. Body aches, headaches, fatigue, loss of appetite and sleep disorders may accompany this process. More difficult periods await children during the mourning process: Their ability to verbally express their feelings and cognitively understand death is low. Children simultaneously lose the person they love and are deprived of their family's attention for a long time. Very few parents can respond to their children's fears, questions and feelings of guilt during the mourning period. However, children need a lot of attention during the mourning period. They feel sad. Thus, they can reapply this mourning experience at some point in their lives. It is very important to talk openly with children about the cause of death of the deceased. While doing this, it should always be emphasized that the cause of death has no connection with the child's behavior.
In which cases support should be needed;
*If the child who lost his/her mother or father is under 4 years old,
*Moving If this is the case, Deaths that occur after breast cancer are especially affected by girls,
Boys who lose their fathers in adolescence,
Children when they lose their siblings. Because parents are in their own mourning period, they cannot show the necessary attention to their other children.
When a person dies, the child should be able to share his pain and grief with those around him. In this case, it is necessary to communicate with children rather than isolating them. They feel safer. The consequences of this mourning period may be positive or negative in their future relationships.
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