Parents have often felt that when faced with concrete problems that require specific solutions in their relationships with their children, trite advice such as "give the child more love" or "show more attention" is often inadequate.
Or similarly, they have witnessed many times that suggestions containing somewhat critical themes such as "listen to your child more", "communicate better" and which are imagined to produce magical results, do not work at all.
In addition, it has been shown in many studies in different languages, religions and countries that some attitude mistakes, which can be made unknowingly in the parent-child relationship, seriously damage this relationship, and they appear as facts accepted by professionals.
Every child is a parent. I think it is useful to underline some universal truths, accepting from the beginning that the relationship should be evaluated on its own merits.
1. REDUCING WARNINGS:
We may unknowingly warn our children unnecessarily about their negative behavior or the tasks they cannot complete during the day. When the child is warned about everything, whether important or unimportant, over time these warnings begin to go unheeded. Failure to comply with repeated warnings may cause the parent to become angry, lose patience, and ultimately lose control and apply severe verbal or physical punishment.
It should not be forgotten that; rules; When it is small in number, it is useful, otherwise it is often violated.
Especially meticulous and rule-governing parents ensure that their children are cleaner and more organized, exhibit more positive behavior, requests are fulfilled instantly and completely by their child, and the rules are set. They may give excessive warnings to ensure full compliance.
For example; We obey a few rules in traffic, such as stop at a red light, fasten your seat belt, obey the speed limit, but if there were dozens of them instead (don't cross red lanes, slow down whenever you see blue signs, etc.), do you think we would obey?
Solution: Instead of constantly warning negative behavior, An attempt should be made to explain why he/she should not do what he/she should do and what negative effects it might have on him/her if he/she does it.
2.AVOIDING CRITICISM
Criticism of negative behaviors by parents does not reduce the frequency of these behaviors, but also causes serious deterioration in the communication between parents and children.
Negative reactions to the behavior of the child, who needs to be approved, liked and appreciated by his parents, Faced with feedback, the child's self-confidence decreases, his self-worth decreases, and he develops a feeling of not being able to do the work properly, causing him to give up doing the tasks.
Solution: Instead of criticizing the negative behavior, explain why he should not do this behavior. An attempt should be made to explain what negative effects it might have on him if he does so. Think about the feelings of negativity, pessimism, incompetence, and worthlessness you feel when you are constantly criticized, and try not to force your child to deal with similar feelings. REDUCING ADVICE
Explaining how to behave correctly with long advice and advice countless times in order not to repeat a wrong behavior becomes boring and unlistenable for children over time, and it does not reduce children's negative behaviors, and as parents see that what they say is useless. becomes angry, and it is inevitable for the relationship between the child and the parent to deteriorate.
Solution:This tiring form of communication for parents should be abandoned, and what is wanted to be said should be expressed in the shortest and simplest way. Less talking, more touching, less grumbling, more support.
4. NOT GIVING SUDDEN ANGRY, HARD EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL REACTIONS TO MISBEHAVIOR
The fact that a behavior that should not be done is constantly repeated by your child should not be tried to be corrected by using violence or threatening sentences starting with "if you do it again".
No problem can be solved while angry. As can be seen, the words or physical interventions that come out of our mouth under the influence of anger may cause the child's self-esteem to decrease and negative behavior to begin to be observed more intensely over time.
Children who are exposed to physical violence may have disagreements with their friends at school and with their siblings at home. When they fall down, they may start using violence as a way of solving problems.
Our harsh emotional reactions when they share a mistake with you may cause them to be less sharing in adolescence, tend to hide their mistakes more, and start telling lies when they are stuck. .
Therefore; While this type of punishment may terminate negative behavior by FEARING it for the moment, it does not prevent the negative behavior from recurring in the long term, and causes the child's self-esteem to decrease, aggressive behavior to increase, and the parent-child relationship to deteriorate day by day.
Solution: Regardless of the reason, it is necessary to stay away from physical punishment and threats. You should not try to communicate with the child when he is angry, you should give yourself the opportunity until he calms down. The need for psychiatric help of parents who have problems with anger management must be evaluated.
COMPARISON
SHAMING (THESE ARE OTHER ATTITUDES THAT WE NEED TO GIVE UP.)
DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED
IN COMMUNICATION WITH OUR CHILD BEHAVIOR TYPES AND PRECAUTIONS THAT WE SHOULD PRIORITY ASAP Expressing satisfaction when the desired behavior is shown instead of criticizing it results in children giving up negative behaviors over time in order to hear and feel this satisfaction. Therefore, it is necessary to emphasize more on what the child can do, rather than what he cannot do, and to express satisfaction immediately after the positive behavior.
Instead of warning when he does not play properly or scatters toys, we should express our satisfaction when he plays quietly with his toys in a regular sharing way. Like doing it more often. Snow Instead of being harsh when he doesn't share something with his sibling, expressing satisfaction when he cooperates with his sibling on any issue.
If you say he doesn't have any positive behavior; You can start by asking him to do something that he can easily do, and then praise and appreciate him. Another important point is that as long as the positive behavior continues, the parent must repeat positive feedback, indicating that he or she is aware of it.
Solution: You should prepare environments where he can show the correct behavior. When he shows the right behavior, you should notice this and express your satisfaction (praise, well done, hug, point, play games) without fear of being spoiled.
2. SPECIAL TIME APPLICATION
The primary condition for correcting negative behaviors and ensuring compliance with the rules is healthy parent-child communication. The method aims to regulate the relationship between parent and child and ensure rapprochement, which is a prerequisite for the correction of negative behaviors.
The child realizes that his parents can show interest in the things he likes. The feeling of being loved and cared for even if I have bad behavior leads to an increase in the child's self-esteem.
Features of the activity;
1. 3-4 days a week, 20-30 minutes with the father, one-on-one ( (sibling will not be included) game/activity time should be created. The game to be played or the activity to be done should be chosen by the child.
2. The purpose of the activity is not to teach the game played or to gain a skill, but to show interest in an activity that the child enjoys. Therefore, the father should avoid setting rules, giving orders, or criticizing, and the initiative should be left to the child.
A time should be chosen when the third parent feels comfortable and stress-free. The parent should not be dealing with anything else at that time, he should be able to show his interest.
4. The child's negative behavior should be ignored as much as possible during the game. If the behavior continues, the activity can be terminated by stating the reason.
5. The time of the activity should be determined in advance and at the same hours as possible.
If we are neglecting the child in the hustle and bustle of daily life without realizing it, this will make us aware of the situation. 20 minutes a day for children Parents who cannot spare time for family time should consider the issue of neglect more seriously.
PROVIDING A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT AT THE 3RD HOME
Children They are very good observers. They are aware of many things that we think they do not listen to. Arguments involving verbal and physical violence between parents cause the child to question his or her safety even in the family environment where the child should feel most peaceful. Trying not to reflect the unrest as much as possible is one of the most important precautions to be taken.
Instead of seeing their own burnout as the cause, such as "I'm too busy with my work, I'm taking care of my little brother, I can't keep up with the housework, that's not my only job";
- Able to show interest, affection and interest in his/her child, able to spare special time for this,
- Emotionally accessible,
- Instead of giving harsh emotional reactions to mistakes or overwhelming the child with long advice, most of the time The presence of parents who are patient enough to be a listener: It is undoubtedly the most important factor that will ensure a much healthier adolescence.
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