Communicating is undoubtedly very important for the beginning and continuation of relationships. We can express ourselves by speaking and listening, understand and try to meet each other's needs.
The best way to understand a person is undoubtedly to evaluate him completely and see what he is going through deeper. Virginia Satir uses the expression iceberg when describing human beings. The iceberg reflects the visible and invisible parts of the human being. Accordingly, we can think that the visible part of a person has a very small percentage compared to the invisible part. For example, if the features we notice about someone when we look at them are 5%, we can say that there is a much larger part of the 95% that we have not noticed yet.
When we look at someone from the outside, the part we notice, that is, the tip of the iceberg, is that person's behavior. The person's facial expression, facial expressions, posture and the behaviors we can observe at that moment stand out. So, is the person only this visible part? Thinking that a person consists only of behaviors prevents us from understanding the person as a deep and meaningful whole. Trying to understand the invisible parts of the iceberg is very important to understand a person. Satir expresses this situation as "we must be deep water divers to understand humans." As we move further down the iceberg, we notice things other than behavior. We see people's emotions there. We can see that you are feeling joyful, sad, scared, anxious or angry. As we continue to dig deeper, we can see his feelings about emotions. We witness how he feels when he feels sad, angry or lonely. A little deeper, we can see what people expect from themselves, what they expect from others and the world, and what is expected from themselves. As we continue to go deeper into the iceberg, we become aware of human perceptions. Information about his thoughts about himself, his ideas about others, and how he perceives the world is here. At the bottom of the iceberg are man's aspirations and essence. This includes some universal needs that all people in the world want to meet, regardless of religion, language, race or gender. Love, respect, feeling safe, These are needs such as being accepted as they are, closeness, understanding and freedom. The person whose longings are met is connected to his essence and has high self-worth, while the self-worth of the person whose longings are not met is shaken.
While he is still a baby, he feels loved, safe, belonging, closeness, connection, acceptance, understanding. When all our needs are met, we are in a deep connection with life. Virginia Satir defines this situation as life energy. An individual who experiences life energy is in contact with himself and the world, his needs are met, and he has high self-worth. When we are in life energy, we do not feel the need to defend ourselves. Everything is good as it is. When our most basic needs are not met, we have to switch to survival energy. When our longings for love, closeness, feeling safe and many others are not met, our connection with ourselves and the world may be broken, we may feel worthless, and we may not be aware of our own and the other's needs.
At such times, we use some communication patterns that are not suitable for us. These patterns often emerge when we face a crisis and our self-worth is poor. We can also call these coping postures. Virginia Satir calls these four stances 'submissive, accusatory, super-logical, and irrelevant'. Each posture has negative effects and also gains in our lives. In times of defense, we use these patterns to protect ourselves.
1-Bottom Receiver
This coping stance is where we see the other as above and do not realize our own needs and expectations. It is a stance in which we focus only on pleasing the other person. A person who adopts a submissive stance thinks that he or she is worthless. He tries to win the favor of his interlocutor, to be approved and accepted. No matter what is said to him, he finds all criticism justified, avoids expressing his own opinions, and apologizes frequently. The person who uses this communication pattern is like a person who desperately begs the person he is communicating with, ignores his own feelings and needs, sees the other person as above himself and only cares about him. from below A person who adopts a receptive stance protects himself from problems by behaving in this way in times of crisis, on the other hand, he may end up being the person who always meets the expectations of others by ignoring his own needs. In the long run, his most basic longings will not be met.
2-Accusative
This coping stance is a stance in which we do not care about each other and only take care of our own needs. A person who takes an accusatory stance puts the blame on others and avoids responsibility instead of finding a solution. He adopts commanding, judging and controlling attitudes. Feels intense feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and loneliness. You may see the person using this communication pattern being sullen, shouting, and insulting. While he is trying to say that he is the boss of this place with his behavior and actions, he may feel alone and inadequate in his own world. A person who adopts an accusatory stance gets what he wants without needing to change. On the other hand, he may often be alone because he is feared, and he may not be able to find functional solutions to problems because he does not take responsibility for his actions. He cannot meet his longings in the long run.
3-Super Logical
This coping stance is a stance in which we do not realize the needs and expectations of both ourselves and the other person. The person who adopts this stance avoids emotional topics and makes logical, long-explanatory speeches. His expression of emotion is low, his voice seems lifeless and cold-blooded. While the person using this communication pattern may seem calm and in control of everything from the outside, they may feel fragile or lonely in their inner world. A person who adopts a super-logical stance behaves in this way when he is in a defensive state, being planned and solution-oriented, but on the other hand, cannot meet his needs in the long term because he does not express his emotions.
4-Irrelevant
This coping stance is one in which we are completely uninterested in everything. The person who adopts this stance does not react to the topic, talks about different topics, may interrupt during the conversation, appear not to be listening, or make strange jokes. Even if the person using this communication pattern is physically with you at that moment, it is as if he or she is not there emotionally. Neither your own needs, is neither aware of his feelings nor of the needs of others. He has broken off his connection with the environment and cut off his contact with himself and the world. While the person who adopts an irrelevant stance has fun by not taking responsibility, his needs may go unnoticed. He may not be able to establish long-term, deep, meaningful relationships and may feel lonely and worthless.
We can all go in and out of these four postures from time to time. We may be receptive in our relationship with one person and super logical in our relationship with another person. These postures are postures we have developed to cope with the tension that arises when our self-worth is shaken. Although it has some advantages, it harms our relationships in the long run and prevents us from finding functional solutions to our problems. Apart from these stances we use when we are defensive, there is another stance we call balanced stance. In a balanced stance, the person is in touch with himself, has high self-worth, is aware of both his own and others' needs, that is, he is in a state of balance. When in balance, the person is not on the defensive. He is full of life, lively, responsible, calm and affectionate. It is intertwined with life energy. This is the communication pattern that helps our relationships remain healthy. When we are aware of our own feelings, thoughts and expectations, when we are honest and open to both ourselves and our interlocutors, when we consider the needs of others and when we are compassionate, loving and understanding, we accept both our own value and that everyone is equally valuable. In this way, we can maintain a balanced stance by staying in touch with life energy.
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