Even parents who have other things in common find it difficult to find common ground in their child care philosophies
. In fact, this is often an inevitable situation due to the different personality structures, different family
origins, and different upbringing styles of parents. How this situation will affect the child's development depends on how the differences are reflected
on the child. Differences can be transformed into a wealth that will contribute to the development of the child
or they can also appear as an important problem that negatively affects development.
In fact, every parent is human and in a changeable mood
Because they can be found, they can sometimes be inconsistent even within themselves. This inconsistency
may be related to the mental state of the parents, but it may also depend on the child's structure or the conditions in which the behavior
occurs. For example, an unhappy, distressed mother may not be able to tolerate her child's whining. While a noisy ball game may not be considered a problem in a suitable outdoor
venue, it will be unacceptable at home. It is unrealistic to expect
parents to be consistent both within themselves and with each other at all times and under all circumstances. This expectation causes anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in parents who cannot achieve this. The issue that needs to be consistent within the family is the way problems are handled
at home and the respectful attitude of individuals to each other.
Parents, showing love to the child, rules-limits and the way problems are handled
if they disagree on very basic elements of its development; If they discuss these
thoughts in front of the child and in a critical way; If they are relaxing or breaking each other's
rules, the child will not be able to learn what is right and what is wrong
. A child growing up in such an environment becomes a child who does not know the rules or who pushes the rules at every opportunity, who questions them, who does not take responsibility, who is pugnacious at home but insecure outside. The fact that mother and father are at different extremes may cause these attitudes of theirs to become even more evident. For example, in the presence of an overly tolerant and soft mother
the father can make the discipline gap more strict. While trying to close it down with rules, the mother may begin to become more flexible with the concern that the father's excessive
rules will harm the child.
In this case, the child adopts an attitude towards the mother that is strict, insistent, and goes against the rules. Although it seems to be more harmonious with the father, this is a harmony that can only be achieved
in the presence of the father. Even though the mother tries to enforce the rules with sentences such as "If you don't pick up your toys,
your father will get angry," this approach causes the child to question whether that rule
is really necessary and will not work in the long run. Relationships cause the child's unhappiness and insecurity. Another negative consequence that different attitudes may cause is that the child begins to use the conflicting behaviors of the parents.
It may become easier for the child to direct the parents due to these different attitudes.
Different views and attitudes do not harm the child. What can be done for:
First of all, for the child, how parents treat each other, how they get along with each other, and the love and respect they show towards each other are more important than what
is allowed and what is not allowed.
should not be forgotten. For example, if a mother who is against her child watching television
argues with her husband who allows it in front of the child, it will cause more harm than watching television. The mother or father
should stay silent for the moment and try to compromise on the issue later, rather than overreacting in front of the child for an attitude they do not approve of.
Parents should consider each other's ideas carefully and respectfully
If they can listen and agree with each other from time to time, this would be a very suitable example for the child
. The child also learns to listen to different opinions and discuss
appropriately.
How to behave in basic areas such as bedtime, nutrition, discipline
can be discussed and agreed upon in advance.
Security comes first. If parents
disagree on issues such as health, safety, nutrition, they can act in line with the recommendations of an expert, such as a pediatrician.
Problems Parents and child/children should cooperate in solving the problem. Children's one-on-one participation in the solutions will both improve their
problem-solving skills and prevent parents from being face to face.
Parents should not talk about each other in a negative, critical way.
In the eyes of this child, the parent's It damages the authority and causes the child to become more critical and negative towards people.
Issues that are very important for each parent can be determined and areas of responsibility can be shared.
Care should be taken not to give conflicting messages in front of the child.
If the mother does not find it appropriate to eat chocolate before the meal and does not allow it, the father's saying "nothing will happen, just this time
let's eat it" will result in the child disobeying all the rules or insisting
. It is also common for parents to break each other's rules when they are not together. For example, if the father makes sure that the child
sleeps in his own bed, but the mother sleeps with the child when the father is not at home
, the child receives the message that he/she should sleep alone only because the father
wants it that way. Parents should respect each other's rules even when they are not together.
As a result, different views and attitudes of parents are an inevitable situation that exists to a greater or lesser extent in almost every family. As long as parents do not turn these differences into a war of "I will do what I say", they can complement each other and live as a wealth that will contribute to the development of the child.
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