In this article, I compile and share with you the relationship mistakes I frequently observe in my clients during couple therapy applications. If we list some of the behaviors and beliefs that challenge couple dynamics the most and sometimes cause relationships to end:
Covering up and ignoring the problems experienced in the relationship. Acting as if there is no problem.
Being defensive and using critical language.
Blaming your spouse.
Reading minds and not listening to your spouse.
“… He definitely thinks so.” Assuming that you know what's going on in your partner's mind.
Trying to change your spouse, not accepting him as he is.
Having unrealistic expectations from marriage.
“It will change after marriage, I will change it, we will never argue, we will always be very happy…” etc. being in thoughts.
Bringing up past problems over and over again.
Being closed to differences. Adopting an inflexible black and white structure.
Labeling your spouse and generalizing the events.
“ My spouse is a selfish, inconsiderate person ”, “ He always does this... ”
Long-lasting disagreements, putting too much distance between them.
Individuals should first realize their own behavior regarding mistakes made in relationships. Trying to change your partner in the relationship, looking at your own behavior rather than blaming, and asking "What is my contribution?, What can I do?" It would be much more functional to ask the question. Despair and constantly blaming your spouse for problems are among the biggest obstacles to change. When a person constantly sees the other person as guilty, it becomes difficult for him to realize his own behavior and he directs his expectations towards the other party. However, in order to solve mistakes made in relationships, it is necessary to change one's own behavior first. When a person identifies problems and takes responsibility for them, it becomes easier to accept them and they may be more motivated to take steps together. Both parties need to take steps for a solution and cooperate It is very important to have a relationship and it requires joint effort.
Mistakes made in a relationship include reading the other person's mind, assuming that you know what the other person is thinking, and it cuts off communication in the relationship. When a person reads minds, he does not need to ask what the other person is thinking. Misunderstandings increase and there is no need to communicate. When a party loses or is not understood while communicating, they become unhappy. An unhappy person brings an unhappy relationship. An unhappy relationship negatively affects both parties.
Labeling the other person in the relationship with negative adjectives can become the problem itself instead of solving the problems. Repeatedly expressing and labeling the negative aspects of your partner does not solve the problem. There will definitely be disagreements and arguments in the relationship, but the couple must find solutions by putting ways of reconciliation into action. Not every reconciliation means that the problem has been resolved. We should not confuse resolution with reconciliation. A healthy communication must be established to solve the problem.
There will definitely be individual differences between spouses. Finding common solutions and establishing healthy communication strengthens the couple's coping methods. What ends marriage and relationships is not individual differences, but failure to learn to live with differences. Individual differences enrich and develop us.
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