Who is Hande Nacar, let's get to know you a little?
Hello, I was born in Adana. I graduated from Yeditepe University, Department of Psychology. I am one of those who could not get used to Istanbul and returned to my hometown. After completing Family Marriage Therapy, Cognitive Therapy and Analytical Therapy Trainings, I have been working as a Couple Therapist and an individual therapist with adults.
I have been working with Dr. I work as a psychologist at Obengül Ejder Private Family Counseling Center and help my clients. One day a week, I work at a Private Medical Center in Adana. I am also the Vice President of the Çukurova Branch of the Sexual Health Institute Association (CİSED).
How do you define the new generation marriages?
We are the ones who like change so much in every respect, People who look for a newer model of every technological item are quite strict about marriage. I don't think there is anyone who hasn't heard those words about old loves. But I am one of those who believe that marriage should change shape and be renewed. The concept that men bring money to the house and women take care of the children is no longer valid. We can say that in the new generation of marriages, men have realized that they cannot be husbands or fathers by providing for the household. Of course, the success of women in business life is also obvious. The system is changing.
So where do the problems arise? When partners begin to forget that they are spouses and equals, when they do not allow their individual living spaces and begin to intervene in each other's lives too much, or when one of the couples expects a spouse like their parents, new generation marriages cannot comply with this order. When people try to adapt the marriage they have learned to the present day, the balance is disrupted.
Why are second marriages called "second spring" and sometimes the same mistakes are not made in second marriages as in the first. Is what is called constant with experience?
I think so. ☺ The child goes to kindergarten before starting primary school. The aim is for the child to get used to school life and the new order. But when it comes to marriage, there is no preparation phase. There is no comfort in the parents' home, there is a lot of responsibility... Sleeping in the same bed is not as easy as it sounds, it requires effort. You need to invest in the relationship at all times. Whether you've been married for forty years, you've stopped putting effort into your relationship. moment, the relationship turns upside down. But until you understand this, it will be too late. Respect is going, love is going. Is it the second one? Now the couples have learned their lesson. This time, efforts are being made not to exhaust respect and love. Who wants to make the same mistake twice, break up a second time, be alone? As the effort increases, love and affection also increase.
Is there a potential in every marriage for "the woman to be a mother to her husband and the husband to be a father to his wife"? If so, how should this be overcome?
Actually, this is a cycle. The woman tries to be a mother to her husband, but the husband turns his wife into his mother. These feed each other. For example, the sentence "You cook like my mother" is a compliment. Without realizing it, the woman turns into her mother-in-law, hoping to please her husband. The same goes for men, of course. He begins to restrict himself like a father, instead determining what he will wear, where he will go, and what time he will arrive. However, since he got married, he is an ADULT! Not the child... At first, this seems nice to the couple. This situation, which is pleasant at first, slowly but powerfully kills passion and lust. Because where there is compassion, there is no lust, where there is lust, there is no compassion. When couples get married, they get married because they are looking for a partner who will share every aspect of life and experience sexuality to the fullest, they do not get married to find parents.
If one of the couples insists on finding a partner, If a woman finds herself wanting to be a mother to her husband or a father to her wife, or if both of them have this attitude, they should not forget that the problem lies in their own core, that they are trying to experience a feeling in their marriage that they cannot experience with their mother or father, or that they cannot break away from. The most effective way to overcome this is to get consultancy from an expert on the subject. Unfortunately, by the time they apply to us, they have reached the divorce stage and their relationship has been severely damaged. Then it becomes more difficult to get them back together, I advise them to come before their problems get worse.
Some marriages experience family problems. Should someone be held responsible for this or should they be told "there is nothing to do" and learn to live that way?
There is always something to do. I think it is wrong to look for the person responsible. Both parties are responsible. You can be a couple, just ask yourself You hope. When we forget this and look for someone responsible, or when we bury the events under the ground and think that they will disappear, we prepare the end of the relationship ourselves.
