Which of us gets married to be unhappy?
Is all this wedding fuss about emotional and financial investment, excitement, dreams, and an unhappy marriage?
What are the reasons that push married couples to deadlock?
In this article, I write about couples falling into deadlock. I included the driving reasons and solutions. Marriage is actually considered as the beginning of two different people to share a new period of life. Every change in a person's life causes stress, whether it is a change of job or a change of city; However, radical changes such as marriage have a different place. When two very different people start sharing the same house and the same life, it can cause a very important adaptation problem. Some couples who have adaptation problems can adapt over time. Our main subject is how couples who cannot adapt or whose harmony subsequently deteriorates fall into a marital impasse and how to overcome it.
Marriage impasse occurs seriously, but here some choose to divorce, some prefer to endure. Divorce is easy, but enduring it is difficult and exhausting. In my opinion, divorce and enduring are no different from each other, I recommend repairing.
Marriage is an emotional process. Logic is also needed, but when we look only at logic, it is not something that works very well in marriage. What do a woman and a man want from marriage?
Let's try to answer this question first. A woman wants to feel valued in the eyes of her husband, and when she does not feel valued, the marital impasse begins for the woman. The man, on the other hand, wants eroticism, order and to see his partner happy. When he cannot see these, the marriage impasse begins for the man. Of course, women want order and their partner's happiness, and men want to feel important to their partner, but the primary needs are the ones I mentioned above. A woman who does not feel that she is valuable in the eyes of her husband cannot reflect eroticism, cannot stay in order and constantly expresses her unhappiness. A man who cannot experience eroticism with his wife, who sees his wife's constant unhappiness and whose routine is disrupted, cannot make his wife feel that he values her, and a paradox begins.
This creates a giant pit of negativity that feeds on each other and gradually begins to pull the couple towards this sink. For this reason, a lot of Problems arise, couples struggle with problems arising or blaming each other. It is necessary to focus on the structure, not the problem.
We can talk about the existence of 3 basic elements in the family structure.
Conflict Resolution, Friendship and Shared Meaning
The problems experienced in these areas are structural problems and It brings with it a lot of problems. This may lead to the point of "NO COMMUNICATION" which is heard frequently. When it comes to family, it is not one person who breaks it or who needs to fix it, but both couples. Because at this point, both of them have direct or indirect contributions. Let's go step by step to solve structural problems.
Conflict Resolution: We will face thousands of problems throughout our lives, both individually and as a spouse, and we will be able to solve them instead of avoiding them. It will be more functional if we have a structure. The first factor in not being able to solve the problem is that your spouse does not understand you. If your spouse understood you, there would be no problem. You constantly tried to explain yourself to your spouse, maybe you shouted when he/she didn't understand, you applied different sanctions, and maybe you gave up hope of him/her understanding and stopped explaining. I totally agree with you, of course, with a small difference. Your spouse did not understand you and if he did, you would never have reached these points, but you are the one who does not understand as well as the one who is not understood. You didn't understand your spouse either. You didn't understand because you heard it, you didn't listen. Maybe you didn't make him feel that you were listening while he was talking, or you thought about the answers you would give him while he was talking, and you intervened thousands of times saying "it's not like that, you understand it as it suits you". Maybe you understood, but you couldn't make him realize that he understood, or you thought that if I understood, I would accept it, and you attacked him with your righteous sides, saying that every way is acceptable to win as if you were on a battlefield. Yes, because you were both right.
If we look at the other factors that cause not being able to solve the problem: Criticizing, being offended, insulting, defending, violence and trying to change your spouse. The more you use them, the deeper the marriage impasse will become. It is very important to stay calm when solving problems. Because "The War of Promise and Kestire" They said "this" and they were very right. When a person is angry, he cannot pay attention to what comes out of his mouth and can burn the other person and himself. There is no point in regretting something after saying it, the important thing is to keep it under control from the beginning. That's why it is necessary to always learn to calm down and calm down.
Another step in solving problems is knowing that you cannot always win. Finding a solution where both people can win in problem situations is difficult and may not always be possible. That's why sometimes one of the couples will make a sacrifice. There is no harm in doing so as long as it is not always done on the same side. People should also know themselves.
They should know the emotions that trap them and try to repair these vulnerabilities in order to avoid falling into the trap. Another step in problem solving is learning to work not only with what is visible but also with what lies beneath. Reflections of the problems may differ from the actual one. There may be thousands of reasons for a headache, instead of working with the headache, it will be more functional to find the situation that causes the headache and try to repair it.
Friendship: The one you love very much. Think of a friend of yours, you won't realize how time passes with him. You enjoy the time you are with him, you tease each other, you laugh together and sometimes you get angry together. Your spouse should be your close friend, and of course you should be your spouse's. The most important processes in marriage should be built on emotional bonds. If you are annoyed with someone, so to speak, you will be disturbed by all their behavior. Having a strong emotional bond between you and your spouse will give you strength in the problem-solving phase mentioned above.
How well do you know your spouse? How much do you know about his likes and dislikes? How well do you know your current problems? How well do you know his family? You can't love someone you don't know.
Do you love your spouse? Is love over in your relationship? Or actually what is love? What is it like to love? We cannot love anyone for no reason, we cannot actually love someone, they make us love themselves. (There is an exception here for a while regarding our children.) If you do not share with your spouse, If you cannot spare special time for him, if you are buried in your smartphones, if you do not have sex with him, it is not possible for the love factor to remain alive. When he has a problem, if he cannot see you behind him, if you are not his supporter, a problem arises here too. Because you support your close friend in solving his problems.
Sex is very effective in the marriage system. Couples who do not make love are two different people who have to share the same house and experience the same problems. Couples who make love are couples who are at the point of becoming us. But what is sex? When we think of sex, the only thing that comes to our mind is not sex alone. It is one of the stages of sex. Sex is everything that can be experienced with a special person. Saying nice things to her is also sex, walking hand in hand, hugging, kissing and lastly. Having lots of sex is one of the most important factors that keeps a marriage alive.
Shared Meaning: Couples may belong to different cultures. They may think differently, from political views to religious beliefs, ethnic origins, family structures, culinary culture, and child-raising thoughts. It must be difficult to find a partner who is the same as everything we are. Having similar perspectives can make the job easier, but in cases where there is not, it is necessary to find a common perspective and respect the other person. It is something that is easy to say, but requires serious efforts in practice. Marriage is such a thing, and if it is not repaired structurally, it does not matter who is right about the problems and it does not bring anything to the people. And marriage requires a serious investment. Whenever you give up on each other, whenever you stop trying, you will come to the same stage again. It's not like it used to be, that is, maintaining a marriage. Marriage used to be easier, once it started it would go away, but that's not the case anymore. The world has changed, you change too. The world will not keep up with you, you will keep up with the world. In this article, I touched upon seemingly minor problems and reasons. You may wonder how these small problems can destroy a marriage. I say that the atomic bomb is small, but its impact is huge.
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