Children need communication from the moment they are born. Talking to them, understanding their inner world, and supporting the things that are challenging them are very important for their development. The child will decide what he is by looking at his parents. What he is told, what he can and cannot do, how he will feel and who he is are related to the actions and words of adults. Every family designs an ideal child in their own mind; Like "be good, be smart, understand what is said immediately, be brave". The over idealized child may be caught between himself and the wishes of the other. For this reason, it is necessary to evaluate children as real, not ideal.
Each child knows about emotions from the moment they are born, but internalizes how and what these emotions do with the transfer of caregivers in the earliest period. When children who are faced with the compulsions of the most primitive emotions in their infancy are not adequately covered, understood, and not cared for by the other, these primitive emotions reappear in every new experience they encounter throughout their lives, and they turn into behaviors such as aggression, resentment, ignoring, and ignoring as problem solving. Sometimes adults will need to look within to understand a child. What the adult "feels right now" is related to how the child "feels". The reactions of parents to the negative situations they face will be equivalent to the reactions of the children in their own lives because this is what they learn. He says that he wants to be understood most in his relationship with the other. Then other wishes and expectations come into play; to be appreciated, to be loved. These expectations actually reveal a connection between what a person can give and what he can receive. Relationship is like shopping and no one always gives a product on credit. Children are at the center of this shopping. What they give is what they get. If what is expected of a child is unrealistic, the motivation and tolerance of the parents will decrease at the same level; Like the expectation that he will understand me. However, no child has a responsibility to understand, but understanding children is the most necessary goal of parents.
A child can stay in many negative situations with the tension of his feelings and can show this with his behaviors. If children cannot cope with the feelings that are heavy for them in the environment they are in, they may actually be asking for help by showing it as "problematic behavior". However, in this case, what the parents understand is also very important; Instead of “it embarrasses me by doing this”, thinking that this is a strain for the child and saying “what does he need here, what is pushing him right now” will enable both parents to see the child and help him/her.
Acceptance Instead of Criticism
What a child needs most is acceptance by his caregiver. This state of acceptance will thus remove the child from being ideal and allow him to know his true self. In order to accept children, it is necessary to observe them very well and understand how they feel. For this, it is necessary to talk about the reflection language, which may or may not have just been heard.
The language of reflection is the most effective model of communication. It is a model that does not contain any judgment, but only serves to understand, listen empathetically and reflect emotions and behaviors. As the child is covered by this language, he/she will understand that he/she is loved, valued and accepted by his/her mother/father "whatever and whoever he is". Thus, the child will become stronger in the parent-child relationship. This language will also provide the child with self-control, self-confidence, stress control, reasoning ability, a sense of value, a space where his needs are visible, and awareness.
I'm Here, I Understand You
Children's most important world is their home. In this house, they are affected separately from the mother and father. The child who thinks that he is not understood by his caregivers in his own home cannot be sure that he will be understood anywhere in the world. For this reason, he copes with the situations that force him to find a place for himself in all the social environments he is in, with the methods he knows. If he is afraid of the monsters that will come out from under the bed at night and hears the sentence "he will be afraid and there is this", he will suppress the fear, but instead, many other emotions and behaviors will accompany it. In another situation, the children who get angry and angry are taken by their parents. When it is called “disrespectfully” because of anger, children who are angered, punished or forced to suppress anger will not be able to use this feeling in many parts of their lives because they will feel guilty with “being angry with someone is bad” and will be worried by being under the yoke of others.
The best way for every child to be understood by their parents is to reflect their feelings. Think of reflection like a mirror. When you feel bad, the face you see in the mirror is angry or sad. Your reflection in the mirror does not smile or turn its back on you when you feel this way. In fact, this language works in almost the same logic. In order to mirror children, it is important to watch them very well, to hear with one ear, to listen with the other, and to use an empathetic voice and facial expressions.
To a child crying because his toy is broken, the sentence "ok shut up, we'll buy a new one" doesn't help him in that difficult situation, on the contrary, it teaches him to pass it off randomly without solving his problems. However, being able to say "you are very sorry because your toy is broken" will help the child understand how sad he is. In addition, it will provide a more sincere, harmonious and real bond and relationship between the child and the mother / father. Secure attachment develops in a secure relationship environment and the child's primary person to receive this trust is his family.
Children gain more self-esteem as they discover the power within themselves. Children who have lost their own values may act extremely angry or shy. For this reason, it is important to express your feelings back, to support the work that the child is trying to do and to show that you are with him in order to understand and help the situation and need of the child.
“You are very determined to open the lid of this toy”
“you really enjoy playing this game”
“you are mad at me for yelling at you”
“you are talking about things in your room that scare you”
“you are upset because you think you can't do your painting well ”
As reflection strengthens the communication between the child and the family, children will learn to trust and to feel valued in every situation. So that in life they� When they experience anything challenging, they will be aware of the power within themselves and will be able to overcome those moments instead of having worse moments in the slightest difficulties. The child may be upset because a friend does not play with him, but instead of turning into a behavior such as wanting to spoil any game for him, being offended by his friend or wanting to make someone else feel bad by saying "I don't love you", the child will be able to make a healthier decision for this situation because his parents give him this power. will give; By saying, “I understand you, I see the difficulty you are going through and I am with you”. A child who can say "I'm sorry you didn't play with me" will make someone else realize this as well as he/she is aware of the situation and I think this is the best achievement in life for a child.
Where Can I Go?
Tears are here if not understood
Where can I go and cry?
If my soul can't take wings here
Where can I go and fly?
If I can't ask my questions here
Where can I look for a solution?
If feelings are not heard here
Where can I go and talk?
If you won't accept me as I am here
Where can I go and be myself? ?
Psychologist Gonca Cihan
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