The loss of a loved one and the grieving process is something that most people have difficulty talking about. Children, like adults, go through a mourning process when they lose a loved one. The meaning that children attach to loss varies depending on the age at which they experience the loss. The younger the child experiences loss, the more difficult it will be for him to make sense of death.
What are children's reactions to loss?
Children who lose their relatives may react differently to this event. Some children may cry when they hear the news, some may behave aggressively, and some may not react to this news at all. The child's reaction should be approached with understanding and the child should not be pressured to express his sadness in a different way. Many children may remain unresponsive when they first hear the news of death because they cannot understand exactly what happened.
-They may behave like babies. For example; They may start wetting the bed, sucking their thumbs, or talking like a baby.
-The child who receives the news of the death may begin to fear the death of himself or his parents, illness and accidents.
-One of the reactions of children to loss is sleep problems. They may react such as not wanting to go to bed, having difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently, and crying in their sleep. Especially explaining death to the child by comparing death to a long sleep may cause the child to be afraid of sleep.
-Children may react with anger when they lose a relative. Most of the time, they express their anger towards people close to them. -Children may become more introverted at this age and prefer to be alone.
-Some children may think that the loss is because of them and feel guilty.
-They can play games about death.
-They may cry for no reason.
What kind of explanation should be given to the child about the death?
To tell the child about the death, one should not wait too long after the loss. The news of the loss is something that the child is accustomed to and feels confident about. It should be given by someone he trusts, in a place he feels. Before giving the news of death to the child, say, “I have to tell you sad news,” etc. It would be appropriate to prepare it with one sentence.
When explaining death to the child, adults should give real and concrete information and use language appropriate to the child's age level. The word “death” should be used, instead “In a long sleep”, “Far away” etc. Explanations should not be made. Because this may create the idea in the child that the dead person will come back. It should be explained to the child that death means the end of life and that the deceased will not return. The child should not be given incorrect information about the cause of death. The adult who gives the news of the loss to the child should stay with the child for a while after making the explanation, listen to the child to check what he understands from what was said, and give him the opportunity to explain his feelings and thoughts and ask questions.
An important issue that should be added to the explanation given to children is that the death is not the child's fault. It should be explained to the child that the loss is not related to a behavior he or she did or did not do, a word or a thought.
Making religious explanations about death is not appropriate if the child has no prior knowledge on these matters. Such explanations may confuse the child even more. Before making a religious explanation to a child, it is necessary to make sure that the child knows the meaning of the religious terms used.
Even if the child has been given an appropriate explanation about the death, the child may still want to see the deceased. It should not be forgotten that the child needs time to understand the death.
Should children attend the funeral?
Funeral ceremonies help the child talk about the loss and concretize the situation. Most children try to make sense of death for themselves by playing games related to the funeral ceremony, drawing pictures, and explaining the ceremony to other people. However, if the child does not want to attend the funeral or is afraid of it, he/she should not be taken to the ceremony.
Things to consider to help the child in the mourning process
-First of all, the child should not be taken to the ceremony. Not delaying reporting the loss and communicating with the child regarding the death It is very important to speak honestly. It is necessary to answer the child's questions calmly and correct misunderstandings. It should be emphasized that this situation is not the child's fault.
-The child's daily routine at home and school should be continued as much as possible. A child experiencing loss may perceive the world as an unsafe place. Seeing that many things in his daily life have not changed will help the child feel safer. It is also necessary to inform their teachers about the loss.
-The child should be allowed to talk about death and funeral, play games and draw pictures.
-Children should be allowed to show their emotions. Parents should help children recognize their emotions. There is no need for parents to try to hide their own emotions to protect the child. Parents should talk about their own feelings about the loss and encourage the child to express his feelings. -It is normal for the child to be angry during this period. It is necessary to accept the child's anger, but to help him express it appropriately, without harming others. -Children should understand the need to see pictures of the deceased and talk about the events they experienced with him.
-Children who experience loss may experience some fears. The child should be talked to about his fears in an accepting manner. Parents should give the child the message that they will be there for him in the future.
-Baby-like reactions such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, and not being able to sleep alone usually occur periodically and decrease and disappear over time. For this reason, this type of behavior in the child should not be criticized.
-Being separated from their parents during this period may worry children. For this reason, they should not be left anywhere other than their own homes, even for a short time.
The severity and duration of the reactions of the child who has experienced loss are also very important. 2-3 months after the loss, fears, nightmares, sleep problems, hyperactivity, bedwetting, etc. may occur. If it continues, they should be directed to receive psychological support.
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