Coming to your question, your family is now your spouse and children. When spouses who cannot adapt to this, who are still trying to be their mother's son and their father's daughter, forget to show interest in each other and still invest in their parents, their marriage begins to fail. Your mother, my mother fights begin, and although the problem grows and the peace is lost, they cannot draw boundaries against their parents, because there are more and more adults today who think they are grown up but like to remain the little children of their families. I think it is not difficult to understand the reason for this; today, families do not allow their children to grow up, they constantly serve them, do not give them responsibilities from a young age, and behave in ways that will make them get used to the easy way that will allow them to get what they want immediately.
Is there a secret to a happy relationship?
BALANCE. Not too much, not too little, always balance. When they start to spend time and invest in their work, their families, their environment, their hobbies, and themselves, without living their lives intertwined, they achieve spiritual balance like the four legs of the table. I have never seen a couple who listen to each other, understand each other, trust each other, do not criticize each other, spend time alone and enjoy it, and also spare time for themselves individually, be unhappy.
Human beings always want more, a bigger house, a newer house. Model car, more money, more grades, a higher level career... There is no end to this, everything in life is better, more beautiful, bigger and more expensive. While chasing after more, they lose the value of what they have, whereas HAPPINESS IS HIDDEN IN WHAT WE HAVE..
When does mutual understanding begin in relationships? And when does mutual understanding end?
Mutual understanding begins with the first conversation. In fact, couples look for what they need in the other person. Sometimes they get caught up in the magic of love and fail to see the truth.
If the couple respects each other's boundaries, accepts each other as they are, and does not try to make them like themselves, mutual understanding grows stronger.
Only the ending is a little different. For years it has been said that the person who loves becomes jealous, and we thought he loved those who were jealous, but the issue here is a bit similar. First, couples interfere with each other's boundaries, and the more they enter each other's lives, the greater the relationship they think they have. Whoever can easily enter the other person's boundaries, the less respect he feels for him. He begins to see many rights in himself. After losing respect, he/she begins to see his/her partner's right to speak as his/her own. He chooses his friends on her behalf, chooses what to wear, chooses what to eat... Over time, he forgets her identity, forgets to understand her, forgets to listen. Then, conflicts of ideas, attacks on each other's lives and separation begin.
How does the woman evaluate the relationship/marriage? How does a man evaluate it?
You know the title of a book, "Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus", I like this analogy very much. Estrogen determines the anatomical and spiritual structure of women, and Testosterone determines that of men, and of course, such two different hormones create two different people. When familial and environmental factors are added, this difference becomes increasingly deep.
Of course, we are equal in legal rights and freedoms regarding human rights, but if we accept our needs as the same, we will make a mistake. Men and women's perspectives on relationships and marriage, their needs, and their roles in marriage are different. Their expectations from marriage are naturally different. While marriage is a feeling of security for women, it means making life easier for men. While women are looking for romance, men are looking for passion.
To what extent do marriages reach with children?
Child is one of the most valuable tests a couple faces. The period when the order of marriage changes and the focus of attention in the house shifts to a single direction is the period when couples need to be the most patient. Every person has a different child that they want to leave a mark on the world. This is also the case in marriages. If they complete this exam successfully, they learn that father and mother have to walk the same path even if they disagree from time to time. This process, in which couples must always approach the child with the same views and be compatible, also strengthens the bond between couples. child's birth Although it is more difficult to achieve this parallelism in the first years of life, harmony increases over time. Children bring the couple closer spiritually.
However, if marital relations are bad, or if one of the couples has a personality disorder or a problem such as alcohol or substance addiction, the solution should not be sought in having children...
Finally, what do you want to add?
Marriage is not a destination or a destination. Couples who say they got married anyway and give up most of the things they did before marriage are couples doomed to break up. They say you can grow old on one pillow, but there are dozens of couples who share the same bed but are separated at heart. You should not forget that a relationship requires constant effort. Marriage is a long road. If you think every day that your spouse is not the man/woman you married, you should know that he will never be that man/woman again. Time passes, everything changes. Your partner is changing too. Make an effort to love him again every day, and give him a new reason every day to love you again.
Read: 0
