Despite the fact that psychoanalysts and psychotherapists devote much of their professional energy to evaluating the erotic lives of their analysands and patients and analyzing their premarital/extramarital relationships, this phenomenon has received little attention in the psychoanalysis literature. It is obvious that speculative articles published in the media, far from developing insight in the reader, further provoke prejudice. In one way or another, we are all either exposed to, witness to, or aware of extramarital (cheating) affairs. Although the phenomenon of cheating arouses curiosity in all of us, we have difficulty understanding it and often judge those who attempt it. As a psychoanalyst, I believe that judging ourselves and others only puts pressure on us and does not actually lead to changing behavior.
The 2000s witnessed significant changes in traditional marriages and premarital sexual experiences. Premarital cohabitation and sexual relationships have now become accepted in society. My twenty-year background in England and my clinical experiences there, combined with my psychoanalysis practice in Turkey for the last four years, gave me the opportunity to compare the two countries. "Swinging" or "switching" and "group sex" are used in my couples in Turkey, although not as much as in England. It's a phenomenon I've come across now. In the couples who come to my psychotherapy center for psychoanalytic couple therapy, the premarital and extramarital sexual relationships they experience, on the one hand, strengthen their mental health by increasing their self-confidence and in some cases ensure sexual maturation, on the other hand, they also cause insecurity, feeling worthless and I see it negatively affecting their marriage by creating feelings such as betrayal.
Since the early 1900s, psychoanalysis has argued that human behavior can only be fully understood and evaluated through a comprehensive psychological analysis. In the analysis, the analysand's personal history, structural components of his personality, unconscious dynamics, human relationships, fantasies and other complex aspects of his psyche are examined. Without taking into account the meaning of their behavior can only be speculated. My clinical experience has also shown me that extramarital relationships can be considered neither "morbid," "neurotic," or "hostile," nor "healthy" and "adaptive." Cheating has different unconscious meanings in every relationship. In analysis, we look at the unconscious meaning of a behavior without deciding whether it is right or wrong, that is, without making a judgment.
Some problems of today's couples: Social Media and the Internet
As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, I see that most of the couples (married or not) who come to my clinic for couple therapy are 'cheating'. Most of these deceptions occur with people who meet through social media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter. These people may be old school friends or colleagues, or they may be newly acquainted. I think this is why it has become difficult to remain faithful in today's marriages. It has become very easy to find new relationships and new excitement through social media and the Internet. Today's married couples are exposed to many social media channels that stimulate their narcissism, ego (grandiosity), and erotic hunger. In addition, with the increasing formations on social media of 'open marriages' and other exciting alternative sexual experiences such as 'swinging' and 'switching', it has become easier to experience similar relationships and such relationships have become widespread.
Considering the excitement, narcissistic pleasure and need for admiration experienced in a forbidden relationship outside of marriage, as opposed to the judgment of the parties, the sense of delayed gratification and the tedious daily routines of marriage, it should not surprise us that this is more attractive for many people. Forbidden relationship is aimed at satisfying the feeling of libidinal (sexual energy) pleasure, but this cannot happen without creating an unconscious conflict in the person. On the one hand, our ego that 'judges' us, and on the other hand, our unconscious motivation - that is, of which we are not aware - creates conflict in consciousness. This manifests itself as guilt and a desire to forgive oneself. Many couples who seek therapy The main motivation for this is the feeling of guilt and the desire to make the other party forgive oneself. Most of the time, the cheating party feels responsible for the traumatic experience he created in his partner, and his expectation from the therapist is to help repair this damage.
Here I would like to talk about some of the major themes that emerge in analytic couples therapy regarding infidelity and related unconscious sources of conflict. Although the unconscious reasons for each relationship are different and specific to each person, I think the most frequently recurring relationship dynamics regarding cheating in the clinic are the following. These can help us understand many cases of infidelity.
Incest taboo
One of the problems experienced in some marriages is the omnipotent mother or mother. In the search for a father, one comes face to face with the incest taboo. In cases where the spouse psychologically assumes the role of parent and replaces the person who spiritually nourishes, comforts, understands and loves the other party, the spouse can easily be substituted as a mother or father unconsciously. As such, sexuality in their marriage may be experienced as incestuous, that is, 'forbidden'. In such a situation, desiring one's partner sexually creates unrest at the conscious level, and the person feels this as sexual reluctance towards his partner. Instead, he may turn to meeting his sexual needs in extramarital relationships.
Fight with the judging ego (superego)
>A person who has a conflicting and oppressive relationship with his parents in connection with the incest taboo keeps this conflict alive and fights against the pressure in his relationship with his spouse, who has taken on the parental role in his marriage. Many people bring into their marital relationships 'psychological attachment' problems from their childhood, especially problems in bonding with parents. Just as they experience with their parents, they try to please their spouses to get the reward of love and attention they need. However, when they think that they are not getting the reward they deserve, or when they feel dependent, small and powerless, in need of their love, they may retaliate against their mother or father figure, like an adolescent who feels that their autonomy is being interfered with. Is this Deletion occurs when the unconscious conflict against the mother or father figure takes action by cheating on the spouse. In order to get rid of the feeling of guilt they feel for their rebellious behavior, such patients unknowingly (unconsciously) catch their spouse's crimes and make them punish themselves.
Symbiotic unit (two halves of an apple)
It is quite common in marriages in Turkey. In a 'symbiotic' relationship, spouses who feel like two halves of an apple are emotionally 'dependent' on each other. They do everything together, their self-image and identity are very fragile; Since they cannot separate emotionally, they begin to dominate and control each other. Conflict begins because they constantly seek attention and affirmation from each other. These people, who develop sensitivity to criticism and indifference, begin to feel that they are constantly humiliated and insulted in their marital relationships. One way to get rid of the symbiotic bond and feel independent is to have an extramarital affair. But they still cannot get rid of the state of being 'dependent' on the main partner, and like rebellious teenagers, they confess their crimes and wait for forgiveness from their mother/wife.
Spiritual or Sexual Bisexuality >
Although we all have characteristics of both genders, actively or passively, in some of us this conflict is more severe and can manifest itself in 'extra-marital' relationships in marriage. A person experiencing bisexual conflict often needs two partners; For example, he may feel more masculine in one and more feminine in the other, or he may take a more dominant role in one and a more passive role in the other.
To finish...
To briefly summarize, those who experience their spouse as an "incestuous person" or a "punishing superego" figure; People who experience "bisexual conflict" or try to break the "symbiotic bond" externalize these unconscious conflicts by having an extramarital affair. Although this article is about couples who come to psychoanalytic treatment, I hope that some of the relationships mentioned Their dynamics have generally been able to give an idea in understanding extramarital relationships.
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